


Spotless Mind

by RoseHarker9



Category: SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Falling In Love, Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:14:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 63,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseHarker9/pseuds/RoseHarker9
Summary: Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.And surely Lucas didn't know what he was going to get at that party his friends dragged him to. And neither does a boy who is traveling in train from the opposite direction but in the same direction."Lucas couldn’t help but look around, not to girls, obviously.Lately, his eyes wandered on boys without him noticing, it was like an instinct. His previous attempts with boys scared him more than attract him. Too blatant, too explicit: he had the need to take things slow. He wanted to fall in love, to feel his guts turning upside down and his cheeks flush, even though he knew that it was a ridiculous thought. No one would have wanted something like that from him.None of the boys at the party was lighting that particular spark in him, no one awakened nothing in him that was barely meaningful until he clearly felt something twitch and twirl in his stomach.The music seemed to stop just for him.Dark hair, sharp face, tall and lean."
Relationships: Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden
Comments: 29
Kudos: 167





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first work in English, which is not my first language, so forgive any eventual mistakes. This fic is mainly based on canon events, with other details created or modified by me.  
> I've already written all the chapters and I will post them every Friday.  
> I hope you'll like it.

_But what if I never ask you your name?_   
_What if I never ask you your name?_   
_What if I never ask you your name?_   
_Would I be this way?_

Spotless Mind - ISLANDS

Lucas closed his eyes, laying his head against the cold window of the train, yawning without worrying about putting a hand over his open mouth, letting the movement cuddling him while his friend’s voices were getting just a background. He just wanted to sleep at that moment, all he desired was a warm bed to curl in and sleep for ten hours.  
It was always like this, lately: sometimes he would give anything just to go out and do something, and then when he was outside, he would give anything just to be in his own room, hidden from everybody.  
He checked his phone, for the thirtieth time in five minutes, uncomfortable with the lack of notifications, he had left his mother alone at home, a thing that wouldn’t concern any other teenagers, but that concerned him.  
What if she did something stupid? What if she sold all his belonging to the church like she wanted to do the month before?  
He found that just in time to not lose all his clothes and the furniture.  
If something had already happened he would have known, someone would have told him, maybe a neighbor, or even the police, or his mother herself.  
Calling her could have made him feel better, relieved even, but he knew that his friends wouldn’t understand that, they would laugh at him and his need to call his mother and, honestly, how could he blame them? They had normal mothers, boring, controlling and pedantic mothers who worried about their sons, not the opposite.  
It has become pretty normal, for him, to think he was the parent and she the daughter: she kept him awake all night playing the guitar, which she has never properly studied. And he knew he couldn’t do anything to stop her, it would have just worsened the situation.  
So he just pressed his pillow on his ear, learning to sleep even with the loudest sounds, having been struggling with sleep for all his life, actually.  
 _If I disappear, would she notice it?_  
He really needed those hours of sleep but he accepted anyway to go to some party in Rotterdam with Kes and Jayden, so he guessed he had to pretend he was having fun, with very poor results.  
“you okay, mate?” Kes asked, smiling at him, leaning a hand over him to mess his curly hair.  
Lucas took off his headphones “mmh?”  
Kes smiled again “I said, you okay mate?”  
“Yeah, of course” he replied with a scowl “why?”  
“you seemed strange”  
“I’m just tired” he used the default answer for when someone was asking him if someone was going wrong, which wasn’t so far from reality, in that case.  
“well” Jayden chimed in “you better rest now that you have the chance because tonight we’re gonna make you pick up the hottest girls in town”  
Lucas scoffed, with a finger over his mouth “you can’t pick up girls for yourselves, what make you think you’re gonna find a girl for me?”  
“man...” Jayden said with a hand on his own heart.  
“Luc is pretty good at getting girls for himself…” Kes admitted, patting him on his back and caressing him with circular movements that made Lucas’ blood burn.  
He swallowed, holding the breath to hide the discomfort of Kes’ hand over him. He knew that that was unfair, the feelings he felt when his friend looked at him, smiled at him, even mocked at him, but it wasn’t like he could push them back.  
It was wrong, all wrong, what he felt; love shouldn’t make you feel like that, guilty, ashamed.  
But who was he to know anything about love? For what he knew, love couldn’t even exist and be just a stupid cliche brought forth by Hollywood.  
They laughed and dropped the topic girls, but Lucas knew that sooner or later they would reprise that, and honestly, he was finishing the excuses. Even for himself.  
He was… he was... a coward, a fucking coward.  
He has tried a few times to say it out loud, just to himself, in the mirror, staring into his own blue eyes, but the words couldn’t come out of his mouth.  
And he hated himself, he hated himself because he just wanted to be normal for one fucking time. As being the one with the crazy mother wasn’t enough, he also had to like…  
He bit the intern of his cheek: he spent entire nights staring at pictures of girls, beautiful, hot girls, he couldn’t deny it, but they didn’t move anything in him, though he became very good at pretending he did. Sometimes he was so good that he was almost convincing himself, thinking that maybe he had found the right girl but as soon as things with girls get more steamy, all he could feel was just… nothing.  
Sometimes he wanted to be like his friends, thirsty and desperate for girls who would have never reciprocated them.  
Girls were an important part of his best friends’ lives, they talked about girls almost every day, girls in school, in the street, on Instagram. And he didn’t like either one of them.  
Sometimes he asked himself if his friends would like him anyway if… if he simply stopped pretending.

Jens was looking absentmindedly at the landscape that was quickly running outside the window, while the train kept going. His head was heavily resting on his hand, the fingertips playing with his dry lips.  
He had his hoodie over his head, he shifted it a little bit, enough to glance at his friends, sitting in the train wagon with him: Moyo was playing with his phone, with his headphones on and a concentrated look. Noor was reading with his headphones on, too, keeping the time with his index against the covers of the book, Zoe was probably sleeping, her head on Noor’s shoulder; she was probably gonna get bored by the party, but she was joining every event they proposed, lately, even video games night, or simply get high and drunk at the skate park. He has never told her that, but he gets her, he understood what she was feeling, he had already been there: doing anything, even things he didn’t like or didn’t care about, just whatever that could keep his mind busy. Maybe he wasn’t even been there, he was still there, still trying to desperately get someone out of his head.  
When he and Jana decided to remain friends, he thought that that could be a good idea and he was a totally incompetent idiot for thinking something like that. In which universe having a close friendship with your ex-girlfriend could be a good idea?  
Not in his, apparently.  
At least it was something, though, not having Jana in his life at all could have been even worse: she was funny and smart and keen and he preferred stabbing his own heart like that instead of losing her. In an ideal universe, they should have been friends without other shits interfering. But theirs wasn’t an ideal universe so he had to suffer in silence hoping that one day it could have simply passed.  
He gave a look to his best friend: Robbe was sitting right next to him, sharing headphones with Sander, who was mocking him for his absolute ignorance in rock music.  
The party was Sander’s idea, he heard about it at the Academy and he dragged everybody. Robbe had the face of someone who just wanted to spend time alone with his boyfriend, but he probably understood that Sander was only trying to be accepted in the crew, even though everybody already liked him.  
“Moyo why didn’t you bring the sleeping bag?” Noor asked him.  
“I’m not planning to sleep tonight” he replied to all of them, winking.  
They all rolled their eyes, laughing. Noor covered her face with her hand, slowly shaking her head with the look of someone who has regretted making the question.  
The party was in an abandoned house that once belonged to a billionaire, they all brought their sleeping bags to sleep wherever they could, even though they knew they wouldn’t have slept at all.  
“you’re gonna freeze alone” Jens warned him, mocking him.  
“no-no, bro” Moyo corrected him “we...” and he pointed at himself, Jens, Noor and Zoe “are gonna bring high the Belgian flag, tonight”  
“how patriotic from you,” Zoe said, with her head still leaned over Noor’s shoulder, looking like someone who should have slept five hours more that morning.  
“come on!” he whined “The Netherlands need to know our power, and only the four of us can demonstrate that!” he finished, pointing at Robbe and Sander hugged to each other, laughing.  
A loud kiss noise reached Jens’ ear, and he tried to concentrate on the landscape again: he was happy for his friend, really, really happy, but seeing him so happy, so in love, reminded him when he was the one in love, he was the one in a relationship, and he missed that so much. Be happy, satisfied, in love, having someone to talk to at night, when he couldn’t sleep, someone to tell about his day, his life, the movies he saw, the music he has been listening to, he missed all of this, but when he missed the most being in a relationship, all he had to do was thinking about the troubles, the fights, the lies, and suddenly he didn’t miss all of that anymore.

When Kes told them the house was big, Lucas didn’t imagine it would have been that big.  
It was like the Disney fucking castle. Just without fireworks.  
Lucas was admiring the building with his hand on the string of the backpack, while his eyes wandered around, turning around himself.  
The house was so bright that it could have been seen from the Moon, probably, while a muffled sound was coming from the inside.  
“How did you get us here?” he asked Kes.  
Kes wasn’t looking at the building, as Lucas was, distracted by groups of girls refilling their cups of beer “a guy I know, knows a guy who is the brother of the guy that fixed the electric implant” he explained, distracted, without even watching him.  
“Six degrades of separation at their finest...” he sharply replied.  
And even though Lucas hated that, he felt his stomach twitch in rage, seeing him looking at those girls like that.  
He had no right to do that, he had no right to get mad for something like that and maybe it was coming the time he had to make a choice he has postponed for enough time: he had to get over his feelings for his best friend, or he had to push him away once for all.

The inside was impossible to see, too many people, too many bodies dancing close to each other, and the ambient was pretty dark, except for a red light that was enough for Kes and Jayden to search for girls to pick up.  
“what about that?” Jayden said, pointing at a girl who was dancing with their friends, a lovely blonde with a white shirt and long hair that covered his back and arrived at the edge of her skinny jeans.  
“naaa, too thin” Kes replied shaking his head.  
Lucas couldn’t help but look around, not to girls, obviously.  
Lately, his eyes wandered on boys without him noticing, it was like an instinct. His previous attempts with boys scared him more than attract him. Too blatant, too explicit: he had the need to take things slow. He wanted to fall in love, to feel his guts turning upside down and his cheeks flush, even though he knew that it was a ridiculous thought. No one would have wanted something like that from him.  
None of the boys at the party was lighting that particular spark in him, no one awakened nothing in him that was barely meaningful until he clearly felt something twitch and twirl in his stomach.  
The music seemed to stop just for him.  
Dark hair, sharp face, tall and lean.  
It has nothing special, but Lucas couldn’t take his eyes off of him, like they were glued to that tall figure, to his hands hardly gripping a glass of something that seemed beer.  
He was talking to a cute girl with black short hair and a fringe, Lucas noticed with bother.  
But then, sooner than he could expect, the boy’s eyes flew on him, big, dark and deep. They were looking to each other and Lucas surprised himself for not looking away, he kept his eyes into his, the most intimate thing he did with a boy.  
The boy gave him a nod with a smile and he was about to reply when he suddenly felt an arm surrounding his shoulder and he stiffened.  
“come on” Kes whispered in his ear, putting a hand over his shoulder and one on his chest “you have plenty of choices”  
“what?” Lucas asked, frowning and coming back to earth.  
“choose a girl and we will help you” Kes was screaming over the loud music of the party.  
“I don’t think so” he replied laughing and shaking his head.  
“at least tell us what you like...” Jayden screamed, coming closer “boobs? Butt?”  
Lucas distractedly looked at the boy of before, he wasn’t looking at him anymore, too busy talking with the girl in front of him, the one with the fringe. His girlfriend?  
He heard a loud laugh in his ear.  
“oooh oooh,” Kes laughed patting his chest and shaking him playfully “you like alternative girls… you could have told us before!”  
Lucas turned his head towards him, panicking, eyes wide open in terror.  
“What? No! I was just...” he tried to mutterer, but all he could make was a squeaking sound too weak for his friends to hear.  
 _...Looking at her hot boyfriend?_  
“go talk to her” Kes suggested gesturing at her with his head, an amused smile on his face.  
“no” he firmly denied.  
“come on!” Jayden insisted “what are you afraid of?”  
“How can a girl refuse these eyes?” Kes encouraged him, taking him by his chin. Lucas shoved off his arm with his hand like it was a mosquito.  
“we’ll help you...” Jay assured him.  
Before he could even reply, they were walking towards the girl and his friend, that kept talking, cheerfully smiling, unaware of anything.  
Lucas tried to stop them, but the crowd prevented him to and when he reached them, they were already talking with the two of them.  
“...a friend that wants to meet you. He is hot but very, very shy and we promised ourselves that we won’t rest in peace until he finds a girl, so...” Jayden was explaining to her when Lucas finally reached them.  
The girl was looking at them with a confused smile, while the boy was frowning, eyes flying from Kes to the girl, and vice versa.  
“...oh, here he is...” Kes said, surrounding again his arm against Lucas that quickly took it off.  
“don’t listen to them, they are idiots,” he said to the girl, that now was laughing, Lucas didn’t even have the courage to look at her friend.  
“don’t worry,” she said shaking her head.  
“I’m really, really sorry” he added.  
“it’s nothing…” she said with a sweet smile.  
All he could think, though, was the boy behind him. How was he reacting? What was he thinking?  
Lucas took his friends by their shirts and brought them away from the most awkward situation of his life.  
“Are you crazy or what?” his voice was more severe than how he wanted, he knew he was acting like a father, not like a teenager. He should have been happy that his friends wanted him to find a girl. They were normal, he didn’t.  
“We were trying to help...” Jayden said shrugging, the innocent attitude of a child caught next to a painted wall with colors in his hands.  
“How?” Lucas asked, his eye flying on both of them “Humiliating me in front of...”  
He closed his eyes, breathing in and out as he taught to his mother.  
They couldn’t know, they were trying to help.  
“Listen, guys, I kinda appreciate the effort, but I don’t need it. When I’ll need a hand in...things like that, I will come to you”  
They both nodded, like scolded children.  
He sighed “now excuse me but I think I need fresh air”  
He gave them his back, going outside, leaving the loud noises and the lights behind him, with his friends and the boy who was probably making fun of him with his girlfriend at that moment.

He said that he needed fresh air just to make space between him and his friend but he quickly felt better when he took a few steps outside, breathing the cold air of the night.  
The cold was almost pleasing, after hours in the heat of the hall, and the silence helped his heart slowing his crazy race.  
He lighted a cigarette, resting his head against the cold wall, closing his eyes while the smoke came out of his mouth.  
Maybe Jayden and Kes have done him a favor, without even knowing: they spared him the doubt. Going or not going? Stay in his own comfort bubble or risk and talk to the hot guy? Well, since his best friends almost tried to pick up his probable girlfriend, the decision was already made.  
Who was he kidding, though, he would have never gone talk to that guy. He would have thought about him for the rest of the evening and goodbye.  
“fuck” he whispered to himself while breathing out the smoke again.  
“got a light?” he heard, with his eyes closed. He opened them just to see in front of him a well-known figure. Lucas immediately stood up, swallowing.  
For a moment he thought he had imagined him, there, right in front of him, his tall figure covering the light behind him, giving him a mysterious air.  
“oh,” he said, flustered, squeaking again like an idiot “hi… I… Listen I’m sorry for before, if my friend bothered your girlfriend, they are assholes, believe me, I know them very well, and I swear I haven’t said anything about her...”  
“Hey, hey, hey” the boy stopped him, smiling. His lips were big and well designed “calm down… I’m here for a lighter, not to beat anyone...”  
“Oh… o-okay...” Lucas said, nodding.  
“so… got a light?” the boy asked again.  
Lucas closed his eyes and quickly shook his head, as he is trying to wake up.  
“yes, yes I have one,” he told him, giving him his lighter.  
Lucas lighted the lighter and the boy came closer, his cigarette between his lips, a bit of burning ash fell on Lucas's hand, who withdrew it quickly, hissing.  
“you okay?” the boy asked glancing at his hand. Lucas hid it behind his back, God only knows why.  
“yeah, yeah, it… it was nothing”  
“okay” the boy shrugged, casually “thank you” he added without moving from where he was.  
“your welcome” Lucas muttered “it’s the least, for having bothered your girlfriend”  
He laughed, a melodious, brief laugh and shook his head “she is not my girlfriend”  
“no?” he was pretty badly trying to not seem too invested in the topic, even though his senses were well aware.  
The other shook his head again, giving a drag of his cigarette “best friend’s ex”  
Lucas blinked and widened his eyes, giggling “what?”  
“yeah” he nodded, comprehensive “I’m Jens, by the way”  
“Lucas”


	2. 2 Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas laughed, biting the inside of his cheeks, a habit he has had since he was a child “you’re not from here, right?”
> 
> It wasn’t properly a question, more like a statement.
> 
> “from Rotterdam?” Jens asked, breathing out the smoke.
> 
> “The Netherlands” Lucas specified “your accent is...strange”
> 
> Jens slowly shook his head, smiling.
> 
> “where are you from?” Lucas asked.
> 
> “let’s see if you guess it”
> 
> The Dutch boy smiled, lifting the left corner of his lips “what do I win if I guess it?”

_What a strange being you are, God knows where I would be_   
_If you hadn't found me, sitting all alone in the dark_   
_A dumb screenshot of youth_   
_Watch how a cold broken teen_   
_Will desperately lean on a superglued human of proof_

_Dodie - Sick of losing soulmates_

_Lucas._

The name kept echoing in his mind while he was still shaking the boy’s hand, soft and little in his.

When Lucas awkwardly smiled at him, glancing at their hands, Jens realized he has been keeping his hand for maybe too much time, so he retired it with a nervous laugh, immediately putting them into his pockets like he was hiding them.

“cold hands” he rapidly said, hardly swallowing, blinking his eyes.

“yours too” Lucas replied, biting his lips.

Jens smiled.

“so...” he started, raising his eyebrows “your friends want you to find a girl, tonight”

“yeah” Lucas scoffed, breathing out a white cloud of smoke “they put too much effort in the mission”

“more than you, I would say” Jens teased him.

Lucas glanced at the floor, blushing.

“I’m more the guy someone put the effort in” he replied, lifting his eyes towards him.

Jens swallowed, and he was sure that if it wasn’t for his dark skin, he would have blushed, too. He smiled, looking at the ground with a smile.

“you know,” he said to Lucas, taking a drag “your friends remind me of mine”

“really?” Lucas asked raising an eyebrow in a dubious expression.

“Yeah, idiots, but...” Jens tried to explain, scowling “you know...good idiots”

“except when they bother stranger girls at parties” Lucas admitted, smirking.

“someone that my friends would totally do, too,” Jens told him, breathing out the smoke.

Lucas laughed, biting the inside of his cheeks, a habit he has had since he was a child “you’re not from here, right?”

It wasn’t properly a question, more like a statement.

“from Rotterdam?” Jens asked, breathing out the smoke.

“The Netherlands” Lucas specified “your accent is...strange”

Jens slowly shook his head, smiling.

“where are you from?” Lucas asked.

“let’s see if you guess it”

The Dutch boy smiled, lifting the left corner of his lips “what do I win if I guess it?”

Jens quickly licked his lips “sharing my weed with me?”

Lucas swayed his head right and left “no dutch boy would refuse an offer like this”

“so, guess it” Jens challenged him “where am I from?”

“how many tries I have?”

“three?” he replied, shrugging and shaking his head.

Lucas nodded.

“ok,” he said, biting his lips “from your accent I would say...France?”

Jens slowly shook his head, with an amused smile on his face, his lips fighting to hold back a wider smile.

“close?”

“very” he nodded finally letting his lips open in a wide smile that made Lucas forget about the bet, the party, The Netherlands and entire Europe.

“Belgium” Lucas stated sharply.

“jackpot” Jens reacted, with a wink “I shouldn’t have given you that hint...”

“maybe you really wanted to share that weed” Lucas stated, with a fake innocent smile.

“so, what brought here from Antwerp?” Lucas asked while they were searching for a place to sit and smoke. A warm place preferably inside the house. The cold was pleasing as soon as they stayed outside only for a little, neither of them wanted to catch pneumonia.

“My best friend’s boyfriend knows one of the deejays” he replied, turning his neck towards Lucas behind him.

Jens was walking ahead of him, and once or twice Lucas had to concentrate on his nape, to not lower his gaze.

“how many best friends do you have?” Lucas considered, scowling “the ex of that girl, the boyfriend of the friend of the deejays...”

“it’s the same guy” Jens turned his head again, looking at Lucas from his shoulder with an amused smirk.

Lucas stopped on the stairs, looking at the boy in evident confusion, his brain elaborating the information “and he is here with his ex and his current girlfriend?”

“his current _boyfriend”_ he specified.

Lucas blinked, raising his eyebrows, then he shrugged, smiling “and people say that in The Netherlands we are hedonists…”

“what about you?” Jens asked him, starting to walking again “what brought you here?”

“my friend knows a person who is a friend of someone whose brother fixed the electric implant”

“six degrees of separation at their finest” Jens commented without turning back, struggling to find a way through the sea of people.

Lucas smiled back, undecided to tell him that he thought the same thing just a few hours before.

Finally, they reached the second floor, where there wasn’t a party, just people standing up next to the wall, talking to each other with their cups in their hands.

Along the corridors, there were the doors of what once were the rooms of the family that used to live there, even though Jens wasn’t sure about the story of the millionaire.

While they were walking, Jens opened a door, after knocking, checking if someone was in there.

“it’s free,” he said, smiling at Lucas, who looked away, not able to handle that smile.

The room was little but warm, with a mattress without sheets and two big windows from which they could see the full moon illuminating the ambient.

The music from the hall could be heard from there, and the floor was slightly vibrating.

“what do you think?” Jens asked, and when Lucas turned back to him, he saw that he was staring at him.

Lucas swallowed “pretty cozy”

“yeah,” the other agreed, locking the door.

Lucas raised an eyebrow, and looked away, he didn’t want Jens to see his confusion.

He tried to elaborate on the situation: he was locked in a room with a guy, a hot guy he just met at a party.

The thought itself made his stomach twitch, and his skin crawls, not in a bad way, though.

Jens tried to switch on the lights, but there were no lamps.

“at least we have the Moon” he considered smooth, shrugging.

Lucas smiled, awkwardly, absolutely unable to say anything else, he was terrified, other than intrigued by the situation.

He sat on the floor, cross-legged, as he watched Jens preparing the joint.

His hands were big and lean, while his fingers rolled the joint, and Lucas’ heart almost lost a beat when Jens quickly licked it, he had to look away, biting his lips, praying for not having an erection at that moment.

Lucas’ phone ringed and he had no intention to answer it, but Jens peeked at the screen and smiled.

“Kes is calling,” he said, pointing at the phone with a nod of his head.

Lucas turned off the phone and put it back in the pocket.

“i-it’s nothing” he quickly replied, shaking his head and putting the phone in silence mode.

“Kes is your friend from before?” Jens asked with a neutral tone in his voice. 

Lucas nodded “the one with dark hair”

“He cares about you very much, it seems” he considered, passing the joint to Lucas, who took it.

“a little overprotective” Lucas explained “we know each other since we were little”

“yeah, I also have a friend like that”

“the one who brought his boyfriend and his ex here?”

“hey" Jens laughed with a wide smile "it’s not that strange, once you see them, it’s pretty chill,” he said “she even bought him a Christmas’ present”

“to her ex?” Lucas asked, widening his eyes.

“to her ex’s _boyfriend,”_ Jens pointed out.

“Jesus Christ...”

“don’t you have these dramas in The Netherlands?”

Lucas remembered the time when Kes and Isa were fighting, how he felt guilty and how he hated himself for what he did to his best friends.

“yes, actually” he admitted, scowling and swallowing back the guilt “but not like yours” he stated.

“I would gladly move in, then”

“you’re welcome, whenever you want”

The implication of what he said hit him like a slap from a cold hand covered with thorns.

“I mean…” Lucas tried to save himself, making a squeaking sound from the back of his throat.

Jens was watching him panicking with an amused smile on his face, giggling a little.

Someone tried to open the door, insistently. They both immediately looked at the door and then at each other, Lucas was gazing at Jens, who put his index on his own mouth, silently laughing.

“fuck” they heard from outside “the party is just begun and someone is already fucking”

They both burst into laughs, covering their mouths to stay silent.

“that’s why I locked the door” Jens explained.

“Machiavellian” Lucas admitted, squeezing his eyes.

The music in the hall changed, and Lucas immediately recognized the song.

_Don’t you_

_Forget about me_

“This song,” Lucas said, smiling and closing his eyes.

“do you know it?” Jens asked.

“don’t you?” Lucas asked him back.

Jens shook his head, raising an eyebrow.

“it’s the soundtrack of a movie, _The Breakfast Club”_

“never heard of it” Jens admitted, tempted to lie and say that he knew it, but he was too afraid of being caught by the boy, to lie.

“you should see it, it’s amazing”

“what is about?”

“a group of teenagers, everyone very different from the other, it’s forced to spend the day together in detention...” Lucas began, stopping, afraid of seeming too nerdy.

“And…?” Jens invited him to continue, coming closer.

“...and they discover that they are not so different and that no one is just one thing, that everyone lives the same shit, and the difference we see between each other is just in our minds. We just have to find that spot in common, like we need to concentrate on what unifies us, not what divides us”

When Lucas looked at Jens, he was watching at him, with a curious smile on his face.

“Sorry,” Lucas said, shaking his head, glancing at the floor “I’m a bit of a movie nerd”

“no, it’s… it’s cool” Jens admitted “I’m dying to see it, I swear. I would do anything, with you talking about it like that”

For a moment, Lucas was sure he was clinically dead. He swallowed, elaborating that declaration in his mind, lowering his eyes on his hands to not look at Jens.

Looking into his eyes should be considered an extreme sport.

“something’s wrong?” Jens asked.

“no” Lucas shook his head, blinking “I-I’m a little hungry, aren’t you?”

Jens nodded and stood up, stretching his neck.

“Follow me,” he said to Lucas, giving him his hand. Lucas watched it, dubious on what to do, then he leaned his hand and took it, letting him help him to stand up.

“where are we going, exactly?” Lucas asked following Jens anyway.

They had already crossed the hall full of people dancing and making out, and once or twice Lucas had to grasp Jens sweatshirt, careful to not touch his skin, trembling and cold sweating at the idea, a low voice in his head telling him to do it and pretend it was a mistake, or for not lose him in the crowd.

They were arrived in a dark and cold corridor, without lighting, so they had to use their phone flashlight.

“When we arrived, this afternoon,” Jens told him “one guy showed us the house, and at the end of this corridor, there is a kitchen”

“I don’t know if we can use that kitchen” Lucas considered.

“Are you hungry or not?” Jens asked, looking back at him, with a grin.

Lucas opened and closed his mouth, struggling to find something to say, Jens, looking at him with a challenging look.

He raised his eyes to the ceiling, smiling “if we get arrested, I’m giving you the fault” Lucas advised him, blinking and looking away “just know it”

“coward” the other scoffed, keeping walking.

“thief” he replied with the same tone.

Jens turned back again, giving him a wider smile, that Lucas reciprocated.

“here we are” Jens proclaimed whispering. They were in front of a closed door, and the boy tried to open it, with poor results.

“fuck” he muttered “it’s locked”

“What did you expect, Diabolik?” Lucas mocked him.

“Maybe I’m not made for crimes”

“but maybe I am” Lucas replied taking his wallet from his pocket.

“are you corrupting the door?”

Lucas laughed “something more useful”

The boy took an old fidelity card of a bookshop that had closed six months before. He slipped it in the lock, and after thirty seconds the door was open. He opened his arms with the attitude of a magician after a good trick.

“I cannot believe it!” Jens exclaimed with his mouth open, looking and the door slowly opening.

Lucas stood up, replacing his card in the wallet and shrugging, with an innocent smile.

“How did you do it?”

Lucas shrugged again. “you’re not really expecting me to say that...”

Jens sighed, slowly shaking his head while licking his lips.

“Are you hungry or not?” Lucas asked, opening the door.

The kitchen was cold as well, like the room they were sharing, but at least the lighting worked. It was pretty little, with a small, round, woody table, a fridge and a stove.

Jens walked directly towards the fridge, opening it.

“What are today’s specials?” Lucas asked, passing a finger over the table.

“not too much” Jens admitted “but, I’ve seen worse”

“so...what are we making?”

“do you trust me?” Jens asked looking back to him with a smile. And Lucas would have agreed on everything if Jens had proposed it with that smile on.

“ehm… we’ve known each other for so long, so why not” he replied.

Jens began to take many things from the fridge, things that he would have never put together, like eggs, pickles, mayonnaise, and tuna. Things that not even _Isa_ would have put together.

“Sorry but I have to ask it...” Lucas intervened “do you have any idea of what you’re doing?”

Jens laughed “yeah” he stated, still smiling “trust me, I make things like this almost once a week for my brother. We call it _surviving sandwich_ ”

“that’s because you have to see if you survive to that sandwich?” Lucas teased him.

And at that moment, Lucas saw something in Jens: the way he moved around the stoves, the way he managed with the pans and the ingredients, not like a teenager but like an adult, like _him_.

“do you usually cook at home?”

“yep” Jens admitted, breaking the eggs in the pan “and my brother is still alive and in good health”

“if you say so...” Lucas said just to mock him, daring to come closer “can I do something?”

“cut those pickles” the other suggested, giving him a knife.

For a few minutes, they just stayed there, only the sizzle of the eggs and the sharp sound of the knife that cut the pickles in slices.

Jens glanced at Lucas’ hands, fast and confident.

“you’re pretty quick” he considered, with a surprised look over his face.

“you’re not the only one who cooks for the family” Lucas explained, looking sideways with a smile at him and giving him the pickles finely sliced.

“fine” Jens said, sighing “it’s done”

“the smell promises nothing good”

“a lot of things that smell have a good taste, at the end”

“like what?”

“honey”

“honey doesn’t smell” Lucas argued, laughing “ _this_ smells. Did you use honey?”

“just try it, okay?” Jens said, giving him the sandwich “and if it tastes good, I win”

“and what would you win?”

“I’ll let you know”

Lucas sighed, closing his eyes and biting into the sandwich. It was salty and a little bitter, but definitely not bad at all, maybe even good.

“so…?” Jens asked, raising his chin with a proud look.

Lucas' tongue flicked out to swipe the mayonnaise on the corner of his lips, making Jens’ insides ignite.

“not bad as I thought” Lucas admitted, swallowing with a finger over his lips “not good as you say”

“This makes me a winner, right?” Jens considered, with a particular thought lingering in his mind.

Even if that sandwich would have been the worst sandwich ever made in European history, Lucas would have made Jens win anyway.

“guess so” he admitted, eating his sandwich “but I still haven’t heard about the prize”

Jens mulled, looking at the ceiling, a finger tapping his chin “let me think...”

Lucas was still watching him, curious and intrigued when they both heard a rumor coming from outside the door. Steps and someone talking.

They looked at each other, eyes wide open, Lucas muttered a silent _fuck_ in his lips, but Jens was more resolute and quickly started to put everything in his place.

“run,” he said taking Lucas for his wrist.

Soon they found out that the basement didn’t have an exit.

“fuck” Jens whispered while the steps were becoming louder and closer “and now?”

Lucas glanced around, and his gaze stopped at a door right back them.

“I’m not going to jail because of you,” he said opening the door and shoving Jens inside, in the exact same moment when the basement opened and someone entering the kitchen.

They were in complete darkness, breathless and Lucas could hear his heartbeat so fast that he was afraid Jens could feel it in his chest. Lucas felt the cold door against his back, and he should have worried about the people that could bust them, but at that moment he was too distracted by Jens’ breath on his forehead, his body against his, his gaze upon him.

“who the fuck entered in here?” they heard from outside, covering their mouths to not laugh.

“damned kids…” another voice replied.

Their heartbeats grew faster when they heard steps becoming closer and closer.

Jens pulled him in a narrow nook of that cupboard, just a second before the door opened.

Whoever opened it wasn’t keen enough to enter and check if someone was inside, so they only heard the door closing and a muffled curse.

They were in complete darkness, yet their eyes had adjusted enough to make them look in each other eyes, struggling to hold back the laughs.

Jens was about to give up, letting a loud chuckle slip outside his mouth and Lucas dared to cover his mouth with his hand, a gesture far too intimate for two strangers.

He quickly removed his hand, a sorry look in his eyes.

“guess we will have to share the cell, in the end,” Jens said, making him smile.

The voices in the basement became louder, but they couldn’t hear what they were saying.

“do you think they’re going away?” Lucas asked, swallowing. They were too close, too damn close.

“I don’t know” Jens admitted “but we jimmied the lock and stole their food, so I don’t think it’s safe to exit for a bit”

“what’s your idea?” Lucas demanded, “spending the night in a… what is this, exactly?”

It was so dark he couldn’t even tell where they were, in that complete darkness.

“wait” Jens whispered and Lucas felt him slowly moving.

“wh-” he tried to say but his voice cracked, he cleared his throat “what are you doing?”

“finding a switch, or anything recognizable”

Lucas was holding his breath, praying for Jens to stop moving.

He felt Jens’ hands on his waist and he silently gasped, biting his lips to prevent himself from making any noise. He couldn’t tell what was worse, the people outside catching them or Jens catching him gasp at his touch.

“Sorry,” Jens asked, finally stopping “sorry”

“it’s nothing,” the other said, sharp “let me try”

He slithered his hands on the wall behind him and he finally found a switch.

The light went suddenly on and Jens rapidly closed his eyes, shaking his head for the discomfort.

“sorry” Lucas muttered, blinking, letting his eyes adjust.

“at least we have the light” Jens considered.

“Yeah,” Lucas agreed.

They were in a little cupboard, narrow, but not as they thought, so Lucas had finally the chance to take a step far from Jens and his warmth.

“We can even sit,” the Belgian said, slowly sitting on the ground. And Lucas imitated him.

Lucas could keep his leg stretched out, but Jens had to keep them a little bent.

“not so bad,” Jens said.

“I’ve spent the night in worse places” Lucas admitted.

“like where?”

“at my friend's cabin,” he explained “sleeping on the floor”

“and what is the difference between now and then?”

“I’m not sleeping”

Jens smiled, lifting his eyebrows, tilting his head to the side and Lucas got the subtext of what he had said.

“I mean...” he tried explaining, his voice squeaking in that noise Jens liked so much, even though Lucas couldn’t know “I didn’t mean…”

“you mean that at least now you have company”

“yeah exactly” he agreed “but I’m colder”

Jens took off his beanie from the pocket of his jacket.

“take” he offered him.

“no, I can’t” Lucas refused “I don’t want you on my conscience”

“I have the hoodie” Jens insisted “keep it”

Lucas smiled and accepted it, quickly wearing it.

“how am I?” he asked.

“It suits you”

They smiled, and Lucas thanked the distance between them, and the very poor illumination.


	3. 3 chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Long time no see. I ask sorry to whoever was expecting an update but it has been a very difficult month here in Italy (and all around the world) and I didn't have time to upload the new chapters. I will be uploading the next in the following days, let me know what do you think.

CHAPTER 3

_Stood at the cold face  
Stood with our backs to the sun  
I can remember being nothing but fearless and young  
We've become echoes, but echoes, they fade away  
We've fallen to the dark as we dive under the waves _

_ Silhouette-Aquilo _

A muffled sound woke him up.

It was like a ring, persistent but distant; when he managed to open up his eyes he saw Lucas, in front of him, his face brightened by the blue light of a phone.

“sorry” he muttered with a tired smile, he had just woken up, just like him “good morning”

“good morning,” Jens said back, trying to stretch his leg but realizing he couldn’t due to the lack of space.

He rubbed his eyes, yawning, and blinked to definitely wake up.

“What time is it?” he asked, yawning again.

“almost noon” Lucas replied, shoving his phone in his pocket.

“what?!” Jens exclaimed, widening his eyes in shock.

“We fell asleep at 6 am, so I think it’s pretty normal”

Jens laughed a little bit, keeping rubbing his eyes.

“I think it’s safe enough to exit...” Lucas considered, and even though Jens liked to be in there with Lucas, he was pretty glad to finally can stretch his legs, so he nodded.

Lucas stood up first, with a whimper, and stretched himself, lifting his arms to the ceiling. His shirt lifted enough to make Jens see a few centimeters of skin, just upon the waistband. He knew he should have to look away, but he didn’t, almost hypnotized by that light skin. He surprised himself wondering how it would have felt at the touch, under his fingers.

Lucas offered him his hand, and Jens took it, standing up.

He didn’t consider that his legs  could be that weak, asleep after being bent all night, so he tripped on his own feet, and he would have been probably e nded on the floor if it wasn’t for Lucas who took him by  his arms, right under his armpit s . 

“you ok?” he asked, awkwardly smiling near his face.

“Yeah, sorry” Jens reassured him, moving his legs “just a little weak after the night”

“can I leave you now?” the boy asked then.

“as you prefer” Jens teased him, appreciating the way Lucas’ cheek had became suddenly red.

Lucas swallowed, letting him go, keeping his hands near Jens anyway, in case he tripped again.

“wait,” Jens said, slightly opening up the door and looking outside, the basement was empty “green light”

When the sunlight hit them, they had to cover their eyes.

The house seemed very different from the day before, full of people sleeping on the floor in their sleeping bag.

“great party” Jens considered, looking at Lucas, who looked back at him with his bright blue eyes, holding a smile.

He resisted only a few seconds, then they both burst into laughs.

It was like they both realized only at that moment that they went to a party just to spend the night closed in a tiny cupboard with a stranger. And that they both really enjoyed that.

“Jens?”

The boy turned back to his best friend's voice calling for him.

Robbe and Sander were walking towards them, their hair messy and their clothes ragged. Jens didn’t have to think a lot about why.

“hey,” he said, not worried at all for them to meet Lucas.

“where have you been? You suddenly disappeared…” Robbe asked, but then his eyes flew to Lucas near him and he suddenly stopped talking, looking at them in confusion.

Jens swallowed, scrubbing his palm over his nape.

“ehm, he is Lucas” he finally announced. 

“Robbe”

“Sander”

They said, shaking hands with Lucas.

For a moment they remained in silence, awkwardly.

“Why don’t you wait for me at the tent?” Jens proposed, rapidly glancing outside “I’ll join you soon”

The couple nodded, and they left them alone, turning back to them once or twice.

“the friend of the deejay and the ex of that girl, right?” Lucas asked, pointing at them.

“yeah”

“they seem nice”

“they are” Jens agreed, looking directly at him

Lucas swallowed, opening and closing his mouth.

“I’m...” he started, blinking rapidly, shaking his head “I’m sorry you had to spend the night with me...”

“I’m not” Jens admitted, shrugging.

Lucas lifted his gaze and met his smirk, blushing slightly.

“you could have found a better company...”

“Could I?” Jens provocatively asked, and Lucas swallowed again, quickly licking his lips, not in a teasing way, but enough to make Jens’ skin crawl.

Finally, the Dutch boy dared to look at him: they were in an almost empty hall if they didn’t count people asleep on the floor.

Jens’ eyes wandered on Lucas’ lips, slender and pink, his mouth semi-opened, and without noticing, his head was leaning down towards his.

He dared to look at Lucas and their eyes met, light blue in dark brown, they both smiled, leaning in, their smiles a little closer within every second.

“Lucas?!”

They quickly  moved away from each other. Jens saw the guy with curly hair coming closer to them.  And he slightly hated him, at that moment. 

“We thought you were dead, bro” he exclaimed, “where the fuck have you been?”

“I...” Lucas stuttered “I-I…”

The guy’s glance flew on Jens, who was standing right next to Lucas, their arms touching through the fabric of their sweatshirts.

“do we know each other?” Kes asked, frowning, tilting his head to the side.

“you tried to pick up my friend yesterday” he quickly replied. 

“oh right!” the other agreed with a giggle, then he glanced at them, keeping frowning “do _you_ know each other?”

Jens looked at Lucas, who was watching them confused, panting in panic and who clearly wasn’t going to tell anything. 

“I just ask him a lighter,” he said, picking Lucas’ lighter in his pocket and giving it back to him. Lucas took it without saying anything.

“see you around” he muttered with a quick gesture of his hand.

He walked away from them, heading to his friends, dying from the will to turn back and see if the boy was watching him going away.

Lucas was.

“where the fuck have you been, bro?” Kes asked him when they were walking towards the station, with their backpack on their shoulders. 

“I think that I drank too much and I collapsed in a cupboard...” he lied.

He spent the rest of the day searching for Jens, he couldn’t get too far from Kes and Jayden without them asking too many questions, but his gaze wandered around to search for him, and he said he had to go to the bathroom four times, just to go and search for him, but he didn’t found him anywhere. He even went to the basement.

When Kes found them, that morning, Lucas was so terrified that he couldn’t find a way to explain what happened, and actually, there weren’t ways to explain what happened without making Kes know what Lucas really liked.

He panicked, and he didn’t even find the courage to ask Jens his number, or his Facebook.

“listen” Kes started “I’m sorry for yesterday, the story with the girl...”

“it’s nothing,” Lucas said, walking.

“Yeah, but...I didn’t want to piss you or anything, I just wanted you to have fun. You know, with all that mess with your parents, I thought you needed to do something stupid”

And actually, Kes was right, Lucas really needed to do something stupid, because he almost forgot about his life in Utrecht for the previous sixteen hours, too busy with something else, _someone_ else. And at that moment it was like all his troubles went on him again, and he remembered what life he was coming back to.

He didn’t even remember last time he spent an entire night without worrying about anything, about his mom, about his father that kept calling, trying to convince him to go with him and leave his mother alone.

For that night, he just enjoyed spending time with someone, like the old, lighthearted Lucas.

It has been fun, though, until it has lasted.

“where you did you take that beanie?” Kes asked suddenly “I’ve never seen it on you”

Lucas frowned for an instant, and then he touched his head, feeling the fabric of a beanie he didn’t have when he arrived the day before.

He was glad to have at least something to remind him of him.

The train was full, so they had to split. He was sitting right next to the window, with Noor in front of him that kept watching him with a curious smile, pretending to read her book, peering every now and then over the pages.

“come on, ask me” Jens sighed with a smile, rolling his eyes “I know you’re dying to”

Noor quickly closed her book and p ut it on his knees. 

“or maybe you’re dying to tell it to someone...” she teased him with a curious smile “what happened?”

Jens thought about it, narrowing his eyes, concentrated to recall all the events.

“I asked him if he got a light...”

She lifted his chin, gloating “you followed my advice...”

“it’s a pick up line since the dawn of time” he replied, but he was glad he could finally talk to someone about Lucas. It all happened so fast he didn’t even have time to think about it, but he picked up a _boy._ It has never happened before. 

“any way” he continued “he apologized for bothering you, implying that you were my girlfriend...”

“he was testing you, how cute…” she said, grimacing with his lips like she was talking about a puppy.

“may I finish, please?” he rolled his eyes, chuckling.

It was so good to talk with Noor, she was never disappointed or bothered, always understanding; she made seem even the strangest situation like it was nothing to worry about. He needed someone with that kind of energy in his life.

Even the day before, she pushed him to go to talk with the cute guy with blue eyes and curly hair, without asking explanations or anything like that, like it was the simplest thing in the universe; and maybe it was.

“Yeah, sorry, go on…” she approved, lifting her arms.

“anyway, we shared my weed, and we talked, and we went in the basement to eat something, but then someone tried to enter and so we had to hide in a cupboard, where we spent the night”

“you did what?!” she exclaimed a little too loudly: few fellow passengers turned towards them and she had to ask sorry, blushing a little.

At that moment the door that separated their wagon from the other opened and Robbe and Sander appeared.

“what did he do?” Robbe asked while he and Sander sat next to them.

Noor lowered his gaze on his book, right after looking at Jens, she would have never say anything about how she convinced him to go to talk to Lucas the day before.

Jens fidgeted his fingers on the big pockets of his jeans.

“I spent the night with a guy, yesterday” he announced, finally. 

“that Lucas?” Sander asked, curious.

Jens nodded.

“ _fuck_ ” the blond muttered, closing his eyes, while Robbe was laughing, in front of him. Then he picked five euros from his pocket and gave it to his boyfriend.

“no offense, honey,” Robbe said, shrugging “I know him better”

Jens licked his lips and chuckled.

“Sorry, bro,” he said to Sander, giving him a shove on his shoulder. 

“wait” Noor intervened “but what happened?”

“We just talked” Jens admitted “we spent the night closed in that cupboard, but we just talked”

“so you didn’t kiss?” Sander asked, curious again.

Jens frowned, blinking “no?”

Sander smiled  and slowly turned towards  Robbe who  reluctantly  gave him back his five euros,  puffing .

“who spends the night with someone without kissing him?” Robbe exclaimed.

After half of an hour, Sander and Noor fell asleep, curled in their seats.

“so...Lucas” Robbe simply said with a grin.

“I’m as surprised as you” Jens admitted, shrugging “I saw him in the crowd and when his friends came towards us,” he told, pointing at him and Noor, “I thought they were coming for me, but they wanted to arrange him with Noor. I felt a little disappointed”

“was it the first time that you…?”

“that I felt interested in a boy?” Jens ended the question for his friend.

Robbe nodded.

“for a _real_ boy, yes” he confessed, trying to recall any past memory “but I already noticed that I felt something for boys in general, too. Only actors, or models, though”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jens shrugged “there was nothing to talk to. I didn’t know what to think, either. I honestly thought that was normal, feeling something for a hot actor, I believed that I would have never felt something for an actual boy” he admitted.

“but then” he continued “but then I saw him in the crowd, and I… I don’t know, I felt the urge to look at him for as long as I could”

“yeah, I know that feeling”

Jens looked outside the window, sighing.

“what about Jana?” Robbe dared to ask.

“honestly?”

Robbe nodded.

“I haven’t thought about her for the past twenty hours. It’s the first time since I met her”

“wow”

“yeah”

“and now?” Robbe asked, “do you think you and Lucas are gonna talk or so?”

Jens sighed again, biting his lips “I don’t even know his last name...”

Robbe widened his big brown eyes, in a shattered expression “what?! Why?!”

“I don’t know” Jens defensed himself, shrugging “we were… we were about to kiss, at one moment, but then one of his friends come and Lucas became suddenly odd. He didn’t introduce me to him and when this guy asked if we knew each other he didn’t even answer...so I said that I was just asking for a lighter and then I walked away...”

“ouch” Robbe narrowed his eyes in pain, puffing “bad sign”

“yeah” he sighed “maybe he didn’t like me, after all”

“Jens...” Robbe said, tilting his head to the left “it’s not like that. Maybe he was just afraid to talk to his friends… It can be...terrifying”

“was it like that for you? Terrifying?”

Jens has thought about it a couple of times since Robbe came out: did he do something to make Robbe uncomfortable?

He remembered being a little harsh with him, before his coming out: all that stupid jokes and the times Robbe clearly needed someone to talk to while he was more interested in picking up girls, so much he didn’t even notice that Robbe was in love right under his eyes.

The thought tortured him, being a good friend was his primary goal; and knowing that his friend, his  _best_ friend could be  _afraid_ of him, would have been a complete failure. 

Robbe nodded “I was afraid that you wouldn’t have wanted to be my friends anymore, I didn’t want to lose you all”

“why would you have thought something like that?”

“girls were an important part of our friendship, we used to talk about girls for entire afternoons. I was afraid that liking boys, _only_ boys, would have made me an outsider…”

Jens leaned towards him and rubbed his best friend's hair.

“if it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if I would have taken it this chill, liking boys”

“glad I helped,” Robbe said, and they both laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

4 Chapter

_What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way_   
_What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you_   
_What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way_   
_What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you_

_Wicked Game-Chris Isaak_

_Jens._

_Jens Antwerp._

_Antwerp Jens._

_Belgium Jens Antwerp._

_Fuck._

He was going insane.

He has spent the last three days looking online for someone he didn’t even know the last name of.

They had been talking for six hours and he didn’t think about asking his fucking last name.

Lucas knew his tastes in music, his favorite foods, his most embarrassing memory, he even knew his shoes' size, because he saw it under his soles, but he didn’t know basic information like his fucking last name.

He checked inside his beanie, hoping that Jens was the type of guy who writes his name on the labels of his clothes, but obviously, he wasn’t.

How could a guy like that be the type who writes his name on his labels?

He sighed, rubbing his tired eyes; he watched every single photo of the party on Facebook and Instagram, but Jens wasn’t there. Maybe Jens didn’t have a social media profile at all, and that perspective itself terrified him.

He even searched about Antwerp on Google: a really beautiful city, but besides that, it hadn’t really helped him find Jens.

Lucas tilted his head back, stretching his neck, his eyes aching for have been too much in front of a computer.

His phone buzzed and he skipped on his chair.

_Dad._

“ _fuck”_ he muttered under his voice.

Last time he didn’t reply for more than two days, he sent his lawyers to his mother, telling him that she couldn’t prevent him from talking to his father like his mother could have prevented him from doing anything.

“hi, dad” he picked up.

“hey, finally,” his father said, laughing “where have you been?”

“Rotterdam” Lucas replied, sharp “to a party”

“cool” the man reacted “and how it went? Any news?”

“Always the same: school, friends, homework...”

“glad to hear it” he heard him saying “and your mother?”

“she is...” Lucas started “she is trying, she gets better every day”

“Luc, you know you can come living with me and Carla whenever you want...”

“I’m happy where I am...” he said, puffing “I gotta go”

He closed the phone and sighed, leaning his head on his desk.

Speaking about his mother, he hasn’t heard from her for many hours, by now, so he stood up and opened his room’s door just to find his leaving room completely covered in paper.

"what?" he whispered. 

Every single centimeter of the walls and the floor was covered with a piece of paper, and at the center of the room, there was his mother, compulsively writing.

“mum...” he whispered, glancing at the walls of their living room, turning his head right and left “what…?”

But she didn’t react, she just kept writing, so hard he could hear the noise of the pencil on the paper. He came closer, kneeling near her and gently putting his hand on her shoulder, knowing that in a moment like that he had to be as delicate as possible. She snapped under his touch, looking at him with wide eyes, like a deer on the road.

“mum...”

She smiled “Luc...” she said smiling “good news. I’m writing all the prayers to God, so he will not send his flood to us”

“you don’t have to use so much paper next to the fireplace,” Lucas said, gently “we’ve already talked about that”

But the woman didn’t react, again.

“it’s pretty late, why don’t you just go to sleep?” he suggested “God will hear you anyway”

The woman nodded “I’m tired”

“I know” Lucas whispered, noticing how red her eye was “go to sleep, I’ll keep praying for you”

His mother looked at him and for a moment, he saw the woman who usually takes care of him, he hoped that that episode would end up soon.

“God bless you,” she said, giving him a forehead kiss, and vanishing behind his bedroom door.

Lucas remained alone in the room, filled with a piece of paper: he started picking every one of them, throwing them in the trash. His mother must have been copying pages and pages of Sacred Scripture all day: he picked up one, written with messy handwriting.

_Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, sodomites, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers- none of these will inherit the kingdom of God._

_1 Corinthians 6:9-11_

Lucas sighed, angrily removing the paper from the wall and shoving it in the fireplace.

“The storming of the Bastille” Jens announced, covering the book.

His brother rolled his eye and sighed in an overdramatic reaction, his head completely tilted back.

“faking you dead won’t help,” he said.

“Nothing would help, with you” the kid whined.

“c’mon Anton” Jens encouraged “we reviewed this two days ago”

“so there is no need to ask it again”

Jens sighed, shaking his head “let’s do like this: for every right answer, you get a chip, okay?”

“I’m in” the kid agreed “ask me anything”

“The day of the storming of the Bastille”

“14 July 17...89?”

Jens gave him one chip “great”

“I don’t get why I need all of this” Anton said, puffing “it’s boring”

“history is important”

“why?”

“well,” Jens started “first of all, for not committing the same mistakes twice… Sometimes we forgot that”

“we?”

Jens shrugged “you know… humans” he said “mum always told me that we can’t properly know what are we going to if we forgot what we’ve been going through”

He glanced at his little brother, who was slowly playing with the pages of his history book.

“you okay?” Jens asked.

“I miss her” the kid admitted, without lifting his eyes. In moments like that, Jens remembered how little his brother was; and he felt even more lost, how could he take care of someone, when he was barely capable of taking care of himself?

“I miss her too” he whispered like he was afraid of that statement.

They heard the rumor of the door opening, and they suddenly saw their father coming in, with plastic bags in his hands.

“Dad!” Andrew exclaimed, and ran towards the man to hug him.

“hi” Jens greeted him with a quick gesture.

“you’re still doing your homework?” he asked, looking at the table “what good kids”

“Jens was explaining the storming of the Bastille,” Andrew told his father.

“Actually, I was _asking_ you the storming of the Bastille”

“are you hungry?” the man asked “I brought food”

“We already ate” Jens replied, sharp.

“really?”

“it’s ten o’clock, dad” he considered “of course we already did”

“I’m still hungry, though” Andrew stated.

“take some plates” his father suggested, glancing at the kitchen, and Andrew ran.

Jens remained alone in the living room with his father, picking up his books.

“you can eat it tomorrow” he suggested.

Jens shook his head “I’m lunching with Robbe, tomorrow...”

His father scoffed “watch your back, then”

Jens lifted his gaze upon him with a dead serious face “excuse me?” he asked, lifting one eyebrow.

“you know since he…” the man began.

“since he…what?” Jens challenged him.

“I was just making a joke, Jens”

“It wasn’t funny” he muttered “at all”

The man puffed, rolling his eyes “since when you’re so over-sensitive?”

“I’m not over-sensitive” he replied “I just don’t like when someone offends my friends, I never did”

He went into his room, throwing his books on his desk, already full of paper and open books.

He was tired of studying, just wanting to relax and not think about anything, so he took his laptop and he tapped: _The Breakfast Club._

The alarm rang at six o’clock, like every day, and Lucas woke up like an automaton. He didn’t even need to think, anymore, it was like his body did everything by itself.

He walked to the kitchen and switched on the coffee machine: first thing first.

Jens woke up yawning, while his phone was still buzzing on the floor, he rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms, shaking his head.

He loved being the first to wake up in the morning, the silence in the house, the darkness slowly fading away, the scent of coffee invading the kitchen.

Lucas had a real talent for guessing when the toast was ready just by the smell. He took it from the toaster and covered it with jam and butter, scrolling his phone. Still nothing.

Jens took a bottle of milk from the fridge and a bag of cereal from the pantry, pouring them in two large bowls.

Lucas put his mother's breakfast on a small tray and brought it towards her room. His mother’s room was on the second floor, so she wouldn’t have been disturbed by house noise, but he had to bring everything upstairs.

He knocked at her door.

“mum?”

A quiet moan made him know that he could enter. The room was dark, and he could barely see his mother laid on the bed.

“I brought breakfast,” he said.

“mmm,” she muttered.

Lucas swallowed “I’m going to school, I’ll be back this evening. I’ve made you something for lunch and dinner, it’s in the fridge. Don’t use the kitchen, okay?”

She didn’t answer, but he knew she had heard him.

“Andrew!” Jens yelled, outside his brother's door “I can’t be late again, move on!”

“What happened?” his father asked, still in his pajamas, his black hair all messy.

“he doesn’t want to wake up and I’m late” Jens explained “sorry for waking you up”

“go to school, Jens” the man suggested “I’ll handle it, today”

Jens looked at his father, blinking his eyes “really?”

“yeah” the man confirmed “now go”

“can you pick him up this afternoon?” Jens asked “I have to study with Robbe”

His father nodded, smiling “it’s my free day, so...”

Jens raised his mouth a bit, in a slight smile.

“Jens...” the man started, opening and closing his mouth “thank you, for what you’re doing. Your help... it's really precious to me”

Jens nodded, with a light smile and took the door.

Lucas was about to fall asleep in the bus, he felt his eyelids heavy, and the warmth coming from the air conditioning didn’t help.

“you look terrible, man,” Kes said “more than usual, at least”

Lucas showed him his middle finger, smirking.

“my mother covered our living room with a piece of paper” he admitted adjusting on the seat “and I had to throw them away, one for one”

Kes widened his eye, scoffing with his fist covering his mouth “fuck”

“yeah,” Lucas sighed, raising his eyebrows. He rubbed his face with his hand “and my father keeps calling, asking me to go with him and his new _fiancee_ ”

Kes swallowed, coming closer.

“Luc...” he began, clenching his jaw “I don’t want to be rude, or something...I really like your mother, but...would it be so wrong? If you just go with your dad?”

“and leaving her alone?” Lucas considered “no way”

“Yeah, but you can’t go on like this, Luc” Kes affirmed, “you can’t stay awake at night to clean her mess, or not going to school because you’re afraid that she...”

“and what should I do, then?” he interrogated him “mmm? Leave her alone? She can’t be alone, she needs help, and if not me, who would help her?”

“your aunt?”

“she helps a lot, already” Lucas admitted, sighing “but she lives away, she can’t just leave her life and come here whenever I need her”

Kes sighed and leaned an arm around his best friend's shoulder, patting him on his shoulder.

Lucas knew that Kes was just dropping the topic, so he took his headphones from his pocket and put them on.

He wanted to open Spotify, but he distractedly opened YouTube, maybe because of the habit, or maybe because of the destiny. The thing is, that while he was absentmindedly scrolling his YouTube feed, something caught his attention.

_EENVOUD._

At first, he thought he was just having a delusion, maybe he saw a Jens' double or something, or maybe he was just going crazy, but he opened the video anyway.

And there he was, the boy he was looking for almost a week was right there, on his phone.

“fuck” he muttered.

“what?” Kes asked, and Lucas looked at him as he just remembered that he was on a bus, right next to his best friend.

“ehm, nothing” he replied quickly “I...my headphones don’t work anymore”

“o-ok,” Kes said, frowning.

Lucas opened the infobox, there was a list of Instagram account and he touched on Jens’ link.

A lot of photos with his friends, especially the guy with brown hair he met at the party, Lucas didn’t even remember if he was Robbe or Sander. He scrolled his profile till the end, secretly hoping to not find a picture with a girl.

His finger laid next to the _follow_ button, but something stopped him. He closed Instagram and YouTube and opened WhatsApp, searching for Ralph's profile.

_L: Hi, can I come to your place this afternoon? I need to talk._

The reply came really fast.

_R: Did I do something wrong?_

_L: No, you idiot. I just need to tell you something._

_R:_ _Oh honey!_

_You’re so gentle_

_But_ _I’m not ready for a relationship right now,_ _sorry_ _._

 _I_ _t would never work._

_L: Asshole._

_R: At my place, at 6 pm. Don’t be late._

Lucas gave one more look to Jens's profile, before getting off the bus, smiling: Google’s algorithm just gave his sentimental life an unexpected twist.

“have you heard from Lucas?” Robbe asked while he was eating.

Jens immediately stopped chewing, he preferred not talking about it. About the fact he spent the last week seeing all the Lucas he could find on Facebook, wishing that boy had a less common name.

“Nope,” he just replied.

“have you tried to search him on the internet?”

Jens didn’t answer, looking at the pizza they bought for lunch.

“of course you did” Robbe laughed, giving him a shove “look at how you’ve blushed!”

“glad you’re having the best time of your life making fun of me” Jens murmured ironically.

“you know...” Robbe began, biting his slice of pizza “I had forgotten how funny it is when you like someone”

“ _like...”_ Jens repeated, tasting for the first time in so long how that word sounded like “I barely know him. We just… had fun together at a party”

“yeah,” Robbe mocked him “all alone, closed in a narrow cupboard...”

“I told you, nothing happened” Jens assured him.

“okè” Robbe shrugged, with a wide smile on his face.

“but...” Jens started.

“I knew there was a _but...”_ Robbe admitted.

“maybe if I just had asked him his number, or his damn last name...” Jens thought loudly.

“you think something could have happened?” Robbe asked, serious.

Jens nodded “I’m not stupid. I know that there was something between us, and Utrecht is not even that far. If it wasn’t for my stupid pride...”

“you could be with him and not with your boring best friend...”

Jens's phone buzzed in his pocket, and Jens ignored it.

“Maybe it’s him” Robbe suggested “maybe he has spent all these days searching for you, too, and now he finally found you”

“shut up,” Jens said but picked his phone anyway.

He frowned at the screen.

“what?” Robbe asked, “don’t leave me hanging...”

“It’s from an unknown number...”

“fuck!” Robbe exclaimed, laughing with his fist in front of his mouth “it’s him! Of course, it’s him!”

“Hello?” Jens answered.

“Jens...” a well-known voice spoke.

“Anton?” Jens muttered, “what is happening?”

“Can you come to pick me up?” his little brother asked “my battery is dead and the school has closed two hours ago”

“hasn’t dad come to pick you up?”

“...no...”

Jens sighed, rubbing his face with his hand “I’m coming. Stay where you are, okay?”

The boy took his jacket and quickly wore it.

“all okay?”

“no” he answered sharp “I’m gonna kill my dad, I swear to God”

Ralph’s flat was the same mess, like always. He was the messiest human being in the world, but he made the best tea, so it was worth to come visiting him.

“so?” his friend asked “I’m dying to know”

Lucas laughed. He thought a lot about how to say out loud something he has never said, neither in those days when he desperately seeks for Jens on the internet.

“it’s nothing...” he began, shaking his head. It was like all the speech he had prepared was faded, and he couldn’t find a way to express the mess that his brain was in that moment, even messier than that flat.

“I… met someone… a boy” he just dropped, breathing out.

Ralph looked at him with a warm smile, a little sparkle of pride in his eyes.

“well this is definitely _something_ ” Ralph replied, “who is?”

“a boy I met at a party” he admitted, torturing his hands “nothing has really happened between us, but we spent the entire night together...”

“the _night_?” Ralph asked, looking at him with an amused smile.

“yeah, but we didn’t even kiss or anything, we just…” he explained, smiling “talked...”

“all night?”

Lucas nodded.

“actually…” he added “actually something was about to happen. I think that at one point he… was trying to kiss me”

“and then?” Ralph asked, sipping his tea and leaning towards Lucas.

“And Kes came and stopped us”

“fuck”

“Yeah,” Lucas agreed.

“and now?” Ralph interrogated him “do you keep in touch?”

“that’s the point...” Lucas muttered “I didn’t ask him his last name, so I couldn’t find him, but then, I finally found him and I don’t know what to do”

“I think you know what you want to do, Luc” Ralph suggested, “I think you’re just afraid, right?”

Lucas nodded.

Ralph sighed “it’s the first time you like a boy?”

Lucas shook his head, biting his lower lip.

“Have you ever liked a girl?”

Lucas shook his head again.

“listen” Ralph began, coming closer and taking Lucas’ hands in his “discovering your sexuality can be scary, I know, but it also can be...liberating. And really funny, even”

“I don’t want anything to change...” Lucas admitted, looking at his hands.

“If this...how is he called?”

“Jens” he answered with a smile.

“look how red you become when you say his name...” Ralph exclaimed laughing at him, making him blush even more “however… If this Jens would have been a girl, would you have the same fear? Of everything changing?”

“I don’t know, maybe not”

“exactly” Ralph pointed out “so why should anything change just because you like a boy?”

“I don’t know...” Lucas sighed “It’s that… I’m not like you or any other gay guy”

Ralph became immediately more serious, Lucas didn’t even know that Ralph could be _that_ serious. He raised an eyebrow, looking at him without any expression.

“Did I say something wrong?” Lucas asked.

“Yeah,” his friend admitted, severe “and on any other occasion I would be very mad, but I understand that you are only just… _undereducated_ ”

“Sorry..."

“I know that media like to represent gay people in a very stereotypical way, all wearing pink and liking fashion, and many people do: I do it, for example, but many others don’t. I dated boys who liked sports, one boy who liked heavy metal, everyone is different. We are _people,_ not stereotypes, and you don’t have to change anything just because you like boys. You don’t have to like Madonna, or musicals just because you fancy some boy you met at a party. Who you fuck doesn’t change who you _are”_

“sorry” Lucas muttered and Ralph shrugged.

“I do like musicals, by the way” Lucas added, smiling.

Ralph rolled his eyes, laughing “boring”

“musicals are not boring”

“no” Ralph stated, laughing “ _you_ are”

Jens sighed, while sipping his coffee, he had to finish his psychology essay due the next day, and Robbe’s help would have been really precious.

He knew it. He knew that his father would have never been reliable enough to trust him, to give him the simple task of picking up his own damn son to school.

He didn’t even notice how few his dad was doing for them until they lost their mom. He had always had a hot plate on the table, clean clothes, and a tidy house, thinking it was a sort of magic spell. He realized only then how few he had appreciated her, for all the things she did for them, and now _he_ had to do all of that.

The door opened and his dad appeared, tired and still with the sweatshirt he had that morning.

“Oh hi,” the man greeted him “still studying?”

“yep”

“You remind me at your age,” his father said “I used to study all day”

“yeah” Jens agreed “but I think you didn’t have to pick up your little brother at school because your father forgot to”

“Fuck” the man sighed, covering his face with his palm “I’m sorry, Jens, really sorry. They called me from the hospital, a patient had a heart attack, I had to go”

“you could have told me” Jens insisted “you left him on the street”

“it was an emergency call, Jens” the man repeated “I’m a doctor, I don’t control when I have to work”

“mum was a doctor, too” Jens stated “but she has never forgotten to take me or Anton at school”

The man closed his eyes, sighing.

“he is twelve” he pointed out “he could have taken a bus”

“The school doesn’t let students go away without parents” Jens reminded him “you signed that damn advice!”

“don’t talk to me like that. I’m still your father”

Jens swallowed, raising his eyebrow “I’m surprised you still remember that”

He went to his room, slamming the door behind him.

“so, you think I should follow him?”

“yeah!” Ralph exclaimed, energetically nodding “yeah, you stubborn boy, I think you should follow that hot Belgian guy you’ve been talking about for the last hours!”

“what if he thought I’m a psychopath?”

“Lucas” Ralph sighed cupping his face, exasperated “I’m saying it for the last time, okay? This Jens came from Belgium to a party in the Netherlands and instead of smoking and making up with someone, he has spent the night with an annoying Dutch little shit. He deserves that _follow”_

“okay” Lucas admitted “but I’m just following him, I’m not texting him”

“of course not” Ralph agreed “do your move and wait, but please do your move because I’m going insane”

Jens left his father alone in the living room, going upstairs, where his room was. He closed the door behind him and leaned over it, tilting his head back and closing his eyes slowly. He knew he shouldn’t think something like that, but at that moment, he thought that if only one of his parents had to be alive, he wished it was his mother.

He sighed, slowly smashing his head on the door, feeling like shit for what he thought.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it, sure it was probably Robbe asking him something for the psychology essay.

**Vanderheijden.lucas followed you.**

“fuck” he muttered, quietly laughing.

After a few seconds of shock, he took he followed him back and opened his DM.

Lucas’ phone ringed and the screen lightened for a second. Lucas stood up, putting his hands in his hair.

“I can’t look”

“calm down, okay?” Ralph said, “can I look?”

Lucas nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

5 chapter

Through all of my lives _  
_I'd never thought I'd wait so long for you _  
_The timing is right __  
The stars are aligned

_Past Lives-Børns_

When Lucas woke up, at six o’clock like always, the first thing he did was checking his phone. He fell asleep while he was still texting to Jens, with his phone in his hand and the light still on.

_J: You know what? Breakfast Club was pretty good…_

_L: glad you liked it_

_J: I may have, or may haven’t, even cried at the end._

_L: There are two types in the world, those who cried during The Breakfast Club, and the liars._

_J: which one are you?_

_L: Who knows? Maybe I’m both._

_J: How did you find me, by the way?_

_L: Someone talked to me about a talented group of YouTubers._

_J: That’s exactly what I feared... I’m intelligent, I swear._

_L: Of course you are. You wrote a rap song with_ Sinterklaas _in it._

Lucas’ gaze fell on the time in his phone’s display, and his heart lost a beat:

7 o’clock.

He had to pick his bus in thirty minutes.

“fuck” he muttered while he ran over his bed towards the bathroom.

He wasn’t that late, but he could have never made it to prepare breakfast for him and his mother. For a moment he thought about not making breakfast, but he remembered what happened last time his mother cooked during an episode, he didn’t want to repeat the experience.

Maybe entering late wasn’t necessarily that bad.

Jens was waling in the schoolyard with his phone in his hand, smiling at the screen like an idiot. He couldn’t believe that Lucas had _really_ found him, and he didn’t care about what he said: Lucas hasn’t found him for chance, he found him on purpose. He had been searching for him since the day they met, exactly as he did.

“what’s so funny?” Robbe asked when Jens reached him.

Jens didn’t say anything, he simply gave him his phone with a satisfied grin.

Robbe widened his eyes, immediately glancing at Jens who was grinning with his hands inside the pocket of his sweatshirt.

“it’s him?” Robbe asked, pointing at the screen, and Jens nodded, shrugging.

“he found you”

“he did” Jens agreed, nodding and biting his lips, unable to hide the contentment.

“who did what?” Moyo interrupted them.

He and Aaron sat near Robbe, Jens still standing up in front of them, towering on them with his height.

Robbe fell silent, clenching his jaw, all that situation, all of them reunited in the hall, him and Robbe knowing something that the other two didn’t know yet, it was all too familiar to Robbe, a memory that still hurt him, Jens was sure.

Jens swallowed, glancing at his best friend who looked away “a boy I met at the party Saturday” Jens declared sharply, looking at Moyo.

Moyo frowned,  looking at him with a confused look “I  haven’t seen you with anyone at the party”

“yeah because we weren’t there” Jens explained “we wanted privacy”

Moyo tilted his head to the side, in an admired expression, then he offered Jens a fist bump.

“so...” Aaron asked, confused “you are like… bi?”

“I don’t know, actually. Maybe...” he admitted, casual “is that a problem for you?”

Aaron shook his head and they all looked at Moyo.

“what?” the boy exclaimed, widening his arms and shrugging “of course it’s not”

“so you don’t think it’s gross, anymore…” Jens provoked him, checking on Robbe with the corner of his eye.

“seriously? That story? Again? I apologized to him...” he pointed out, gesturing at Robbe “and Sander is one of my best buddies” 

“and also are you” Moyo added, towards Jens.

“so what are you going to do?” Robbe asked, clearing his throat “are you inviting him here?”

“Maybe it’s too soon” Jens considered, sighing “I don’t want to seem desperate”

“Sander kissed me literally the first time we went out together”

“see?” Moyo suggested, “and now Robbe worships him!”

“hey!”

“Seriously, bro, look me in the eyes and tell me it isn’t true”

Robbe showed him his middle finger, smiling.

“hey, Luc” Kes greeted him, waving his hand. He was with Isa and Jayden, eating chips sat on the stairs.

Lucas joined  them, sitting next to Kes who gave him a shove on his shoulder .

Only a few days before that touch would have made his blood rush through his veins, heating his skin, while at that moment, all of his attention was on his phone in his pocket.

“I thought you wouldn’t come” Kes admitted.

“I woke up late” he admitted “didn’t sleep”

“your mother?”

Lucas shook his head “no I…”

_Talked_ _to_ _a guy till midnight and then I couldn’t sleep._

“ _I-I_ just binged a TV-show” he rapidly declared.

“Which one?” Isa asked, it was pretty common seeing her near Kes, lately, even more than when they were together. 

Lucas didn’t mind, actually, Isa has stopped being just Kes’ girlfriend a long time ago, and she became one of his favorite people  in the world .  But, honestly, who could have not liked her?

“ehm… _Elite_ ” he casually dropped. It was a show he really saw, so he could have answered at the eventual questions.

“bleah” Kes reacted, pretending to vomit.

“it’s not that bad,” Isa said, loudly biting one chip.

“I’m not surprised you like that trash show” Kes considered, looking at her, stealing a chip from the bag “but _you_...” he whispered to Lucas, slowly shaking his head, disappointment all over his face.

“I like trash” Lucas admitted, shrugging casually and smiling “take a look at my friends”

Isa and Jayden threw chips and candies at Lucas, who protected himself with his backpack, laughing.

With the corner of his eye, he gazed at Kes and felt a void to the stomach, noticing that the boy was looking at him with a curious grin on his face. 

“what’s wrong?” he asked, smiling.

Kes shrugged,  without stopping watching him  with that look . 

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head “you may have not slept too much, but you seemed relieved. Did you do something new?”

“nothing” Lucas answered, shrugging.

“you should do that _nothing_ more often, then”

Lucas came home right after school, ditching an afternoon at the skate park with the boys. He couldn’t pick the phone while he was with them, and he couldn’t resist another hour without hearing something from Jens.

He was surprised by how easy talking to him was, the conversation flowed comfortably, like when they were in that cupboard together.

Lucas didn’t even know that he could feel that light, he was used to living a complicated life, with a complicated family and complicated dynamics between his friends, but Jens… he made things seem easy.

W hen  Lucas came home, he leaned on his bed, closing his eyes,  unable to remember the last time he had a good night’s sleep .  But whenever he closed his eyes, he saw flashes of the texts he and Jens had been exchanging for the past few hours; and he remembered that he still hasn’t watched his videos on YouTube, yet. 

H e searched for hi m in his chronology, opening the  first video . 

He heavy swallowed  when he saw  Jens lifting his friend and touching h im on the shoulders. 

_He has a boyfriend, a handsome boyfriend._

He kept repeating himself, even though he didn’t like the way that guy looked at him, he knew that look.

Lucas s miled most of the time, anyway, noticing with amusement how much Jens and his friends resembled him and his. 

“fuck” he whispered quietly, chuckling towards the ceiling, his eyes covered by his hand “he is an idiot” 

L ike Jens himself heard him, he received a video call  from him.

His heart pounded in his chest, while he panicked, he immediately lifted his back, sitting cross-legged in his bed. He took one deep breath and picked the call, after checking his hair in the mirror beside the bed.

He saw a pixelled image of Jens through his laptop, that slowly became more defined.

“Hi” he greeted him, hoping that his voice wouldn’t crack.

“hi” Jens greeted him back, smiling, Lucas couldn’t be sure, but he had the suspicion that his cheeks were a little red “it’s good to see you”

_What?_

“… for a moment I thought that you were a catfish” Jens added, chuckling. 

“it’s me in flesh” Lucas replied, all the security he has always had been blown away. 

H e has never understood why his friends were afraid of talking with girls, sometimes, but at that moment, talking with Jens felt like one of the boldest things he has ever done in his life. 

“I’m disturbing?” Jens asked.

“no, no, at all” Lucas reassured him “I was just…”

_Stalking you through your YouTube channel..._

“… chilling in my room…” he admitted at the end.

Jens smiled and he smiled back, now was his turn to feel his cheek burn.

“is that a Twenty-One Pilot poster that I’m seeing behind you?” Jens asked, frowning and pointing over Lucas' head.

Lucas looked back as if that was the first time he was seeing his favorite poster:  six decorated sphere on a black background,  the cover of  _Blurryace_ .

“yeah” he admitted “it’s there since I don’t even remember when”

Jens smiled, quickly licking his lips.

“wait a minute,” he said, and for a moment Lucas saw only black, and then a gray comforter, then Jens took his phone again and Lucas saw one of his room walls.

“I cannot believe it!” Lucas exclaimed while he was watching a black crow flying in a neon yellow sky, the cover of _Trench._

“yeah” Jens admitted, shrugging “favorite album right now”

“Uhm…” Lucas pondered “it’s not that bad… but it reminds me of hurtful memories” Lucas admitted, chuckling.

“why?”

“I used to listen to that album while I was on the skateboard but one day I fell and broke my wrist”

“you like skateboarding?” Jens asked him.

The other nodded “among other things, but yeah, I like it a lot”

“you should see where I go skating with my friends, it’s perfect” he casually dropped.

“Yeah, sometimes…” Lucas admitted, not taking that invite too seriously.

“this weekend maybe? Saturday?”

Lucas’ heart stopped for a moment, he wasn’t expecting anything like that, not that soon at least.

“are you there?” Jens said, frowning.

Lucas swallowed, his back tightening “yeah, yeah… I’m… I’m here…” he said, blinking his eyes.

“so…?” Jens asked, swallowing.

“Saturday it’s tomorrow” Lucas pointed out.

Jens shrugged “I know”

Lucas gasped, surprised, his brain was refusing to work, his synapses were in a short circuit at that moment.

“it’s just a proposal, don’t feel like coming if you don’t want to” Jens assured him “take it easy”

“no, I…” Lucas tried, struggling to form a complete sentence without trapping in his own words. He took a breath and shook his head “I’m in”

_ J:  Hey can I call you? _

_Have to tell you something_

_R: Of course, but there’s Sander._

_It’s okay?_

_J: Sure_

_But get dressed, before picking up_

_R: Can’t promise you anything_

Robbe call him first, he replied and the two boys appeared on the screen, near, with Sanders’ room as a background.

“you look like an old married couple calling their son on Skype” Jens admitted, laughing. 

They both laughed.

“what happened?” Robbe asked, worried “is everything okay?”

“yes, but… I have something to tell you and maybe two points of view are better than one”

“We are all ears” his best friend declared.

“Okay…” Jens started, taking a breath “I’ve asked Lucas to come to Antwerp, tomorrow”

“what!” Robbe yelled.

“Great!” Sander exclaimed, clapping his hands.

“Okay, I don’t know what to think, now…” Jens admitted.

Robbe sighed “Jens, honestly, I think you’re too rushed, you started talking only yesterday… you barely know him”

“it’s just a date…” Sander argued to his boyfriend.

“I wanted to take it slow, too” Jens admitted “but then I called him and he was there... looking _so_ good… and we have a poster of the same band in our bedrooms… and he said that he likes to go skating… I took it as a sign”

“it’s just a coincidence” Robbe replied.

“no, baby, that’s a sign” Sander pointed out, nodding seriously.

Robbe scoffed shaking his head “you’re crazy, both of you…”

“what are you gonna do tomorrow?” Sander asked.

“I don’t know, yet…” Jens admitted.

“buying a house, at this rate” Robbe joked.

Jens sighed, covering his face with his hands.

“I don’t know what to do…” Jens whined “I mean… it’s a date? Should I kiss him? Or maybe I am being too reckless?”

“Listen, Jens…” Sander started “Do what you feel right… I didn’t know I was going to kiss Robbe, that evening, I lived the moment and read his reactions, do the same with Lucas… pay attention at his signals, his behavior... and then decide”

Robbe turned to his boyfriend, with an admired smile on its face.

“you’re so wise” he admitted, smiling.

Sander scoffed, rolling his eyes “I am the brain and you’re the body” he stated.

“okay” Jens admitted, feeling like the third wheel, “I think I’m leaving you staring at each other”

They laughed.

“good luck!” was the last thing he heard before closing the call.

Lucas stayed in his room for the rest of the afternoon, trying to study without success, nervously walking around his room, listening to his favorite music to calm down.

He almost hoped he couldn’t find a train for Antwerp but not only there were, but they were also on discount and at perfect times for him.

The entire universe was pushing him to go, but a low voice in his gut kept telling him to stay in his room, to not go, to keep living his boring, quiet, complicated life.

Once or twice he was tempted by calling Jens and telling him that he couldn’t come,

“If you dump him I swear I’m gonna choke you with my bare hands,” Ralph said to him at the phone.

“Lucas!” his mother yelled, “come here, please!”

Lucas opened the door of his room, and a sweet flavor hit his nose. He walked towards the kitchen, founding his mother with an apron on, surrounded by pots and pans.

“what are you doing?” he asked, leaned on the kitchen door, looking at her with a suspicious look.

She smiled at him, her hair was clean and she even had makeup on. In the worst times, he almost forgot how young was his mother, or how good she was in the kitchen.

“french toast,” she said, flipping a toast in the pan “you used to love breakfast for dinner”

“I still do” he admitted, “how are you feeling?”

“much better, today,” she said, quickly mixing eggs in a bowl “so I thought it would be cool to cook you something”

“great idea” he agreed, smiling.

They ate sitting on the floor, in the living room, watching the news, and commenting on them.

“I was thinking to go out of town, tomorrow” Lucas proposed, “Kes asked me to go with him to his grandmother house”

“Okay,” the woman said, drinking a cup of milk.

“is it a problem for you?”

“no, of course not” she replied “go with your friends, have fun”

“it would be only for one day, I will be back in the evening…” Lucas assured her.

“okay” she replied again, pouring the water in his glass. 

“Are you sure?”

“Lucas,” she said, taking the boy chin in his fingers “you spend too much time in this old house with your old mother. I’m feeling better, you should go”

Lucas looked at his empty plates, smiling.

“you know what?” his mother exclaimed “I’m taking another toast”

“you only live once” Lucas stated, laughing.

The only thing  that prevented Lucas to go insane during his trip to Antwerp was reading about Antwerp on  _Wikipedia_ . Thank God reading on the train didn’t make him sick, otherwise, he would have thought about the fact that he was going on a date with a boy.

He already had dates with someone, but they were all...girls. Nice and beautiful girls he wasn’t attracted to, he was chill with them, not afraid of saying the wrong thing, not afraid to get hurt.

But at that moment, it all seemed so… unreal. Like it wasn’t his life, he was just a spectator seeing a double of Lucas Van Der Heijden having the courage to go meeting a boy, even though he couldn’t already admit it in front of the mirror.

“Next stop Antwerp” a mechanic voice muttered “next stop Antwerp”

When the train stopped he stood up and saw Jens with the corner of his eye, outside the train, who still hasn’t seen him, though, so he took advantage of that to give a close look at him.

He was standing near the platform, with his hands in the pockets of his purple sweatshirt. H e was  swinging o n his feet back and forward, and Lucas smiled at the image:  Jens was nervous just like him,  tensely swallowing and compulsively looking at his phone and the screen near the platform. And at that moment,  he felt no fear. 

Jens swallowed, playing with a coin he was keeping in the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He arrived at the station half of an hour before the time Lucas told him, he was so nervous that he couldn’t handle being in his home alone another second. Anton and his father were at the zoo, and he really thought it was better for him not to have anyone around, but then his stomach started twitching and his heart pounding.

The train has arrived almost two minutes  before and he still couldn’t see Lucas anywhere. Maybe he didn’t come at all, in the end. 

“hi,” he heard at his left.

_Fuck._

He was even better than he remembered. He was wearing a gray sweater that was bringing out his eye in a hypnotic way. Jens couldn’t help but smile, breathing out. 

“Hi” he greeted him, “I thought they stopped you at the frontier”

“I fell asleep” Lucas justified himself, shrugging.

Jens bit the inter n of his cheek, looking at Lucas. The fact that he was pretty sure Lucas liked him was only making even harder to not simply lean in and kiss him  there : his lips were  _burning._ But he didn’t want to scare him,  and most of all he wanted to taste the moment, not rushing  anything . 

They both looked at each other, smiling in silence, while a crowd of people was walking around them.

“do you…” Jens proposed “do you want a coffee?”

“yes, please” Lucas replied, chuckling.

Jens brought him to a little cafe in the center of Antwerp, they both took a coffee, even though Lucas was already too nervous and over-excited, he didn’t need caffeine. But it was so good, stay in that little place with Jens, with low lights, just drinking something warm and talking.

“Is this the first time you came to Antwerp?”

Lucas nodded “yeah and it’s  _amazing”_

“really?”

Lucas nodded again “it’s pretty modern. I like it. Even though I only saw this cafe”

“The afternoon is young” Jens pointed out “come with me”

Lucas followed him and he almost had a heart attack when Jens distractedly took his wrist to keep him close.

“where are we going?” he asked, following him in what it seemed an abandoned park.

“you’ll see” Jens simply stated.

“you know that many people know where I am, right?” the dutch boy specified “they’re gonna looking for me if you kill me”

Jens turn back and put his hand on his heart “I swear you’re gonna go back home safe and sound, tonight”

“I hope so” Lucas mocked him.

“voilà” Jens exclaimed when they turned the corner.

Lucas looked in front of him, laughing.

“a construction site?” he asked.

“an _abandoned_ construction site” Jens specified “the boys and I come here every now and then to skate in peace”

“it’s a pity I didn’t bring the skateboard” Lucas muttered, and he really meant it. Skateboarding was a common ground for them, something they shared, something that they both liked, it would have been cool doing it together. 

“yeah, a real pity...” Jens repeated, smirking.

“you bring them, right?” Lucas asked.

“of course I did” the other stated, laughing.

He would have never said that out loud, but Jens was quite good with the skateboard, even better than he was, but Lucas wouldn’t admit that even under torture.

Lucas used one of the Jens’ old skat eboard ;  i t brought all another atmosphere between them, playing around with their  skateboards , mocking each other. 

“so?” Jens asked once they were sat on the ground, smoking “how did I do?”

They both sat on the floor, with their back on the wall of a small tunnel in which they were hiding, their shoulders almost touching. Lucas wasn’t even nervous, anymore, he was simply longing for any touch by the other boy, casually rubbing their arms, or quickly touching his fingers while taking the cigarette from his hand.

Lucas shrugged, casually “decent”

“ _decent_?” Jens repeated, looking at him in the eyes, brown iris in his “you’re lying”

“you weren’t able to do half of the things I did” Lucas pointed out, breathing out the smoke in Jens’ direction.

“oh fuck you” the Belgian reacted, laughing at taking the joint from Lucas' hands.

“We can make another bet if you want” Lucas suggested.

“I don’t think so”

“because you’re afraid”

“no” Jens replied, coming closer to Lucas who held his breath, glancing at his lips so close to him as they’ve never been “because I haven’t already taken the prize for my last bet”

Lucas swallowed “yeah, the sandwich...”

“exactly” Jens’ voice was low and tempting.

“well, I’m a man of honor, so…” Lucas admitted, trying to seem as chill as he could with his face so close “choose your prize”

“I think I already know what I want” Jens whispered, leaning in, making their forehead touch, without moving forward.

Lucas was impatient, he just wanted to grab him by his nape and end that torture, but it was Jens’ turn, he was leading the game at that moment.

Finally, the boy put his hand on his cheek, a hand big enough to completely surround his cheek, his thump near his ear, his little finger on his jaw, slightly touching his neck.

Lucas swallowed, out of breath.

Jens leaned in, even more, their noses touching, they both could already feel the warmth of their lips,  Lucas could smell the sweet scent of weed and toothpaste, he dared to close his eyes, breathing in that s cent . 

Jens swallowed, quickly licking his lips “c-can I…?”

“ _Yesplease_ ” Lucas answered eagerly.

He smiled and leaned in, finally meeting Lucas’ lips.

Lucas panted on his mouth, making Jens smiling, while keep kissing him. Lucas felt the softness of Jens’ hair beneath his fingers without even knowing he had moved them, at all.

They stopped for a second, remaining close to each other face, but Lucas didn’t feel like leaving the boy's lips already, so he pulled him close, restarting the kiss where they left it. Jens pulled Lucas even closer, and Lucas grabbed his shirt with his fist, keeping him close.

It was so different from the other kisses he had: the only things he felt while he was kissing those girls were their sloppy lips and their teeth on his tongue. But while Jens was kissing him like that, all his body was involved, he felt his hands and  fee t tingle, his skin crawl, his cheeks  getting warmer, his ears ringing, his head spinning. 

They parted again, quietly laughing at each other.

Lucas slightly blushed while he hid hi s forehead in Jens’ shoulder, who kept laughing, leaving light kisses  on his  ear . 

“was this decent, too?” Jens whispered, softly biting Lucas’ ear.

Lucas smiled against shoulder “there must have been something you’re good at”

The road to the station took a lot of time. Especially with Lucas looking at him with that smirk and Jens having to stop every time to kiss that smirk.

“I can’t lose the train” Lucas muttered on his lips.

“Stop teasing me, then” Jens proposed, lifting his hands.

The shorter boy looked at him with his bright blue eyes and pulled him in another kiss, in which Jens was hoping for.

They had to hide in an alley to kiss, halfway to the station. Lucas’ back was against a brick wall while Jens was kissing him deeply, struggling with the will to take things slowly and the feeling his skin and in his trousers.

He promised himself to not kiss him that day, on their first date. It was the first time he was dating a boy, he wanted to not rush things and enjoy the moment. But  then he had Lucas under his eyes, looking so good with his hair messy, smoking his  cigarette , smelling  _so good_ that he couldn’t really resist. It was either kiss him or dying. 

He didn’t even consider how much Lucas wanted him, also. And feeling so wanted, so needed, was...addicting. He couldn’t stop himself.

And neither Lucas could since the boy was pulling him closer, in the alley where they were hiding, he was licking Jens’ lips with his little soft tongue, and at that moment he even got so close that their crotch rubbed, making Jens gasp more loudly than he wanted. They both stopped kissing, laughing.

“sorry” Jens muttered, his voice weak and his head light. He didn’t want to seem _that_ eager, even though he felt like a twelve years old kid handling his first kisses.

Lucas laughed, slowly shaking his little beautiful head, giving him another quick kiss.

“let’s go”

Their stomachs twisted at the touch of their hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you like it :)


	6. Chapter 6

6 chapter

_Sweet disposition  
Never too soon  
Oh, reckless abandon  
Like no one's watching you _

_Sweet Disposition-The Temper Trap_

When Lucas closed his room door behind him, he was smiling with his eyes closed, abandoning his head back so heavily that he hit the wooden door, hurting him, though he didn’t care.

He was so happy that he wouldn’t have felt pain even if his house would have crumbled upon him. If God himself would have sent a thunder on him he wouldn’t have even cared, happy as he was.

He took off his beanie, _Jens_ ’ beanie, actually, and he lightly touched it, rubbing his index through the yellow fabric, biting his lips.

“ _I brought you your beanie back” Lucas awkwardly said while they were waiting for the train._

_Jens smiled, looking at the beanie and then at him, he frowned a little bit “You’ll be cold. Maybe you can give it back the next time we see each other” he proposed with an amused smile._

“ _is that an invitation?”_

“ _no, it’s blackmail...” Jens pointed out “bring it back to me i_ _n_ _a week or I’m personally coming to Utrecht to take it”_

_Lucas smiled, grabbing the lapel of his jacket “I need to see my agenda”_

“ _you’d better do” Jens admitted “because I’m not over with you”_

Lucas' phone ringed in his pocket and he took it, smiling at Jens' name.

_**J: You know... I thought about it, and I think I really need my hat back. Got something to do tomorrow?** _

Lucas’ smile grew even wider in the darkness of his room.

Jens didn’t want to seem  _that_ thirsty, but he couldn’t think about wasting a Sunday, a day off school, not visiting Lucas, and having to wait for  _at least_ a week to see him  again . Kissing him all the afternoon wasn’t enough for him. 

Actually, saying that he was taking a train to Utrecht, ditching his friends, just to _kiss_ Lucas wasn’t the truth: he missed the way he could make him smile, mocking him with his smirks, raising his eyebrows when he didn’t agree with him.

He knew he couldn’t ask him to go to Antwerp again, so he invited himself to Utrecht.

The train stopped while Jens was already upright, keeping himself steady grabbing the seat. He could already see Lucas, sat on a bench, staring around, searching for him, and he took his time to taste that image: his lean neck, heading out from the jacket, his soft curls, his little nose.

Unfortunately, Lucas saw him through the window. He looked surprised, at first, but then his lips curved in a shy smile, he bit his bottom lip and waved at Jens, who waved back.

At that moment,  Jens asked himself how he should  have  greet ed him, once off the train.  A kiss? A handshake?

I n Antwerp, Lucas didn’t have any problems in kissing in plain sight, but now they were in  _his_ city, where anyone could recognize him, it couldn’t be the same, and Jens still remembered his reaction when one of his friends caught them talking at the party.

“hi,” Lucas said, once they were facing each other.

“hi,” Jens muttered, forgetting how to properly exist now that he had him there. 

Lucas smiled, suspiciously looking around them.

“you don’t have to anything you don’t feel like doing” Jens reassured him, and he felt Lucas breathing out, closing his eyes.

“sorry… it’s that…”

“it’s okay, really” Jens repeated. And they just stayed there, staring into each other eyes, biting their lips to not laugh.

A distant thunder woke them up, while a little drizzle started falling from the sky.

“amazing” Jens muttered, scoffing. 

“I cannot believe it” Lucas sighed, looking at the gray sky upon them.

“do you have any ideas?” Jens asked him, putting his hoodie.

Lucas scratched his head, pensive, fixing into the dirty floor of the station. Then he looked at Jens, with a smirk on his face.

“I’m bringing to the most incredible place in all Utrecht”

“why isn’t your mother at home?” Jens asked while Lucas was turning the key in the lock.

“no, she is” Lucas replied, “but she wanted to meet you, so...”

Lucas turned back to Jens, who was paling under his eyes and he couldn’t hold a laugh.

“it’s not funny” Jens breathed out putting his hand on his chest, closing his eyes “fuck, I almost had a heart attack”

“you have no idea how funny it was,” Lucas said smirking and opening the door.

Jens looked around, and Lucas felt a little embarrassed for how much little his house was. He knew Jens’ father was a doctor, so he guessed his house should have been much bigger than his.

“do you want something to drink?” Lucas proposed, trying to be a good host, realizing how few his parents taught him about manners. 

“Yeah, actually” Jens accepted.

“We haven’t so much in the fridge” Lucas began, “I think only orangej…”

He was still talking while he felt Jens’ lips on his, he took him by surprise and L ucas stiffened, his hands still up like he was asking for mercy. After the first seconds of surprise, he put his hands on Jens' shoulders, slowly slipping them on his neck, and through his dark hair,  relishing in that kiss he thought a lot about .

“hi...” Jens greeted him, so different from the station. 

“hi...” Lucas greeted him back, standing on his toes, and rubbing their noses.

“I wanted to do this since I saw you before” Jens whispered.

“me too” Lucas admitted “you’re only more _audacious”_

Jens laughed on his lips, a second before kissing him again.

“where’s your mother, then?” Jens asked while looking around, lightly touching his furniture.

“she usually spends the Sunday at the church” Lucas admitted “helping the priest, doing charity, things like that”

“oh” Jens whispered “is she particularly religious?”

“yeah,” the other agreed, raising his eyebrows. He still remembered the nights when his mother was praying out loud, with neighbors calling for making her stop.

“so she doesn’t know that you’re dating a…”

“Belgian?” Lucas teased him with a smirk.

They smiled at each other, dropping the topic.

“come” Lucas proposed, with a gesture of his head “I’ll show you my room”

Lucas' room was very little, or maybe it was big but simply filled with stuff. Every single centimeter of the walls was covered with posters, movie poster mainly, but Jens could also recognize some of the band Sander listened to, and Jens wished he would have listened to him more when he was talking about that, so he could have said something clever to impress the boy in front of him.

Jens noticed all that details only after almost an hour since he had entered in that room: Lucas took his face in his hands and kissed him deeply the first moment he entered, and then he was just busy tasting him to check out on anything that wasn’t his lips, or his eyes, or his breaths, or his laughs, or his teeth mildly sinking in his fleshy lips, making him groan.

After an hour, they were all flushed, their lips swollen by the kisses, so they silently agreed on taking a break: Jens was laying on the bed, with his head on the pillow, while Lucas was resting with his head on his chest, his body perpendicular to his.

“you like movies a lot” Jens stated, looking at the ceiling.

“yep,” Lucas admitted, glancing around “I put my favorite on the ceiling so I can see them when I’m laying like this” he concluded, pointing at the posters.

Jens looked at him, smiling “nerd”

“I prefer to refer myself as _devotee_ ”

Jens laughed again, putting his fingers through Lucas' hair, gently caressing his head full of curls.

“you saw all of them?” he asked.

“even more” the other admitted “these are only my favorite”

“When I was little” Lucas began “my parents used to leave me alone at home. I didn’t have so much to do, I was even a little scared of all that silence, so I usually switch on the TV to not feel completely alone. And I started watching movies. They were my company”

He glanced at Jens, who was still looking at him, paying attention while keeping caressing his head, so he continued.

“It wasn’t really a passion, I simply used to watch a lot of movies without really knowing anything about cinema. But then I saw a particular movie: _Hugo Cabret,_ have you seen it?”

Jens shook his head, his eyes fixed on the boy. 

“I saw that movie very casually, maybe there wasn’t anything else on TV so I saw it. And I understood how… _incredible_ the cinema was. I started reading about movies, directors, arts, and then music and books, and my life became a little less lonely, a lot less lonely, actually”

Jens was still looking at him, with a glance he couldn’t read.

“Sorry, too sentimental” Lucas admitted, quickly shaking his head. Maybe he let himself go too much, too soon.

“no, no, at all” Jens immediately said “I like hearing you talk”

Lucas frowned “weird tastes”

“you know” Jens considered “sometimes you remind me of Robbe’s boyfriend. He’s also into art, and things like that”

“the one with bleached hair?”

“yeah”

“cute couple” Lucas admitted.

“not when they make out in front of you _a_ _ll the damned time_ _”_

Lucas laughed.

“was it strange when Robbe came out?”

Jens slightly smiled “it has been hard for him, but I’ve never had a problem with that, as you may guess. I just...would like he had told even before, so he wouldn’t have to  feel that bad for so long”

“feel bad?” the boy asked.

“he had a lot of stress for liking a boy and he kept everything inside until he was almost going insane, but everything started getting better once he openly talked about it. One of my friends always says that people need people. I guess it has to be true” Jens concluded, shrugging.

“yeah,” Lucas whispered “people need people, but...” he continued, swallowing, “have you ever had the desire to disappear?”

“like… invisibility?”

“no” Lucas explained, chuckling “more like isolating, leaving everyone and everything and live as you want…”

Jens seemed to think about it.

“yes, actually” he admitted, then “sometimes, when I’m alone in my room, I close my eyes and I imagine that I’m alone, all alone, with no one needing me, or expecting something from me. It’s quite liberating” 

“would you hide also from me?” Lucas asked, lifting his head and looking at him.

“no” Jens scoffed “I would take you with me, I think I would like to share my imaginary blank space with you”

Lucas smiled at him,  coming closer and kissing him, still smiling. 

“you know” he started “this may be one of the most romantic things someone ever told me”

Jens smiled on Lucas’ lips, leaning for a soft kiss, ready to resume from where they stopped half an hour before.

The sound of the front door made them both jump, looking at each other with terror.

“Lucas?” they heard the voice of Lucas’ mother.

“fuck” Lucas muttered.

They immediately stood up, while they heard a knock at the door.

“Luc?” she asked, “are you there?”

“what do we do?” Jens asked.

Lucas shoved him against the wall, next to the door, and covered his mouth with his hand.

“I’m opening the door, please don’t make any noise, okay?”

Jens nodded, quite thrilled by Lucas’ hand on his mouth.

Lucas opened the door and Jens could only see the white door in front of him, which prevented him to see Lucas’ mother, who  he was curious to see. He wasn’t ready to meet her like Lucas’ date, obviously, but he wanted to see her, know how she was if they looked alike.  He was eager to know anything about that guy. 

“I thought you were with Kes’”

Her voice was young and soft,  and he guessed she must have been around forty years old. 

“yeah, but then it started raining, so I went home”

“are you okay?” she asked, “you seem a little flushed…”

“I’m okay, really” he rashly answered “I just need rest... I think”

“Okay,” she said, with a suspicious look “see you later”

“’ later” he simply said, before closing the door.

Jens felt Lucas breathing out and he couldn’t help but burst into laughter, covering his hands to not make noise.

Lucas turned to him, shaking his head, smiling, and Jens took him by the sleeve and pulled him close, in a hug.

“We have to make me escape” Jens muttered, chuckling.

“I have a tunnel carved with a spoon behind one of my posters” Lucas revealed, glancing at the wall behind Jens.

The other widened his eyes, surprised and a little shocked  “excuse me?” 

The boy  scoffed “ you know, you shouldn’t believe everything I say ”

Jens drew him closer and bit his ear for revenge, eliciting a little laugh from him and they both remained like that, holding each other for a bit.

Making Jens escape from his house was a challenge. Lucas had to distract his mother in the kitchen, while Jens quickly ran outside,  where  Lucas reached him. 

“I really thought I had to remain here tonight,” Jens told him while they were waiting for the train.

“hiding under my bed?” Lucas proposed, raising an eyebrow.

“like Eleven in _Stranger Things?_ ”

“I would have said more like _E.T_ ” the other pointed out. 

“ehm… _nerd”_ Jens said, pretending to cough. 

The train arrived, perfectly punctual, covering any reply could have made.

They looked at each other, knowing that they wouldn’t have seen each other in at least a week; it was like in those two days they almost had forgotten that they lived in two different countries.

Jens came closer, clenching his jaw, struggling not to kiss Lucas, trying to respect his will, and he saw the same thought in Lucas' mind, he could read it in his blue eyes.

“Luc” he sighed, licking his lips, “I told, there’s no prob...”

Lucas took his face in his hands and drew him closer, kissing him slowly  and deeply, tasting  the sweet flavor of his mouth with his tongue. 

H e wanted to remember everything even after a week apart, it wasn’t time to be shy, so he boldly dared to explore his sharp teeth with his tongue, making Jens gasp.

When Lucas moved away, the other kept his eyes closed for a bit. 

“wow,” Jens whispered, swallowing. 

“call me when you’re home” Lucas whispered on his lips before giving him another quick kiss. Smirking at the sight of Jens unable to open his eyes after the kiss.

He watched Jens leave with the train, while the warmth of Jens’ body was leaving him. He turned back, walking home when he saw a pair of light blue eyes looking at him, shocked.

He widened his eyes with terror “Noah?”

The  boy awkwardly waved at him, with a smile. 

Lucas reached him with a few steps. They weren’t actually friend s ,  Lucas barely know him, he even despised his attitude a little, especially because when he was littler, he couldn’t keep himself from gazing in his direction when he saw him in the school hallway. 

But now h e was Liv’s boyfriend, and so he  had become part of the group, even though they didn’t usually t alk to each other  a lot. 

A nd now he caught him kissing a boy. The  cockiest boy of his group of friends has definitely seen him kissing a boy. 

That was a nightmare.

“listen” Lucas began once he was in front of him “I don’t know what you’ve seen but I can explain…”

“wait, wait, wait, wait” Noah stopped him lifting his hands “you don’t have to explain anything, bro”

“no, I think you have misunderstood…” Lucas fumbled.

“I know what I saw” Noah replied, “but you don’t have to explain...”

“no, listen…”

Noah took him by the shoulders “Lucas, it’s okay. I don’t care”

Lucas swallowed “you don’t care?”

“no” Noah scoffed, shrugging “I mean… it’s not that I don’t _care_ , just… you know...”

“no, I don’t” Lucas replied, frowning. 

Noah sighed “ It’s not a problem,  for me. As I said, you don’t owe me an explanation”

“nobody knows” Lucas confessed. 

“yeah, I figured” the other admitted, chuckling.

Lucas scoffed and looked at the floor.

“do you want a lift? I have the car” Noah proposed, and he accepted.

The warmth of Noah’s car was actually very pleasing, and Lucas reveled in his wet clothes, the rain surprised them when they were on their way to the station, hand in hand.

“thank you for the lift” Lucas admitted, swallowing, determined to ignore the elephant in the room.

“never mind” the other replied, sharp.

“so… why were you at the station?”

“I went to Antwerp...visiting a museum for uni…” Noah replied, looking at him with a smile.

Lucas nodded and the cockpit fell silent again.

“so...” Noah began “is that your boyfriend?”

Lucas stiffened and swallowed.

“man, you can talk to me” the boy reassured him “I won’t say anything, neither to Liv, I swear it on my mortal soul”

Lucas took a deep breath “I don’t know what he is”

Noah frowned.

“it’s only the second time that we… that we see each other” he admitted “and we haven’t talked about it yet”

“and why was he taking the train?”

“he is from Antwerp”

Noah quickly turned to him,  raising an eyebrow, making Lucas feel stupid like never in his life “and he  made all that kilometers just to see you?”

“I also went to Antwerp” Lucas pointed out “yesterday”

“ _yesterday?”_

The boy nodded. 

“you must like each other a lot...” 

Lucas shrugged, realizing that that was one of the first time he was talking about his sentimental life with some of his friends, and the fact that that “friend” was _Noah,_ was utterly unbelievable.

If a month ago someone had told him that he would have found himself talking about _boys_ with that guy, he would have never believed it.

“you know that your friends won’t have a single problem with it, right?” Noah asked.

“I know...I think” Lucas admitted “It’s...complicated”

“you’re not ready to say it out loud, yet”

“yep,” he admitted.

They arrived at Lucas’ house, which Noah already knew for a party he hosted that summer.

“thank you,” he said.

“no problem” the other muttered.

When Lucas was about to close the door, Noah called him.

“Lucas?”

“yeah?”

“he is hot, don’t make him run away, okay?”

Lucas sighed, smiling a bit “good night”


	7. 7 chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically Lucas trying to keep up with Wtfock's plot

7 Chapter

_Remember those walls I built?  
Well, baby, they're tumbling down  
They didn't even put up a fight  
They didn't even make a sound _

_Halo-Beyoncé_

“Cover me, cover me” Aaron quickly muttered, while playing video games.

Jens looked at his phone for the tenth time in five minutes, but  still  nothing from Lucas. He knew he was at a party with his friends, and figured he couldn’t pick the phone without being noticed, but he was still hoping in any signs. 

He invited the boys at his house, to play video games, and if it wasn’t for them, he would have gone insane, waiting for a text. 

“let’s play a game,” Moyo said, taking his beer “let’s drink every time Jens take his phone and check if Lucas texted him”

They all laughed and  Jens showed  them his middle finger. 

“Someone here is jealous he has remained the last single” Robbe teased Moyo. Jens knew that the things between them were good, but he couldn’t help but notice how Robbe didn’t lose a single chance of pointing out to Moyo that _he_ was with someone, while Moyo didn’t: like he needed a little revenge, after all. 

“and being all day checking my phone like the three of you? No thanks” Moyo replied, chuckling, killing one of their enemies in _Call Of Duty_.

“so…” Aaron added, frowning “how is going with _your_ Lucas?” 

Jens smiled shaking his head “he is not _my_ Lucas” he pointed out. 

“sure” Robbe nodded, pretending to agree with him.

“I was thinking about asking him to come here this weekend” Jens admitted.

“Great!” Moyo reacted, killing another soldier “so we can meet him”

“you’re definitely not meeting him, this weekend” Jens pointed out.

A aron stopped playing only to turn to Jens “why? Are you ashamed of us?”

“also” Jens admitted, scoffing “but, mostly, I don’t want to waste an afternoon with him, with _you”_

Moyo launched a grenade in an abandoned building, making the windows break in pieces.

“See?” he said “that’s what you did to our hearts”

“speaking of that” he sighed, standing up “I’m taking another beer”

He went to the kitchen,  taking a cold beer from the fridge.

“whats’up?” a voice asked behind his back. 

H e jumped, putting a hand on his heart. 

“fuck, Robbe you scared me!” he said, laughing.

“a little tensed up…” his best friend pointed out, chuckling “all okay with Lucas?” 

Jens sighed, sitting on the kitchen table.

“Yeah, he is… he is great, really” he admitted, shaking his head.

“But…?” Robbe invited him to continue.

Jens licked his lips, looking at the table “I think I’m not used to, anymore. That’s it”

“used to what?” Robbe demanded, frowning.

“you know...being in a relationship” he began, shrugging “worrying about being hurt, being scared of losing the one you like… He is with his friends right now, just like me, but I can’t stop thinking about him meeting someone else. We’ve never talked about being seriously together, a couple... And now my brain is overworking and it’s going to places I don’t want it to go”

Robbe sat next to him “hey…” he gently whispered to him “calm down, okay? Sometimes… Sometimes you don’t have to openly talk about being together, to be together, I’m sure he knows that. I think that you’re just scared for what happened with Jana, right?”

Jens swallowed “also”

“he is not Jana” Robbe reassured him “and you’re different from the old Jens, don’t let the past ruin your future”

“I know that…” the other replied “but… I used to believe that I would have never hurt Britt, but in the end I hurt her. And I really trusted Jana, when she was at parties with her friends I was chill because I thought that she would have never hurt me. And then she did it. And now I can’t stop thinking that maybe _a_ _nyone_ can hurt someone if had the chance, even Lucas”

“Yeah, we all have the power to hurt someone” Robbe agreed, nodding “but that doesn’t mean that hurting someone is _inevitable._ Being a good person is a fucking struggle, you need to concentrate every day to not be an asshole. But you can’t live thinking that everyone is going to hurt you, it’s not living. So stop overthinking and enjoy what you have, okay?”

“Who could have believed it?” Jens muttered “ _you_ are giving _me_ relationship advice”

R obbe casually shrugged and they both burst into laughter.

The smoke was making barely impossible to see anything, and the music was so loud that Lucas couldn’t hear anything apart from the low beat of the song, that Lucas could hear beating in his chest.

Ralph was throwing a party, even though it was only Wednesday,  and  there weren’t many people he knew, but at least he could be with his friends . 

He hasn’t seen them very often, lately: he kept saying it was because of his mother, but the truth was that he preferred staying at home, talking with Jens via Skype, or just on the phone. He didn’t even want to go at that party,  and  so  giv ing up talking with Jens for all the evening, too scared to take his phone in front of his friends,  but he knew he couldn’t ditch them again so he accepted, and it wasn’t that bad at all. 

He was dancing with Isa, making her turn around, laughing.

At one point, he lost sight of her, glancing around to find her.

“Are you lost?” a voice behind him muttered.

He turned back and a cute girl with red curls took him by the hand, pulling him next to her, she must have been a few years older than him, maybe a university student: she was slowly dancing next to him, her body against his, his hands on his waist.

He quickly put the most distance he could between them, frowning.

The girl awkwardly smiled “sorry. Didn’t want to bother” and came back dancing with her friends.

He breathed out and walked to the sofa, near  Engel, who sat all alone with a glass of a transparent liquid that Lucas presumed was vodka.  O n the same sofa,  Kes and Noah  were discussing something he couldn’t even hear,  with  Jayden pretending to listen to them, moving his eyes from one to the other.

Since Sunday, Noah didn’t even mention their awkward meeting at the train station,  he simply kept behaving like always,  making him even more nervous .  Did he say something to Liv? To Kes? Maybe they were discussing that right now.

“man, are you crazy or what?” Jayden yelled at him, punching him on the shoulder.

“what?” Lucas asked.

“that girl was hot as fuck!” he said, pointing at her, she was dancing with another guy and Lucas took a better look at her: she was amazing, long red curly hair, another splendid girl for whom he couldn’t feel _anything,_ asking himself what could be wrong with him to not make him feel anything next to a creature like that. 

“not really my type” Lucas yelled back, chuckling with the fake confidence he had pull whenever he could, in all those years. 

“not your type?” Kes stepped in “ _sexy_ is not your type?”

“maybe he has taste because he has choice” Noah simply stated, his eyes on his cigarette, neutral, without even yelling, but catching their attention anyway.

At that moment Liv appeared near them, hand in hand with Isa, standing near Noah, putting a hand on his shoulder. Noah took her by her wrist and pulled her near, making her seat on his lap, chuckling. They kissed and Lucas’ gaze flew on Engel, sitting on that same sofa, looking away.

He had been there, too, he knew that feeling, even though he didn’t really know Engel: for many many years, he had looked sideways at the person he liked kissing, hugging, loving someone else, analyzing every looks, feeling guilty because the only way to your happiness is through  the suffering of the  people you love. 

Lucas went outside, he needed fresh air, and most of all he needed to talk with Jens. He couldn’t reply to his texts while he was inside, and he missed seeing his chat, his little profile picture at the top of the screen.

“it’s getting tight in there, isn’t it?”

Lucas turned back to Noah, who was stepping outside, covered in an old coat.

“yeah” Lucas agreed “thank you for before” 

The boy shrugged “sometimes they can be real assholes, I admit it”

“have you heard from your boyfriend?” he added, then.

“he is not my boyfriend” Lucas replied, defensive “I don’t know what he is, actually”

“he takes a train to another country whenever he can, just to see you…” he pointed out “of course he _is_ your boyfriend”

“I do that, too”

“because you are his boyfriend” Noah chuckled and Lucas imitated him.

“I want to ask him if I can go to Antwerp this weekend”

“then do it” Noah encouraged him.

“I don’t know…” Lucas explained, shaking his head “I don’t want to be the one to ask…”

Noah rolled his eyes, shaking his head “Love is not a game for cowards, mate. If you want to really play you have to be bold… So, do you want to see this guy, yes or no?”

“definitely yes” Lucas admitted.

“then call him” Noah concluded “but don’t be like _oh honey, I want to see you this weekend,_ be like _I miss licking your face_ and wait until he proposes something. You have to make him want you”

Lucas laughed, frowning “okay…?”

“Why are you helping me, bu the way?” he asked, then.

“it’s my redemption ark” Noah simply stated, chuckling, going back inside. 

He took his phone and opened Jens' chat.

**J: how’s the party?**

**L: not bad, wish I was somewhere else**

**J: like where?**

**L: I don’t know, where are you?**

**J: if this is a sort of cheap trick to make miss you even more**

**Congratulations**

**You made it**

**L: what can I say…**

**J: what are you doing this weekend? Do you want to come over here?**

Lucas smiled at the screen, looking inside through the window. Noah was on the sofa with Liv, but he was looking at him, glancing at his phone with an interrogative expression. Lucas simply gave him a thumbs up, chuckling.

When he had  arrived at Antwerp station for the first time, only a week before, he was so nervous he didn’t even notice how beautiful it actually was. Jens was late so he took advantage of that to look around, his head towards that beautiful ceiling until he felt  something covering his eyes and warm breath in his ear. 

“either you’re Jens or I’m calling the police” he laughed.

All of a sudden he could see again and when he turned back, Jens was there, smiling, leaning in to kiss him.

Lucas smiled on his lips and  kissed him  in the middle of  Central Station, like in that old photo he liked so much.

“you know,” he said, pinching Jens’ chin “this station is wonderful” 

Jens took a look at the ceiling, nodding “I’ve never really noticed”

“maybe because you come here too often” Lucas considered “we don’t notice things when they are too near”

When Lucas lowered his gaze from the ceiling to Jens, he found  him looking at him  with a smirk . 

“maybe the farthest things are so beautiful because of their distance”

Lucas distractedly licked his lips, giving him another kiss.

“you really cooked all of this by yourself?” Lucas asked while they were eating on the grass, in a park.

“I don’t have a personal cooker, if that’s what you were thinking” Jens said, biting one of the sandwiches he had brought. 

Lucas was half laying on the grass, his stomach full, reveling under the warm Sun.

He opened one eye and caught Jens looking at him with a half-smile.

“whats’ up?” he asked, blinking, his eyes sore by the light of the Sun hitting his light iris.

Jens shrugged, looking at his own hands playing with a blade of grass, and then again at Lucas.

“nothing” he chuckled, shaking his head “you’re beautiful under the Sun”

Lucas laughed and rose, sitting on the towel Jens had brought and leaned in to give him quick noisy kisses, until Jens’ phone ringed, making him curse quietly. 

He puffed “remind me to kill Robbe”

“what does he want?” Lucas asked, laying with his head on Jens’ knee.

Jens bit his lips “don’t take it as an obligation, but… he and the others would like to meet you”

“oh…” he simply reacted, raising his eyebrows and sitting with his legs crossed.

“yeah, but, really, don’t feel like doing it if you don’t want to, I mean, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do”

“they…know?” he asked.

Jens shrugged “is it a problem for you if I have told them about us?”

Lucas swallowed, quickly shaking his head “no, of course not” he reassured him “I like it, actually. I’m just sorry that I haven’t already told my friends about you…”

“as I said, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, either saying to your friends about us or meeting my friends”

“of course I want to meet them” Lucas admitted “call them”

Waiting for Jens’ friends has been a torture, Lucas felt his heart violently pound in his chest and suddenly swallowing had become very hard.

But he was happy to meet them, it was the validation he needed: he still felt like it was all just a dream, a lucid dream from which he would have to wake up soon.

He was texting this guy, going to find him every now and then, kissing him every time he could, but no one really knew about them, his mother didn’t know, his friends didn’t know, girls kept trying to pick him up like always.

Meeting someone that knew they were a thing, brought all another atmosphere.

“calm down, okay?” Jens said, hugging him from behind “they’re cool with all of this”

“I know” Lucas replied, relaxing again his chest “I’m just a little nervous”

Jens leaned in and kissed him, slowly and deeply, his lips steadily caressing his.

“are you trying to distract me?” Lucas muttered on his lips

“am I good at it?”

“what if they caught us kissing?” he asked, leaving Jens’ lips only for the time it took to pronounce the words. 

“oh it would be very inappropriate” Jens muttered, laughing, and Lucas bit him a little bit rougher, making him laugh even harder.

“you could have told us we where unwelcome”

Lucas immediately moved away from Jens, standing up, while the other boy was still sat on the grass, laughing at him.

“hi” he said waving at the four guys in front of him. He already knew each one of them: Robbe, Sander, Aaron and Moyo, he had seen them at the party and on their channel on YouTube. 

S ander was the first to step in.

“Hi” he greeted him, giving him his hand “I don’t know if you remember…”

“Yeah, yeah, of course I do, Sander, right?”

The boy nodded, and he proceed to greet also Robbe.

“Moyo”

“Lucas”

“Aaron”

“Lucas”

Aaron kept staring at him with a curious look, almost in awe, like a dolphin at the aquarium, Lucas glanced at the other boys, awkwardly, so Moyo gave Aaron a shove on the shoulder, while Jens was doing a facepalm.

“I should have warned you about him, sorry” Jens said, scoffing. 

“so what did you do, this morning?” Jens asked while sipping his beer.

They were in a pub near the skate park, and after the first times of awkwardness, Lucas felt exactly like home, like he was with Jayden and Kes saying stupid things and laughing at each other.

“I had breakfast with Noor and Zoe and then…” Robbe began but stopped himself when he saw everyone staring at him with a suspicious look.

“oh come on!” he exclaimed, rolling his eyes “she’s one of my best friends”

“Are you okay with that?” Moyo asked Sander, who nodded shrugging.

“I don’t know how you do that, honestly. I would never date my ex” Aaron casually dropped.

“If you only had one” Robbe casually dropped and everyone at the people started laughing, even Lucas, who didn’t understand the whole situation.

“Noor is the girl with the fringe?” Lucas asked “at the party…”

“exactly” Jens nodded. He had his arm around his chair and their legs were rubbing while they sat. 

“who happens to be his ex” Moyo explained, pointing at Robbe.

“and he left her for me” Sander added. 

“and you left your girlfriend for me” Robbe pointed out.

“you like complicated things in here…” Lucas commented.

“and you still don’t know everything” Moyo warned him “their exes” he said, gesturing at Robbe and Sander “are like best friends forever… I’ve always thought that Noor has a crush on Britt, actually”

“oh, shut up” Sander replied, sharp.

“as I told you,” Jens said to Lucas “a lot of drama here”

“as you were not a big part of it” Moyo casually dropped.

The atmosphere at the table suddenly changed. Everyone was staring at Jens and Lucas, raising their eyebrows, eyes looking around with awkwardness. He felt Jens swallowing and stiffening next to him. Lucas knew that Jens must have had past relationships, but realizing it wasn’t easy as he thought.

“oh” Moyo whispered towards Jens “you didn’t...”

“what?” Lucas asked, frowning.

They all shut up, glancing around with awkwardness.

Jens swallowed.

“I’m a little bit… involved in all of this” he admitted.

“how?”

“ehm… Sander's ex has also been with me, many years ago, and she is a very close friend of my other ex”

“so…” Lucas started frowning “let me understand… The two of you” he tried to recap, pointing at Jens and Sander “shared a girlfriend, who is a close friend of your other ex, right?” he continued towards Jens, who nodded, clenching his jaw. 

“and this girl, who you left for Robbe” he added towards Sander “is also the best friend of Robbe’s ex, and he left her for Sander who is, in conclusion, the ex of your first ex. Did I forget something? _”_

They all nodded, slowly, expecting his reactions.

Lucas chuckled “wow, do you have television here?”

The five boys took a sigh of relief,  laughing:  mostly Jens, who drew  Lucas closer and left a kiss  on his  temple,  in his hair , laughing. 

“actually I left her because I didn’t love her” Robbe pointed out. 

Sander scoffed, teasingly smiling “if it wasn’t for me you would have been married by now”

“are they always like this?” Lucas asked Jens. 

“even worse” Jens admitted sighing.

They all went to take something to drink, while Sander and Lucas remained sat at the table. The boy pulled out of his green bag a pack of pills, that Lucas recognized immediately.

“it’s not drugs, I swear” Sander said, laughing.

“no, I know” he admitted “it’s lithium”

“how do you know?” Sander asked, frowning.

“my mother” Lucas admitted, swallowing “she has a bipolar disorder”

“me too”

“oh” he reacted, blinking, confused by the naturalness of his confession “and… how… how it is for you?”

“it’s hard, but I have a lot of support” Sander told him, moving his head towards the group of boys at his back, his eyes lingering on Robbe.

“can I be sincere with you?” Lucas asked that perfect stranger, who nodded “I have no idea on how to handle it. I know a lot about it, but sometimes I realize I don’t know _how_ to really help her”

Sander shrugged “people need love more than they need help, I think” he admitted “Sometimes there’s not so much you can do, bad times happen, you can’t do anything, but for the rest of the time, you should support her, love her, treat her like a normal person, but never forget that sometimes she can have difficult to behave normally. And sometimes, during the bad days, she can even say something she doesn’t think, even only to push you away. Don’t believe her”

Lucas smiled at him, nodding to thank him.

“thank you… I didn’t want to use you as my personal encyclopedia, but I needed advice”

“don’t worry… I hate when people ask me about my disorder over and over again, treating me like a test case, but with you it’s different… you wanted to support someone”

Lucas smiled, noticing how Sander used the word “support”, instead of “help”.

“what are you talking about?” Jens asked, bringing two glass of beer.

After a rapid glance, Sander quickly answered “I was explaining to Lucas how it is to date a Broerr”

They all walked towards the station, a little bit tipsy, Sander and Jens challenged themselves on a run, while Lucas was walking behind them, with his hands in his pockets.

“I hope we haven’t shocked you” Robbe said, coming closer, with his hands in his pocket. 

Lucas chuckled “of course not. My friends are not so different”

“I guess we are all similar in this world”

“yeah, but we don’t share the girls” Lucas dropped, without wanting it “sorry”

“I knew that it would have bothered you,” Robbe said “it’s comprehensible”

Lucas shrugged.

“Listen, if Jens knows that I told you this he will kill me” Robbe began “but he really likes you, like _a_ _lot_. I’ve never seen him like this”

“really?” Lucas asked, trying not to seem too desperate.

Robbe nodded “he is not the type who talks a lot about what is going on in his mind, but I can read him like an open book, and he is really different with you than with his previous girls”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Robbe shrugged, chuckling “trust me, I know how it sucks to feel that insecure about someone”

The boys left them alone at the station, waiting for the train that was delaying. They were waiting upright, Jens leaned against a wall and Lucas with his back against his chest, Jens’ arms around his neck.

“Jens, speak up” Lucas told him “I can hear your brain working”

The boy took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I haven’t told you about…” he started, without finishing the phrase.

“…your past experiences?” Lucas ended up for him.

Jens nodded against his nape, and Lucas turned around, facing him, face to face.

“We both didn’t” Lucas considered “it’s not a problem, really. It’s not that I hadn’t…guess it”

Jens chuckled.

“I mean” Lucas said, coming really close to Jens’ lips, speaking against them “it’s really unlikely that I’ve been the first person to notice this handsome boy at a party” 

Jens chuckled against his mouth “flatterer”

“so…” Lucas asked, taking Jens' hands in his “what happened between you and… all those girls?”

“they’re not so many” Jens pointed out “they’re just two”

“prude”

“hey!”

“go on” Lucas encouraged him, taking his shirt in his fist “what happened?”

“it’s not that much, but...” the boy began “I… was with my first girlfriend…”

“Sander’s ex or the other?”

“Sander’s ex, Britt” Jens explained “and then I left her for her best friend, who became my second girlfriend”

Lucas swallowed, he didn’t expect _that_. He had guessed that Jens must have had a past, but he wasn’t ready to know that he did such a thing. He already heard that story, and even then he thought it was a low blow: he often asked himself how could Kes have done something like that to his girlfriend, how insensible you must be to hurt someone you loved in that way, betraying her like she meant nothing.

“heartbreaker” he mocked him, looking at his shoes.

Jens took his chin in his finger, forcing him to look at him.

“Hey...” the boy whispered, brushing their noses “I’m not like that anymore, I… know how it feels, now. I know how it is to be betrayed, I would never do that again”

“you can’t say that” Lucas replied “I bet you said that even when you were with your first girl”

“I didn’t know shit, back then” Jens defended himself “have you ever hurt someone and then regret it?”

Lucas nodded, remembering other parts of the same story: how bad was to know that he had hurt Isa, that he had hurt Kes, his best friends in the world, how he hated himself, how he promised to not let that happen again. Maybe Jens had learned from his mistakes, exactly like _he_ did.

He stood up on his toes, kissing the taller boy in front of him, it should have been a soft kiss, gentle and tender, and at first, it was, but then they stopped, looking at each other, eyes in eyes, Lucas’ blue eyes firmly locked in Jens’ dark brown ones, that seemed almost black in the darkness of the hidden corner in which they were.

They both stared at their lips clenching their jaws, as they were trying to hold back, to make that pleasing, painful sensation last a little more.

Jens was the first to surrender: he breathed out, giving up, opening his mouth enough to l iterally eat Lucas’ lips, who slipped his tongue in his mouth,  eliciting a deep moan from Jens. Lucas chuckled a little bit and Jens looked at him with a challenging smile. 

He flipped themselves, making Lucas lean against the cold wall, and took his face in his hands kissing him breathless, tasting his mouth with his tongue, making their teeth clash like in a fight where the winner has the privilege to taste the other. Lucas couldn’t resist but bite Jens bottom lip, so fleshy and inviting, slightly sucking it, and the boy literally melted against him, trying to put a little distance between them but Lucas prevented him to do it, pulling him closer by grabbing him by his hips.

“Lucas if we don’t stop now…” he warned him.

“what?”

Jens leaned down, to kiss Lucas' neck, making him pant with his face towards the night sky “I think you know what…” 

Lucas didn’t even respond, relishing the sensation of Jens’ lips against his carotid. He instead took the boy face and started kissing him again, fast, just tongue and teeth.

“Stay here tonight” Jens said then, starting the phrase when his lips were still in Lucas’ mouth. “we don’t need to do anything, yet…” he added, as he pressed against Lucas’ body, making their waists crush. Lucas gasped again, letting go of a brief moan, loud against Jens' mouth. 

L ucas panted “I don’t think we wouldn’t do anything. I can barely resist  _now”_

“ _don’t…”_ Jens whispered with a hoarse voice “don’t resist, do whatever you want”

He didn’t want to seem so desperate, but he really was. He couldn’t think about anything else but Lucas hands on his chest.

“can I…” Lucas asked while starting his hand towards Jens' waistband, uncertain and shaky.

Jens dared to lean his hand on his and pushed it down on his groin.

“Is this okay?” Jens asked softly but Lucas didn’t respond, he simply took him by the nape with his other hand and kissed him and Jens could only feel the boy’s hand moving on his inseam making him make noises he knew he would have been ashamed of, once they would be separated. Although it seemed that that noises had a good effect on Lucas, who was touching him with more security after every moan, panting with him.

“Luc…” he moaned with a hoarse voice. 

Jens’ sight was becoming blurry and his mind was an indistinct mess of fog, he knew he was very close, so the sound of Lucas ringtone hit him like an icy shower.

“fuck…” Lucas swore, biting his lips “I’m not answering”

J ens stopped him, putting his hand on his, preventing him to continue. 

“I think it’s better if we stop” he admitted, breathless “I don’t want our first time to be in a filthy alley behind the station”

“Yeah, sorry…” Lucas muttered, clearing his throat “I think I was a little too rushed”

Jens chuckled “ _you?”_ he asked, raising an eyebrow “I was moaning your name until one minute ago”

Lucas swallowed, hit by the simplicity with whom Jens could speak about that.

“Next week you can stay the night, maybe...” Jens proposed “spending the night at my place”

The other bit his lips, he knew that that was pretty unlikely, with his mother, spending the night outside, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood, that was already a little awkward, so he nodded.

“it’s better than taking the train with an erection”

Lucas came home almost at midnight, shivering under his coat, even though he had Jens’ beanie to keep him warm. He slowly opened the door, trying to not be loud and wake his mother, she was fine those days, more than fine, and he started to relax a little more at the thought of leaving her alone at home.

“Luc?” he heard in the dark, while his heart stopped for a second.

He turned on the lights, finding his mother laid on the sofa, with her clothes still on.

“Mom?” he asked, “what are you doing?”

The woman closed her eyes slowly “I fell asleep on the couch”

“are you okay?” 

“yes” she replied, slowly shaking her head.

The boy came closer to her, sitting on the couch, sighing.

“Something wrong?” he asked, slowly.

He could see it, that dark wave coming upon her, darkening her bright blue eyes, so similar to his, almost identical. In two days or even less, she would have become a shadow of herself, absent and distant to him. He felt so powerless, wanting so bad to help her, but knowing that nothing he could have done could have helped her.

_P_ _eople need love more than they need help._

He leaned an arm around her, hugging her close, keeping her tight.

“it’ll get better” he whispered in her ears “I’m here”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you liked it. From the next chapter, things will become complicated... Brace yourselves.


	8. 8 chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Just two quick notes:  
> Don't worry, Lucas has just a simple fever. It's not coronavirus.  
> The temperature is in Celsius. According to Google, 38.6 Celsius corresponds to 726,8 Fahrenheit

8 Chapter

_You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve_   
_And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_

_Flaws-Bastille_

Something felt wrong in his body when he woke up, that morning. Lucas felt his limbs heavy and his head spinning, while he sat in his bed, taking his head in his hands.

He wasn’t even hungry, but he ate anyway, fighting against nausea, just to take some medicine.

 _Buy paracetamol_. _Must not forget._

He wrote in the notes of his phone.

He slowly walked towards the bus stop, feeling his eyelid heavy and the air too thick for his nose to breath, swallowing was a torture that made him clench his knuckle for the pain and make him want to spit on the ground instead of swallowing.

Resting his head on the cold walls of the bus stop wasn’t pleasing at all, but at least it was something to lean on and to rest his head, that has never been heavier than that morning.

The only thing that prevented him to fall asleep was the fear of losing the bus, and the thought fo the warmth inside of it.

“bro, you look like shit,” Kes said, once he was on the bus and sat next to him.

“I’m not feeling very well” he admitted, muttering.

“Yeah, I could see it” his friend agreed, touching his forehead covered by Jens’ hat “why did you even come to school?”

“because I’m not _that_ sick” Lucas replied, more trying to convince himself “I can afford a day of school”

And that was the last thing he remembered saying before falling in a light fever deep sleep.

“Luc…” he heard Kes whisper in his ear “Luc… wake up”

Lucas jumped on his seat, glancing around.

His head started spinning and he felt Kes arms on his shoulder.

“man, you should go home”

“where are we?” Lucas asked.

“at school” he replied, “are you sure you want to enter?”

He nodded “yeah, I’m taking a nap this afternoon and everything will be fine”

But that ended been his worst day at school, he struggled all day to keep himself awake, everything gave him nausea and headache, especially strong lights: only _looking_ at his phone made him want to throw up, so he couldn’t even respond to Jens, who wrote him about something involving his brother.

He was starting to fear that this couldn’t just be the lack of sleep. He was getting sick, he thought with horror. He couldn’t afford that, not with his mother still locked in her room, counting on him to eat, drink, and having clean clothes. 

When he finally came home, he slipped in his bed, closing all the windows and the lights, and fell asleep, feeling his head becoming lighter and lighter.

“all okay?” Milan asked “you checked your phone a thousand times in two hours”

He shook his head “it’s Lucas” he answered “he didn’t reply all day, neither to say _good morning”_

Robbe rolled his eyes, slowly shaking his head in frustration.

They were at Robbe’s old flat, having lunch with Milan, who cooked for them lunch for an army. They used to do lunch together almost once a week, and Jens could see how happy was Robbe to see his old roommates, even though they didn’t tell Zoe about Lucas, yet. Mostly because of her friendship with Jana.

“Jens, don’t stress so much!” Robbe told him “maybe he woke up late and he is with his friends, at school”

“it’s strange for him to not answer for this long”

“what are you afraid of, exactly?” Milan intervened.

“I don’t know” Jens replied, shrugging, puffing a little.

“I think you do” Milan insisted “come on, you're in a safe space” he added, ironically.

Jens sighed “okay...” he admitted, “I saw a picture, this morning, on Instagram…”

“Posted by Lucas?” Robbe demanded, furrowing his eyebrows.

His friend shook his head “by his best friend, I check his profile every now and then”

“how much is _every now and then_ for you?” Milan mocked him, exchanging a complicit look with Robbe “what did you see, anyway?”

Jens took his phone off the pocket and showed them the photo, his stomach clenching at the sight.

“Is this your hat?” Robbe asked, looking at the photo gesturing at Lucas.

“a nice hat” Milan convened, nodding.

“guys…” Jens said frowning, showing them the picture “he is sleeping with his head on his shoulder…”

“yeah…” Robbe admitted, slowly nodding “and so? He is his best friend, they’re like me and you. I don’t think Lucas would mind if they were us”

“yeah, because he knows you” Jens pointed out, pissed. 

“and finally we have the problem…” Milan commented clapping “you don’t like that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends, yet”

“no” he denied, firmly “I don’t like that this random guy shares pictures of my boyfriend sleeping on his shoulder, and after that, he doesn’t reply to my texts”

Milan and Robbe rapidly looked at each other, coming closer to Jens, who was looking at the floor.

“Jens” Milan started “coming out was so easy for you, but it’s not always like that, people have friends who don’t understand, or are afraid to simply lose them. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, or that he likes that guy”

“if there was something going on with him, they wouldn’t have posted a photo” Robbe added “and about that texts, there are a lot of reasons for him not replying you, you shouldn’t worry that much”

Jens sighed “I forgot how fucking scary being in a relationship was…”

“I think you haven’t really known it at all, until now…” Robbe stated, ruffling his hair.

Lucas was feeling his body burn and then suddenly freeze, in a matter of minutes. When it was burning, nothing could cool him, and when it was freezing, nothing could warm him.

He was shivering under his duvet, all curled in himself, his knees against his chest. He knew he had to go to make dinner for him and his mother, but he couldn’t even find the strength to _think_ about it. Putting a hand outside the duvet was enough to make him shiver.

He couldn’t leave her mother like that, so he collected his forces and went into the kitchen to make her a sandwich that he left on her nightstand.

He wanted to ask her where he could find a thermometer, but he knew she wouldn’t have answered, so he just tried to find it in the bag of her medication, with bad results.

He came back in his room, covering himself till the tip of his head.

During sleep, he heard a far sound, that he recognized as his phone ringing, he blindly searched for it, with his hand, and he picked it up.

“Hello?” his voice was hoarse and his head was aching at every word he pronounced. He wanted that phone call to end as soon as possible

“hey…” Jens's voice muttered, “where have you been?”

“sorry…” Lucas murmured, barely opening his dry mouth “slept all day”

“are you okay?” Jens asked, a little worried.

“yes…” Lucas simply replied, sighing, rubbing a hand on his eyes that were stinging and watery “no, I’m not” he added, then “I think I might have a fever”

“what?” the other exclaimed, his voice seemed a lot worrier, now “how much high? Did you take something? How do you feel?”

“Jens… slow down, I’m not that bad” Lucas reassured him “I’m just really cold and I have a strong headache, but I don’t know how much high my temperature is, I can’t find that damn thermometer”

“Did you take something? Any medication?”

“no” he admitted, sighing and turning himself in his bed “I should have bought them, but I forgot, and I’m not able to go outside, now. I think I’m going to take a hot tea and a good night of sleep, or maybe a week”

“is your mother with you?” he inquired “someone who can watch over you?”

“no, I’m alone, she… she can’t stay with me, now. It’s complicated” Lucas replied, too tired to explain that his mother was having a depressive episode.

“Okay, ehm… I’m leaving you sleeping, then” Jens said, “take care of yourself, okay?”

Lucas nodded, even though Jens couldn’t see him, and closed the call, falling asleep again.

He dreamed a lot, dreams so real that he awakened once or twice with his heart beating fast in his chest. He couldn’t even remember what he was dreaming, once he woke up, but he could perfectly feel the cold sweats covering his body and his sheets that were becoming sticky, other than cold and uncomfortable.

His phone ringed again and he forced himself to pick up.

“Jens…” he said, whispering.

“open up” the other stated.

“what?"

“I’m outside your house” Jens explained. 

“are you… are you serious?” Lucas asked, frowning in utter confusion, doubting that he could still be dreaming.

“of course I am” Jens replied, sharp.

Lucas crawled his feet to the door and he was actually surprised to find Jens in front of him, with his gray sweatshirt and his hood on.

“what… what are you doing here?” Lucas asked, even though he was relieved to have him there, he was really afraid of worsening during the night.

“I couldn’t leave you alone” he explained, shrugging “I’ve tried to tell you, but you were not picking up and I… I guessed I’ve freaked out”

Lucas let him in “I’m sorry I’ve worried you”

Jens smiled slightly, shaking his head.

“let me check...” Jens affirmed while putting his palm against Lucas' forehead, the other on his nape.

“fuck, Lucas, you’re _burning_ ” he commented with his hand still on his forehead “and you’re sweating”

Lucas shrugged, not knowing what to say.

Jens took off his jacket, rolling up his sleeves. He opened his backpack and shoved a little bag with the logo of a pharmacy.

“Okay, this is what we’re gonna do” he started “first, we must measure your fever, okay? Sit down”

Lucas sat on his couch “I don’t have a thermometer…”

“no, you _didn’t_ have a thermometer” Jens pointed out “now, you have one…” he added, showing him a new thermometer “… and you also _didn’t_ have medicines, now you do”

“I can’t accept all of this, Jens…” Lucas tried to say but his voice felt so weak at that moment.

“you’re gonna repaying me, tomorrow. I promise” Jens said cupping his face, his thumbs caressing his cheeks “but now let me help you, okay? Please”

Lucas nodded and took the thermometer, while Jens went to the kitchen, coming back with a giant glass of water.

“drink…” he firmly ordered.

“What is this?” Lucas asked.

“water” Jens explained “you sweated a lot, need to regain all the liquids”

The other lightly smiled and Jens smiled back.

“doctor’s son” he admitted, shrugging.

Lucas drank all the water, his throat aching at every sip. He shut his eyes, shaking his head, while the thermometer started ringing.

“fuck,” Jens said, his hand covering his mouth “38.6. It’s damn high, Lucas”

“and now?” Lucas asked. 

Jens licked his lips, swallowing “I brought you something, if those don’t make fever lowering, we should go to the hospital, I fear”

“do you want to call your mother?” he asked, “I think she should know…”

“she is upstairs” Lucas admitted, sighing.

“what?” Jens asked, frowning “and why isn’t she here with you?”

“as I said, it’s complicated” Lucas sighed again “she is…”

Thoughts flew confusedly in his mind while trying to find the words.

“you don’t need to tell me everything now” Jens interrupted his thoughts, speaking softly, touching his forehead “we have more important things to think about”

Lucas took his medicines and a little more water; knowing that his fever was particularly high made him feel even worse, as if not knowing it gave him the strength to pretend he was fine. Even sitting straight was difficult, the room was spinning and he was losing balance at every move of his head. He laid on his sofa, relishing the touch of the fresh fabric of the pillows, his eyes closed.

“Are you tired?” Jens knelt by his side, caressing his burning cheeks with the thumb.

He opened his eyes, slowly, closing them right after, nodding lightly.

“let’s go to bed, then” Jens' voice was soft like his touch when he put a hand under his armpit to make him sit.

“slow…” he whispered fixing his messy hair.

He looked worried, clenching his jaws and staring at him as he could faint in every moment.

“Are you staying here, tonight?” Lucas’ voice was low and shaky.

“I’m not going anywhere” Jens promised, helping him standing up and keeping him close, supporting him with an arm around his waist.

Lucas didn’t really need to be brought like that, but he liked to cling against Jens's fresh body, smelling his scent.

“I think it’s better if we change that sheets”

“I’ll help you”

Jens chuckled softly “don’t even think about it. Tell me where clean sheets are”

Lucas pointed at the drawer and sat on his chair, watching Jens changing the sheets of his bed.

“there we are” he declared while helping him standing up. The boy felt his head spinning and clung to Jens, who chuckled.

“I’m here” he whispered in his ear leaving a soft kiss right over his ear.

He helped him sitting on the bed, making him laying down, always keeping his hand on his nape, to not make his head spinning more. Lucas relieved in the soft smell of fresh clean sheets, while Jens sat next to him.

“do you mind if I lay here, too?”

Lucas took him by his sleeve and drew him closer. Jens took off his sweatshirt, remaining in a red t-shirt and laid down.

He pulled Lucas closer, making his head resting on his chest.

“I don’t want to infect you” Lucas whimpered.

“I’m willing to take the risk” Jens replied, kissing him between his curls. 

Lucas softly smiled. He had almost forgotten how beautiful it was, to have someone to take care of you, someone to count on. How it was to not worry about anything and let someone care about everything, like when he was a child.

His parents weren’t good at it, his friends weren’t so much good at it, but Jens was a master. Lucas clung a little more next to him, grabbing his t-shirt and smelling his perfume.

“thanks”

He felt Jens’ lips on his head, leaving a soft kiss.

“thank you for saying you weren’t feeling good”

“Jens?”

“yeah?”

“I _…”_

_I love you._

“I’m feeling better now”

Jens didn’t sleep even a minute, he knew it would have happened. He checked on Lucas every now and then, measuring his temperature, sighing in relief when he realized it was lowering; the boy wasn’t burning, anymore, he was just very warm, but at least they didn’t have to go to the hospital. Lucas clung more next to him, softly breathing out and Jens couldn’t help but smile, watching that wonderful boy sleeping next to him, grabbing him like he was afraid to fall somewhere. Jens kept ruffling his hair all night, amazed by the way Lucas seemed almost a child, when he was asleep, in peace.

When they first met, they spent the night together, but Jens fell asleep when Lucas was _still_ awake and woke when he was _already_ awake and he regretted not having watched him sleep. 

He curled a lock of the boy’s hair around his finger, smiling at the sight of him frowning his eyebrows a bit.

_He is mine._

He felt really guilty when he found out that Lucas was simply sick. That explained everything, why he hadn’t replied, why he had fallen asleep on his friend's shoulder on the bus.

When he saw him, the night before, he almost had a heart attack: he was flushed, and not in a cute way, and he was burning like hell, shivering in the meantime, his fever was very high and he panicked. He had never been that happy to have a father who loves to talk about his job.

His heart stopped when he heard a few steps on the second floor.

It was very easy to forget that Lucas’ mother was there, too. How could she not give a fuck about her own son? He was sick, he should have been brought to a hospital, and instead, she just locked herself in the second floor, leaving her son like that, while he needed help so badly.

He started feeling his back aching a little, he desperately craved to move, but he also wanted Lucas to wake in his arms, so he tried to close his eyes, not thinking about the discomfort, but only about Lucas’ ear just upon his heart.

Jens woke up a few hours later, in the same position he fell asleep in, but with his neck, all contracted.

“ouch,” he whimpered, forgetting that Lucas was still sleeping on his chest.

Before he could regret it, Lucas raised his head, looking around, and then at Jens, smiling with his eyes still not completely open.

“good morning” he muttered, with a weak voice.

“good morning” the other repeated “congratulations, you’ve slept for… eleven hours!” he said after looking at his watch.

Lucas swallowed, rubbing his eyes “I was damn tired”

“my father says that sleep is the best medicine and the key to a long life”

The other smiled, putting his chin on Jens’ ribs “I’m going to die before my thirties, then”

Jens smiled back, caressing his cheek, Lucas was just a little warm, definitely not burning like the day before.

“How are you today?” he asked, slowly tracing the shape of his little ear.

“a lot better” he admitted “I don’t know how to thank you”

“well…” Jens considered, watching the ceiling “for example, you could show me how can I make a coffee…”

Lucas still felt a little weak, his head still spinning a little bit, so he had to walk grabbing Jens’ arm, not that one of them minded, anyway. Jens' body felt a little more familiar every time he touched it, and Lucas did really like that.

He didn’t feel like eating anything, but Jens insisted to making him take his medicines, so he ate two or three dry biscuits, that she swallowed like they were made of mud and sand, and drank a large cup of tea, that warmed his stomach and his heart almost as Jens’ gaze upon him.

They had slept together, that night. It wasn’t the first time, though that was the first time they actually slept _together_ not with a few meters of distance, but with no distance _at all_ , and Lucas already missed that proximity.

Maybe also Jens did miss that proximity, because he came closer to kiss him, for the first time since he arrived the day before, too busy saving his life to kiss his lips.

“I wouldn’t come near if I were you” Lucas admitted, chuckling on his lips “I stink”

“not that much…” Jens replied, coming closer, making their lips touch without kissing him.

“I’m sweaty” Lucas insisted.

“mmm, pheromones…”

“idiot” Lucas said, surrendering and giving him a quick kiss “can I take a shower, now?”

“it depends…” Jens pondered “can I come with you?”

Lucas laughed, slowly shaking his head, biting his lips.

“no?”

“no” he repeated, still shaking his head.

“I’m utterly offended”

The Dutch boy came closer, kissing him slowly.

“I’m not letting you seeing me naked when I haven’t showered for two days…”

“sexy” Jens commented, reprising the kiss.

“shut up”

Okay, maybe Jens's presence would have helped.

His legs felt like jelly, his knee bending under his weight. He had to sit in the bathtub to prevent himself from falling.

He relaxed under the hot water, feeling the sweat and the fatigue abandoning him.

When he came back to his room, after drying his hair, he found Jens heavily asleep on the bed, with his hand on his stomach and his phone still in the other hand, Lucas smiled at the sight, trying to imprint that image in his mind.

He brought something to eat to his mother, who was still sleeping and didn’t even notice his presence, she had changed her therapy and her new pills made her sleep like a log.

Finally, he laid on the bed, next to Jens, he was feeling better than the day before, but he was still weak, and taking a shower and bringing his mother lunch had been definitely too much for him. He only had the time to come closer to Jens, before falling asleep with his head against his.

They woke up almost at the same time, their face near, their noses touching. They stayed there, in that position for the rest of the afternoon, silently agreeing that Jens would have stayed with Lucas for another night.

“What happened to your mother?” Jens dared to ask.

Lucas sighed, raising his eyebrows “she is bipolar”

He knew that Jens knew what that meant, one of his best friends was bipolar too, after all.

“Which type?” he asked, calmly.

“second” he explained “she used to control it, with pills and therapy. But in the last year she… her symptoms have worsened a lot, since… since my father left”

“I’m sorry”

Lucas shrugged “I take care of her as I can, trying to give her what she needs, even if it’s simply leaving her alone during her depressive episodes. I keep hoping that one day she will return to her usual self”

“and your parents?” Lucas asked, then.

Jens swallowed “my mother… she… _fuck_ …” Jens cursed, his voice cracked and his eyes became wet. He had to cover them, pressing on them with his palm.

“Jens…” Lucas whispered, coming closer, realizing what he had just done “sorry, I shouldn’t have asked”

“it’s nothing, sorry” the other admitted, licking his lips quickly and sniffing up with his nose “it happened one year ago, more or less, she was coming back from work – she was a doctor, too – and… we don’t know what happened, maybe she fell asleep, or maybe she saw an animal…”

“It must have been terrible” Lucas considered, caressing his profile with the index “were you close?”

Jens chuckled, so sadly that Lucas felt an ache right in his chest “that’s the worst part. I don’t know _anything_ about her, I don’t know what she liked, what she hated if she was happy with us. I’ve always given her for granted, _her life_ for granted like she was just a background; and now I would give anything, _anything_ , just to see her and simply ask her _hey, mom, what’s up?”_

“and your father?”

Jens shrugged, without watching him “he likes to pretend that nothing has happened, he spends ten hours a day at that fucking hospital, as if nothing has changed, but something did change. We lost her, for God’s sake”

Lucas sighed “come here” he simply said, pulling him closer, kissing his forehead and making him rest against him.

He held him close, caressing him with his finger and leaving soft kisses in his dark hair.

He wanted to say something, but everything seemed so… trivial. He spent one year listening to empty words from strangers about his mother and his mental health, people who didn’t know shit about her that were saying a lot of bullshit just for the pleasure of saying something.

Maybe Jens wasn’t like him, but all that Lucas needed was simply to hear someone tell him _I know it’s difficult, but you’re not alone in this._ And it was exactly what he was trying to say to Jens, at that moment.

“Can I borrow one of your t-shirts?” Jens asked the following morning when they woke up tangled to each other.

“I don’t think they would fit you” Lucas considered, checking in the closet “but maybe I can give you one of Kes’ t-shirts”

He felt Jens’ gaze upon him, even without looking, so he looked at him through the reflex of his mirror; the boy was staring at him with one eyebrow raised and a childish pout that was adorable more than mad.

“you’re sexy when you’re grumpy” he considered, mocking him.

“you’re less sexy when you change the topic” Jens pointed out.

“what topic?”

“maybe why you have Kes’ t-shirts in your closet…”

“because the fridge was too cold” Lucas answered, shrugging. He glanced at Jens again, he had his arm crossed on his chest while looking away, clenching his jaw.

Lucas sat on the bed, in front of him. He didn’t mean to be insensitive, he simply didn’t realize how much fear Jens had to lose him.

“Hey…” he whispered, caressing his cheek “he has spent a week here when my father left. I was feeling like shit and he helped me…that’s all. You know how friendship works, sometimes it is very similar to a relationship, you spend a lot of time together, sleep together, exchange clothes. But what’s between me and you, it’s completely different, it’s something else”

Jens smiled a little bit.

“is that a smile that I see?” Lucas asked pointing at his face.

The boy opened and closed the mouth, as to find the word “sorry” he said, at the end “I didn’t want to seem… possessive or similar. I’m just…”

“afraid?” Lucas ended the phrase for him and the other nodded.

He shrugged, coming closer, making their noses touch “don’t worry. I feel it, too”

The time to go away arrived too soon for both of them.

They spent the rest of the morning eating biscuits on Lucas’ bed, watching movies meticulously chosen by Lucas, movies that he knew Jens could have enjoyed, kissing softly, almost distractedly, struggling to hold back their smiles and their hands.

“I’m starting to hate watching you leave” Lucas admitted on the doorstep grasping Jens’ jacket.

Jens fixed the zip of Lucas’ green hoodie, trying to not making him catch too cold.

“I’ve hated it since the first day” Jens replied, with his finger on his neck “will you… will you remember to take all your medicines?”

Lucas nodded, smiling “yes, doc. I promise”

Jens smiled, a sad smile "so... see you next week"

Lucas smiled back "see you next week." he said with a sad look

Jens turned his back to him after a quick gesture of his hand.

The other boy was watching him walk away when he called for him:

“Jens!”

The Belgian boy quickly turned around “yeah?”

Lucas reached for him “I…” he began, licking his lip nervously.

“Yeah?” the other asked, scanning his face with his dark eyes.

“Lucas!”

The voice didn’t come from Jens, they both turned towards that, and Lucas widened his eyes with horror when he saw Liv and Isa, who was holding in her hands a bag.

Lucas felt shivers running down his back and his arms, as he swallowed. What did they see? They haven’t kissed in front of his house, they weren’t stupid, but maybe the two girls could have understood everything by the way they were looking at each other just a few instants before. 

“Liv, Isa” Lucas muttered “hi…”

They came closer, awkwardly “hi…” they said, almost together.

“We brought you something to eat” Liv announced “it’s soup and pasta salad and… bread”

“K-Kes told us that you weren’t feeling good” Isa stuttered.

“oh...thank you” Lucas replied, swallowing.

“don’t you introduce your friend to us?” Isa asked, glancing at Jens.

Lucas was petrified, he didn’t really know what to do. He was at a crossroads: either introducing Jens as what he actually was, his boyfriend, or either remain in his dark corner made of lies and subterfuge.

“he is…” he started. Then he took a deep breath “he works at the pharmacy, he brought me some medicines”

The girls nodded.

“Okay, ehm, maybe…maybe it’s better if we go, now. Take care of yourself, okay?” Liv said, taking Isa by the hand and dragging her away.

Lucas nodded and kept his gaze on them until they were disappeared around the corner. Lucas was too scared to look at Jens, so they both remained still for a few seconds.

Without saying anything, Jens sighed, shaking his head and turned his back to Lucas, walking away.

“Jens please”

“what do you want, Lucas?” Jens asked, turning around to face him “what do you want from me? Do I have to come here every weekend for the rest of my life, hiding in your room like a criminal? I have nothing to be ashamed of”

“Jens, I’m sorry…”

“I made a question” Jens replied, sharp and severe.

Lucas sighed, almost whimpering “what did I have to do? Telling them _hey, this is my boyfriend_?”

“would have been that bad?” he suggested, challenging him.

“they wouldn’t understand, Jens”

“that’s what Robbe thought about me, too! And I have understood him, it was all in his mind!”

“I’m not Robbe” Lucas pointed out “and you’re not Kes or any other of my friends”

“if they push you away because of something like this, they’re not your friends, Lucas”

“you’ve always known” Lucas replied “I’ve always openly told you that I didn’t want to come out, soon. You told me to wait until I was ready”

“yeah” Jens admitted, sighing and taking a step back “but I didn’t how fucking painful was to see your boyfriend pretending to not know you. Goodbye, Lucas”


	9. 9 Chapter

_ I wish someone would explain to me _ _   
_ _ How losing you is gonna make me feel _ _   
_ _ Like someone shot a hole in me _ _   
_ _ And left me out for the wolves to eat _ __

_ Blood and Bones-Kodaline _

Jens slammed the door of his room with all the strength he could find, not caring if his father or his brother could have heard him. He angrily shoved his jacket and his hat – not the one he gave to Lucas, which he had left in Utrecht – on the floor.

He heard a knock on his door, he opened it only to find his father outside. 

“Jens, what the fuck are you doing?

“Nothing, sorry” he answered, sharply “go back to sleep”

“where have you been?”

“with the boys, I told you”

“don’t tell me bullshit, Jens” his father warned him “I saw Robbe and the boys at the skate park, yesterday. Where have you been?”

Jens puffed, rolling his eyes “oh so now you remember that you are the father and I’m the son. I guess you’ll check if Anton does his homework, from now on, or maybe you’re going to talk with his teachers or even go to the grocery store”

“Jens, I’m not asking that again” his father repeated, pointing at him with authority “where have you been all the weekend?”

“do you really want to know that?” he challenged him, glancing at his finger and then back at his eyes. 

“yes, I really do”

“I was in Utrecht” he admitted “I’ve spent the whole weekend with a boy, we’re together”

His father frowned, swallowing, he blinked like he was awakening from a dream “what?”

“you heard me well” Jens muttered. 

“since when…?” his father tried to elaborate, blinking. 

“a month, more or less”

The man widened his eyes, sighing and passing a hand over his face, but then he looked at him with an annoyed look “you don’t become a faggot from one day to another, Jens” 

Jens stiffened, taking a step back, needing a second or two to assimilate what he had just heard; he swallowed, pulling his lips inside his mouth “neither an asshole, but here you are” he replied before closing himself in his room. 

  
  


**L:** **I hate knowing that I hurt you. Believe me when I say that you’re the last person I wanted to hurt. Please call me when you get home, okay? I already miss you.**

**L: Good Morning**

**L: Jens please, call me back.**

**L: My mom is feeling better, she had dinner with me tonight, we ate pizza and watched _Paths of Glory_.You should see it, it’s a good movie. She didn’t notice that someone was in her house, this weekend, but she heard the laughs. **

**L: I came back to school today, it was boring as fuck but at least I’m not feeling like shit, anymore.**

**L: I went skating, in the afternoon, after months of attempts I finally made it to do a nollie. The first time I've tried it I broke my arm.**

**L: I miss you. Please, call me**

  
  


“so he pretended you were the guy from the pharmacy?” Robbe asked. 

Jens nodded, looking away.

He waited three days before telling everything to the boys, he needed time to think about everything. He was missing Lucas more than he could bear, and all those texts weren’t helping at all, but he knew that if Lucas had stopped sending them, he would have gone insane in a few hours. He wasn’t ready to talk to him, though he wasn’t ready to lose him as well. 

He was still his, after all. 

His father hasn’t talked to him since that night, the man was clearly avoiding him, spending even more hours at work, and the other parts of the day closed in his office, at home.

That was the first time he was talking to the boys in three days. They were all together at the skate park, sat on the grass, smoking. 

“fuck…” Aaron breathed, widening his eyes. 

“and what did you tell him?” Robbe asked.

Jens swallowed “I…I told him the truth, that I didn’t want to be treated that way… You should have seen his face when he saw his friends. Like he has just been caught by his wife”

“do you think they understood something?” Sander demanded.

“of course they have, they are not stupid” Jens sighed, playing with a blade of grass “and that’s the worst part: if he didn’t admit it when it was obvious, I feel like he is going to denying it until his death”

“that coward…” Aaron commented, shaking his head. 

“he is not a coward” 

Everybody turned towards the one who had talked. They almost had forgotten Moyo was there, as well, he had been silent for all the afternoon. 

“of course he is, I mean… he is afraid to talk with his friends about Jens…” Aaron insisted. 

“being afraid of something doesn’t make you a coward” Moyo replied, frowning. 

The three guys were still looking at him, so he continued. 

“I mean” he started “I still remember what I used to think about…” he sighed, closing his eyes “I’m ashamed of what I used to think and of what I said, but I still remember it and if it wasn’t for you,” he said pointing at Robbe “I would still be that type of person…”

“Are you defending him?” Jens asked, raising his eyebrow. 

“bro I will always be by your side…” Moyo specified “I’m just trying to bring on his point of view. There are a lot of idiots out there and maybe his friends are genuinely good people, but he can’t know that for sure, you can’t blame him if he is afraid…” he ended shrugging. 

Jens looked at Robbe, who was still watching Moyo, who instead was playing with the laces of his shoes. The boy gave a little pat on his friend’s shoulder and they smiled at each other. 

“I already forgave you, you know?”

Moyo shrugged again, and Robbe gave him a pinch on his cheek. Making all of them laugh. 

“how much serious is it?” Lucas asked, watching Noah and Ralph reading his texts. 

They already hushed him a couple of times, carefully reading those texts, concentrated like they were resolving a crossword. 

“Why didn’t you just told to Liv and Isa everything?” Noah asked shrugging “you can’t seriously think that they would have said something, I mean… you know them…”

“yeah” Ralph agreed “they are my best friends, it’s pretty unlikely that they have something against you dating a boy”

Lucas swallowed, licking his lips “they would have told that to the girls, or even worse to the boys”

“And…?” Ralph insisted “come on, Luc, it’s Kes and Jayden you’re talking about. They spend here most of their time and I’m pretty sure Jayden once helped me choosing which boy I should have dated…and about the girls, Janna literally had something with a girl, at least once”

“what’s the real problem?” Noah demanded, “it’s obvious this story is not about the boys or the girls…”

Lucas didn’t answer, playing with the handle of his mug.

“hey…” Noah whispered “we’re not here to judge. Believe me, I did worse things…”

“I don’t know…” Lucas admitted “I’m perfectly aware of the facts that they would never hate me for Jens, but…it’s just… I can’t say it out loud, that’s all. It has happened all so fast, I’ve met him, added him, started to talk to him and now he has talked about hiding in my house for the rest of his life. He literally said  _ the rest of my life,  _ that time”

“Luc, as I already told you, discovering your sexuality can be scary, I know that, I’ve been there,” Ralph told him “but if you keep hiding…”

“what?” Lucas asked. 

“you’ll lose him” Noah ended the phrase for Ralph. 

Lucas swallowed, standing up and putting his hands in his hair.

He didn’t want to lose Jens, he didn’t want to hurt him, or to lie anymore, but he wasn’t ready to openly tell everything, yet. 

“I’ve lost him” he whimpered, feeling his chest aching “I’ve been a coward and now I’ve lost him…”

“oh honey,” Ralph whispered, coming closer to him and taking his face in his hands “you haven’t lost him. Listen…”

He pushed the boy’s face up, to make him look at him “… do you want this guy back?”

Lucas nodded. 

“… then tell him the truth, that you’re still trying to figure out what is happening but that you’ve already talked to two of your friends…” he proposed, pointing at himself and Noah “I mean, we are your friends, after all, we must mean something...” 

Lucas nodded again, taking his phone. 

**_L: Hey, Jens,_ **

**_I miss you, but maybe you’d already know that. I’m telling it again, anyway._ **

**_I’ve hated every single moment spent without you, these days, I guess I’m too used to talk to you every time I can._ **

**_I told two of my friends about you, I know that it’s still not enough for you, but it’s something, I’ve got still a lot to learn about myself and I hope you’ll be there in the meantime._ **

**_Yours,_ **

**_Lucas._ **

  
  


“where’s Sander?” Jens asked while they were walking home, only the two of them. 

“he was… he had something to do with his parents” Robbe quickly answered. 

Jens looked at him sideways, licking his lips, suspicious “what happened really?”

Robbe sighed, shaking his head “why is it so hard to lie to you?”

Jens shrugged, chuckling “what happened?”

“We had a fight…” the boy admitted “a serious one…”

“I didn’t even know you could fight”

“We usually make up in a few hours, but this time is more serious” 

“serious, like?”

He felt his friend stop, sitting on a bench taking his head in his hands. Jens sat next to him.

“Hey…” he muttered “Robbe, is all okay? You’re scaring me…”

Robbe shook his head “I didn’t want to talk to you about this, sorry”

“Rob, you didn’t say anything, yet” the other considered “and you promised you would have told me anything, so…”

“Promise me you won’t freak out” Robbe whispered, sniffing. 

Jens nodded, while his heart started pouting in his chest. He liked Sander, he was a cool guy, but he still thought that he was making Robbe cry too many times; if he had hurt him, Jens wouldn’t have hesitated to kick his ass.

“there’s something I haven’t told you, something that happened when you still didn’t know about me and Sander…”

Jens nodded again, his face dead serious. 

“let me finish, until you say anything, okay?”

He nodded. 

“We were going out from a bar, we wanted more privacy, so he proposed to go to my place, or maybe his… but… but some dudes started to yell at us…”

Jens swallowed loudly, biting his lips for preventing himself to interrupt his friend. 

“we ignored them, just giving them our back and walking away but they reached for us and then…”

“… Robbe…”

“you promised” the other interrupted him, before continuing “I wanted to go to the police, but he didn’t want to. And then a lot of things happened and we forgot about everything, but I didn’t really forget about  _ anything.  _ I still hear them whenever I kiss him, or whenever I walk alone at night after spending the evening with him. I want to go to the police, report what happened, I know that this is the only thing that would make me feel safer, but he doesn’t want to… And the last time I insisted on doing it I lost him, so…”

Jens remained silent, watching the green pavement of the park below his feet, thinking about his best friend, his _brother,_ alone, covered in blood and bruises, scared.  He was thinking about not noticing how bad Robbe was feeling back then, even though he had seen him with bruises on his face: he had dropped the topic like it was nothing. 

“Jens, please, say something”

He came closer to his friend and hugged him, as tight as he could, burying his nose in his hair, shutting his eyes. 

“you’re choking me…” Robbe tried to say, but Jens shushed him, holding onto him even tighter. 

“I don’t need pity”

“it’s not pity” he replied, without letting him go “I can’t believe how many things I haven’t noticed” He pushed him away, gently, looking at him “if he doesn’t want to take you to the police, I’ll do it. Okay?”

Robbe nodded and he gave him a soft slap on his cheek. 

He went home when his father and his brother had already eaten, not feeling hungry anyway. He laid on his bed, with his arm on his eyes. 

He was so stupid. Stupid and irresponsible. 

He had kissed Lucas whenever he could, wherever they could, even in the Utrecht’s station, where someone could probably have followed Lucas until he was alone. Jens was big and tall, no one would have bothered him, but Lucas… he was tiny and lean, the perfect victim for some gutless assholes.

He put his life in danger, he even insisted with him to tell his friends about them, about  _ him, _ without thinking about no one else but himself, typical of him. 

How could he blame Lucas for being afraid of all of that? 

Suddenly he wasn’t so sure that was what he wanted. Did he really want to be afraid for his and his boyfriend's safety for the rest of his life?

He took his phone, opening Lucas’ chat.

**_J: Hi, Lucas. I’m happy that you’ve talked to some of your friends, but maybe you were right, after all._ **

**_I think that we are too rushed, maybe it’s better if we take a break with us, with all of this._ **

**_Please don’t think this is your fault, or because of what happened Sunday. I’ve been able to think a lot, these days and I think it’s better off this way._ **

**_I’m sorry_ ** _. _

_ Jens.  _

  
  


Lucas had to take off his _Moon’_ s poster. It has suddenly become too painful to look at, mostly because it reminded him of soft fingers ruffling his hair.

It’s strange how all days seemed exactly the same when all you do is go to school, then go back home and sleep until dinner, then remain awake till five o’clock and sleep two hours before going to school and restart everything.

He walked through the corridor of his school avoiding the looks of his friend, trying to not talk to anyone, but it wasn’t always easy.

He was spending a lot of time in the library, knowing that his friends would have never gone there, but he was wrong.

“good morning” 

“hi, Liv,” he said without even turning, simply resting with his head on his closed fist, absentmindedly browsing his math book. 

The girl sat next to him.

“of course you can seat, you don’t disturb me at all” he commented, bitter. 

“oh thank you,” she said smiling at him.

“are you hungry?” she proposed shoving a bowl “we can share my dessert, fruit with peanut butter. My favorite”

“I’m not hungry” he replied, ignoring her. 

“you already ate?”

“I’m not hungry, Liv” he repeated, huffing “and I have a lot to study”

She chewed on her apple “we finished studying that two months ago”

“what do you want, Liv?” Lucas asked, finally facing her “I’m not in the mood…”

“Yeah, I figured…” Liv considered “I’m throwing a party. I was wondering if you wanted to join”

“I’m busy”

“I haven’t even said when the party was”

“I’m sure it’s this weekend and I’m very busy these days, so…”

“Luc…” she whispered, frowning “what’s wrong? You’re avoiding us…”

“I had a lot to do” he replied, keeping his eye on the book, trying not to blink to not feel tears on the edge of his eyelid. 

The girl nodded, biting her bottom lip “you know, I had a terrible time, last year…”

“I’m not having a terrible time, Liv”

“but I did” Liv admitted, “and you know who helped me a lot?”

“Jesus?” he dared to say, shrugging. 

“a psychologist” she simply stated, shoving him a business card.

“my problems are not  _ that  _ serious”

“they don’t need to be” she pointed out “just think about it, okay?”

Lucas nodded and took the card, giving it a quick look. 

Liv stood up, giving Lucas a rapid kiss on the head, through his hair and he closed his eyes for a moment.

“let me know if you’ll join us at the party”

Jens didn’t know how the boys convinced him to go to that stupid party at Zoe’s place. 

Actually, he knew why he was there: first, he didn’t want to worry Robbe, he felt already guilty about his break-up with Lucas, even though Jens told him a thousand times that it wasn’t his fault, and he didn’t want him to think about him alone in his room on a Friday night, so he came. Second, he hoped that a large amount of alcohol could make his heart relieve.

“are you okay?” Robbe asked. 

“the same answer of five minutes ago” Jens answered “I’m okay, Robbe. Seriously”

Robbe shrugged. 

“you and Sander?” 

“all okay,” he told him “I’m still convincing him to go to the police, but at least we talk again”

“Seriously?”

Robbe nodded “I haven’t told you because I thought you didn’t need to face other problems…”

“I don’t want you to hide things like that from me anymore. It doesn’t matter what I’m going through, a brother is a brother” Jens admitted, smiling for the first time in days. 

Lucas didn’t even realize that it was Friday night until he saw an Instagram post from Ralph’s profile. 

He sighed, putting his arm on his eyes, hardly swallowing the tears. 

His mother probably ordered something to eat, because he heard the doorbell ringing, not that he was hungry, anyway. Food and sleep seemed incompatible with how he felt. 

Someone knocked at his door.

“I’m not hungry” he yelled, knowing that that was enough to not make his mother insist. 

But the knock continued. 

“mum, I’m not hungry!”

Another knock. 

“mum!”

“sorry” he heard, definitely not from his mother voice “it’s that I missed hearing your voice so much” 

He took off his arm from his face, frowning at the closed door. He stood up, opening the door, seeing his best friend with his fist raised, ready to knock again. 

“Kes?” he asked, “what are you doing here?”

“I missed seeing your beautiful face” he simply answered, winking “and I’m stealing you away”

“Kes, I don’t feel…”

“oh come on, Luc!” he insisted, pouting his mouth like a puppy “I need you! With your eyes and my smile, the city is ours!”

Lucas smiled a little bit, for the first time in days. 

“We don’t need to go anywhere you don’t want to” Kes promised, serious “just the two of us, a night skating session and two iced beer”

Lucas didn’t respond, pondering if it was the case, so Kes went on one knee, dramatically shouting with his hands together, like in prayer:

“say yes! Say yes! Please, say yes”

Lucas laughed, covering his eyes from the awkwardness. 

“let’s go” he accepted, the corner of his mouth curled in a bad held smile “before you humiliate yourself even more”

Jens was standing next to a wall with his fifth beer in his hand, the room started spinning at the third drink, and memories started resurfacing at the fourth. 

It seemed like all of his friends were having a better time than him, especially Milan, who was dancing with his new boyfriend, their bodies attached, kissing, and chuckling.

_ “envy?”  _ said a voice in his head. Lucas’ voice. 

“This is what a new couple should look like” Jens replied to the hallucination “do you have the courage?”

_ “do you?” _ the voice replied.

“someone smoke too much, uh?” 

Jana was standing right next to him, leaned on his same wall, looking at him sideways. 

He laughed “only drunk” he admitted showing her his beer. 

“I haven’t seen you around, lately,” she said, taking his cup and drinking from it. 

Jens shrugged, coming closer “did you miss me?” his voice low and deep. 

Jana laughed “you’re way  _ too  _ drunk,” she said, shaking her head. 

“wanna dance?” he proposed, gesturing with his head to the dance floor, nodding with a casual expression. 

Jana didn’t even reply, she simply turned around and started walking towards the crowd of people dancing; he was following her, his eyes glued at her back until someone stopped him with a hand on his chest. 

“don’t do it, Jens…”

“what do you want, Sander?” Jens asked the blond boy in front of him. He didn’t even know where he had arrived from. 

“I know what you’re doing” the boy warned him “and you’ll regret it, believe me”

“you don’t know shit, Driesen” 

“you got scared from what Robbe told you, you pushed Lucas away and now you’ll trying to come back to your usual self, am I right?”

“well done, Houdini”

“it won’t work, Jens. I’m saying it for your good”

“Sander, what made you think that we are something like friends?” Jens asked, provocatively coming closer to him “let me remind you a thing: you’re my best friend’s boyfriend, nothing else”

“Okay, then” Sander gave up, letting him go, lifting his arms in a compliant gesture “just one thing: try not to think about him when you’ll kiss her”

Jens ignored him while reaching for Jana under the red lights. 

“you’re even worse than I remember,” Kes told him when they finally stopped, breathless at the edge of the skate park. 

It made all another impression at night.

“I’ve crushed you, completely” Lucas replied, giving him a shove and laughing. 

Kes remained silent for a few seconds “it’s nice seeing you smile again. You looked like shit these days”

“you look like shit always but I’m too polite to say it to your face” Lucas breathed out and Kes slapped him on his nape. 

“How is your mum?” Kes asked out of the blue. 

Lucas looked at him sideways, confused “excuse me?”

Kes shrugged “I was there when she had that breakdown, I just want to know how is she...”

Lucas licked his lips, sighing “better, these days, but sooner or later she’ll have another manic episode and everything will restart…”

“have you tried to talk to someone? Your father, or your aunt…”

“they don’t give a fuck about her, like always” Lucas replied “but actually, her normal mood days are getting much longer, so I think she is stabilizing”

“We need to celebrate, then…” Kes considered “I’m taking the last two beer…” 

“We already drank them”

“fuck” Kes muttered “stay here, I’m going to that stand…” he warned him, pointing at a little stand not far away from them. 

The red light was making everything even more confusing, all that Jens felt were Jana’s hands on his hips and her familiar scent invading his nostrils. 

“I’ve missed seeing you at parties…” she whispered in his ear, making his skin crawl. 

“I’m here now” he commented, one moment before taking her chin in his fingers and kissing her.

The kiss became deep very soon, her tongue caressing his, while her hands were slipping inside his shirt. 

She bit him lightly, but what Jens felt weren’t the teeth of the girl right in front of him, but the ones of a boy very far away.

_ Try not to think about him when you kiss her.  _

Jens was really trying to, but all he could think about were his lips, his hands, his mouth, his eyes, his little gasps between kisses. Like he couldn’t remember to breathe while they were kissing.

He took Jana for the shoulders, pushing her away. 

“Sorry, I can’t” he admitted “I have to go”

And ran away. 

Lucas picked his phone from the pocked, lazily checking on Instagram. 

The stories showed all the same things: parties at home with neon lights, cute couples during romantic dates, evening at home binging TV-series, Jens passionately kissing a very beautiful girl. 

_ Jens passionately kissing a very beautiful girl.  _

His heart stopped, while his limbs started tingling with rage and jealousy. 

He stood up, taking his jacket, while Kes was coming back with a six-pack in his hand. 

“I’ve taken…” he looked at him suspiciously “what are you doing?”

“I’m going home”

“what? Why?” Kes asked, “we were having fun…”

“no, _you_ were having fun” Lucas pointed out angrily “I didn’t want to come in the first place and maybe I shouldn’t have”

He was angry and he had to blame someone, but deep inside he perfectly knew that nothing that had happened with Jens was Kes’ fault. 

Lucas was the only one to blame. 

“you’re really going away?”

“yes”

He started walking, without even saying anything when he heard Kes yell. 

“don’t you dare to go away like this, Lucas!” he warned him. 

Lucas stopped and Kes reached for him, facing him. 

“there’s something wrong, I can tell it,” he said “and the fact that after all we’ve been through together you still don’t trust me enough to tell me what it is. I don’t want to be the friend with whom you drink and smoke but doesn’t know if you’re in trouble. So until you don’t decide to tell what the fuck is happening, don’t talk to me again. Goodbye”

Jens puked all the alcohol, the food, and even a bit of his soul in the pot outside the balcony, feeling his stomach twitch painfully. 

“Jens?” 

Jana knelt behind him, taking him by the forehead while he started puking again, coughing. She gave him a tissue and he took it, cleaning his face and muttering a mumbled  _ thank you. _

_“_ Jens I’m so sorry,” she said shaking her head “I shouldn’t have kissed you when you were this drunk. I’m really, really sorry”

“ _ I’ve  _ kissed  _ you _ and I shouldn’t have, too” he admitted, sniffing up, resting his head on the fresh wall behind him “I met someone else” 

“what?” Jana yelled, frowning. 

He nodded, sighing, and tilting his head back on the wall, whining. 

“Jens…” she sighed, a little resentful “you should have told me. I would have never kissed you”

“I kissed you” he repeated.

“well I kissed you back and if I knew that you met another girl I would have never done it…”

Jens took a deep breath, blinking “it’s not a girl”

“This doesn’t change anything. You cheated on him, anyway” she replied “it’s not a good thing to do, you should know that”

“We took a break,” he told her, closing his eyes and licking his lips, “I thought that kissing you would have made me stop thinking about him a for a second, but I was wrong”

“Jesus, boys can be very idiots when they want. And even when they don't.” she sighed, shaking her head with maternal disappointment “what happened?” 

“it’s damn complicated” 

“well” she considered, looking at the starry sky “I don’t feel like coming back to the party, so…”

He swallowed. 

“we’ve been dating for a month,” he told her “everything was good between us, more than good, but then… I broke up with him”

“why?” 

“I don’t know…it seemed a wise decision, days ago, but now I feel like an idiot for letting him go just because I was afraid”

“afraid of what?”

Jens shrugged “hurt him, getting hurt…I don’t even know now. It all seems so trivial, now that I miss him so much and I want to talk to him so badly but I don’t want to seem stupid”

“and why keeping avoiding him when you want him should be smart, according to you?” 

“Nothing I do seems so smart, lately”

“your a threat to yourself, Jens Stoeffles” Jana laughed at him, slowly shaking his head “come on, let me see this boy”

Jens picked his phone and showed her a picture of Lucas he took when they were at the skate park, the day when he met the boys. 

“wow…” Jana admitted, widening her eyes in an admired expression “not bad, not bad at all” raising her hand for a high five. 

“he is very handsome” she continued “amazing eyes”

“too bad I’ve let him go” he admitted. 

“you didn’t let him go, you idiot” Jana pointed out “open his chat”

“what?”

“open. His. Chat” she repeated, slowly “let’s fix this mess” 

Lucas walked home from the skate park, with his hands in his pocket, his fists closed and clenched, his knuckles white from the lack of blood. White as Lucas imagined his heart at that moment.

In that moments he understood why Isa kept him away when she broke up with Kes, she didn’t want to know if Kes was kissing someone at a stupid party. 

He should have blocked his friends, how could he be that stupid? 

He deserved that heartbreak. 

He has spent the last day blaming himself for making Jens run away, but it wasn’t his fault, after all, Jens simply wanted to play around, free.

All that shit about being honest with his friend. He made him feel guilty for not wanting to tell his friends about them, while the only thing he wanted was to make out with some casual girl at a party. 

He wanted to shout all the doors in his house, throw at the wall all his plates, make so much noise to shut his thoughts, but he didn't want to wake his mother and it was all so frustrating. 

His phone ringed and he hoped it wasn’t Kes. 

It was even worse. 

**J: I know I shouldn’t text you, I know that maybe I've hurt you, even though it was all I was trying to avoid, believe me. The thing is that I haven’t realized how much I care about you until I’ve lost you. Can we talk one of these days? Face to face, I can come to Utrecht, if you want.**

_ He must be kidding me. _

Maybe he should have waited until he had digested the rage, but he wasn’t sane enough to think at that moment.

**L: Go fuck yourself, Jens. Honestly.**

  
  



	10. 10 Chapter

_ But do not ask the price I pay   
I must live with my quiet rage   
Tame the ghosts in my head   
That run wild and wish me dead   
Should you shake my ash to the wind   
Lord forget all of my sins   
And let me die where I lie   
Beneath the curse of these lovers eyes _

_ Lover's Eyes-Mumford & Sons _

Lucas walked through the schoolyard with his headphones on. It was the only way to not think.

He had arrived a little late at school, on purpose, so he didn’t have to see his friends. 

He knew it wasn’t the right way to cope, but only the thought of finding himself with other people, forced to smile and act like his life wasn’t going in pieces, made him want to puke and jump school.

But they were there. 

Liv, Isa, Jayden, Engel, Janna, and Kes. 

_ Kes.  _

His heart stopped in the exact moment his eyes flew on him, he swallowed, feeling for the first time in days the need to speak.

It could be easy. Going there, opening his mouth and speak. 

_ I’m… _

_ I like…  _

_ I met… _

He swallowed, fixed his backpack, and turned his back, walking away. 

When Lucas opened the front door of his house, after hours spent around the city, walking without a destination, waiting for midday so he could come back at home, he immediately recognized the scent filling the room. He sniffed, closing his eyes. 

“Mom?” he called. 

“in the kitchen!” 

The kitchen was even more fragrant than the living room; he saw his mother smiling at him, with her apron on, mixing the dough on the table. 

It was strange seeing her baking again, he has seen her doing it for years, and when he thought about her, he imagined her like that, baking with an apron on, all covered in flour. But it has been a lot since he last saw her bake something. During the depressive episodes, she was too weak to bake and during manic episodes, she was too… everything. 

“strudel with whipped cream” she declared, beaming “your favorite”

He smiled, taking off his backpack. 

“you haven’t eaten much these days” she considered “so I made you something you like. Do you still like it?”

“Yeah, of course,” Lucas admitted, sitting and dipping his fingers in the cream, licking it “but I’m not that hungry”

“you don’t have to be hungry for eating a dessert” his mother insisted “You know... this morning I saw that movie you used to watch again and again, many years ago…  _ Hugo Cabret _ , right?”

“a great movie” Lucas agreed. 

“I loved it!” she admitted “cute metaphor…” she considered, then, tasting the cream, nodding. 

“for what?” he demanded, frowning. 

“well, for… life” she said, shrugging with one shoulder. 

“what do you mean?”

“I mean…” she began “he repairs clocks and mechanical things because he is alone, he likes them because every piece is useful to the other, everything works together. We should see the world as a big clock… we need every piece of that clock to work… are you following me?”

“ehm... I think?” he admitted, frowning, 

“it’s like a strudel” she explained, mixing the creme in the bowl “egg, apple, flour, sugar… different things coming from different places, they haven’t the same shape, color, size: apparently incompatible. But all together, they make something delicious” 

Lucas swallowed, his eyes steady on the apple peels on the table. Apple. Egg. Flour. Sugar. 

“Did I say something wrong?” the woman asked “you seem worried”

The boy looked at his mother, shaking his head as he was waking up from a dream. 

“no, actually” he admitted “sorry, mum. I need to go, now”

Lucas took two steps back after he knocked at his best friend’s door. 

The scent coming from the bag he was holding was making his stomach clench, even more than the agitation itself. 

He swallowed when he clearly felt Kes’ steps, behind the door, starting to think that he could have even ignored him, not opening the door at all. Lucas couldn't have even blamed him if he would have done it: he has been the worst best friend, with Kes, with _everyone,_ all for someone who didn’t even care about him so much to wait a week before hitting on someone else. 

When he heard the door opening, he took a sigh of relief, seeing Kes in front of him, his arms crossed in his chest. 

“hi,” Lucas muttered, weaving. 

“hi,” the other replied, sharp “what are you doing here?”

“missing your ugly face” Lucas replied, smirking “may I come in?” 

“it depends” Kes considered, glancing at the bag in Lucas’ hands “do you have something for me?”

Lucas smiled “kebab”

“with fries?”

“obviously”

“and the mayonnaise?”

“pfff” Lucas scoffed “do I seem the guy who takes the fries without mayonnaise?”

Kes smiled slightly, shaking his head “come in, idiot”

“so…” Kes started, a few minutes later, playing with the can of coke in front of him “do you have to tell me something?”

Lucas swallowed, his stomach clenched in the exact moment Kes finished the phrase. He knew he had to talk to him about everything and deep inside of his soul he was even well aware that Kes would have never had something against it. But the boy in front of him was his best friend, the person who knew him better, telling all the truth would have made the thing… real, undeniable,  _ definitive.  _

His palms were already sweating and his lungs suddenly seemed to not be able to contain all the oxygen he needed. 

He took a deep breath, like when he had to dive in the lake from the branch of a tree when he was little.

“I have some problems…” he started. 

“yeah, I figured” the other interrupted him.

“…with someone I like” 

Kes frowned "I didn't even know you liked someone..."

"yeah..." Lucas sighed, licking his dry lips.

"and who?" he asked "no, wait... let me guess"

"I highly doubt you can guess it" Lucas warned him, smirking. 

"give some credit" Kes replied, chuckling "so...first, a girl or a boy?"

A sudden wave of heat invaded Lucas' body "excuse me?"

"the person you like..." Kes repeated, "is it a boy or a girl?"

"w-why do you ask me?" Lucas stuttered, his tongue stumbling on itself. 

"to narrow the field?" his friend pointed out like it was obvious.

"it's a boy"  Lucas finally stated, fast, clumsy, the cheeks flushed and the heart beating in his ears, but he said it. Out loud. 

And it was fucking amazing. 

He felt almost the need to repeat it, over and over again, but he was too busy fathoming the reaction of Kes’ face. 

“and why do you have problems with him?” he asked, still chewing “what did he do?”

Lucas blinked, frowning “that’s it?”

Kes seemed to ponder a little bit “no, actually. First things first. Who is this guy? Does he come to our school? Do I know him?”

“ehm… not properly” Lucas tried to explain. 

“is it… me?” Kes asked, raising one eyebrow.

The other boy burst into laughs “what?! No!”

“oh sorry, man” he considered, raising his arms “am I not enough for you?”

Lucas shook his head, shrugging and smiling, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks “what can I say? I’ve higher standards”

The boy showed him his middle finger, chuckling. 

“so who is he, then?” he insisted, then he frowned, looking at the void “wait… higher standards… that tall guy from the party! You were making eye candy to each other when I found you”

He nodded, biting at his lips while glancing at his friend. 

“not bad at all” he admitted, sipping on his coke.

Lucas laughed, covering his face with the palm of his hand. 

“why wouldn’t you tell me about it?” 

“I don’t know…” he replied “I didn’t want to make things… official, I was afraid”

“of what?”

“being judged, pushed away, laughed at” 

“Luc…” his friend began, sighing “I’ve never judged, pushed away, or laughed at anyone in my entire life. I’m not starting with you”

The other boy remained in silence, relishing in the new atmosphere that flitted in the room. 

“now I have to meet him, absolutely” Kes stated.

“I don’t think it’s possible…” he sighed, sadly. 

“well, make it possible, because you can’t see him until I’ve met and approved him” Kes warned him, serious “I’m not letting you date some random guy I don’t even know”

“we…” Lucas started, sighing, blinking nervously and playing with the edge of his sweater “we are not together anymore”

“why?”

“he said that we needed to take a break because I didn’t want to come out with you and the others…” he started “but then I saw him on Instagram while he was kissing a girl at a party. And after I got home he even texted me that he missed me”

“asshole”

Lucas raised the eyebrows “yeah…”

“but now you’re coming out”

“for me, not for him”

“well done” Kes complimented him with a proud smile. 

“How are you, now?” the boy asked, then. 

“honestly?” 

“no, lie to me” Kes replied, rolling his eyes “of course, honestly!”

“like shit” Lucas admitted.

“how much?”

“I’ve spent the last three nights listening to Lana del Rey” 

“ouch” Kes commented, hissing “listen, why don’t we do something this weekend? We can call the others, or just the two of us if you prefer…”

“my mother won’t be at home, from tomorrow until Sunday. We can do something at my place with the others, nothing too intense”

“pizza and movie?”

“approved”

“great” Kes accepted “now, let me see this Slanderman…”

“he is not that tall…”

“he is, bro” he insisted “I don’t even know how can you two talk, even though I don’t think you talk a lot…”

Lucas shoved him, laughing, feeling suddenly light as a feather. 

Jens was pretty happy his father took his brother to a trip, so he could have the whole apartment for himself, laying on the couch all the weekend, binging  _ The Witcher, _ finally playing  _ Uncharted  _ without Anton making questions about literally everything. 

He was lesser happy his father took his brother on a trip, _ without even telling him.  _

He discovered everything when he saw Anton making the bags and telling him that he was sad he couldn’t come, though he hasn’t been invited at all. 

And actually, laying all alone on the couch all day was pretty boring after the first afternoon, T _ he Witcher _ wasn’t that interesting without Anton explaining everything he read from the books and  _ Uncharted _ wasn’t the same without Anton dubbing the characters. 

He has been browsing the Netflix catalog absentmindedly for all the Friday afternoon, deliberately ignoring all the calls and texts that weren’t from Lucas. Which means every call and text. 

He tried to call him but he has blocked him practically  _ everywhere _ . He was probably even on a no-fly list for The Netherlands.

So all he could do was repeatedly refreshing Kes' profile, stalking a boy he didn’t even know, but already hated. 

The day before, Kes posted a picture of him and Lucas eating together at his house and Jens shoved his physics book against the wall, angrily. If only he hasn’t been that stupid, it could have been  _ him,  _ it should have been him. __

He could have been on that couch with Lucas, smelling his scent from his hair and not from his own sweatshirt, on which Lucas fell asleep two weeks before. 

He heard the doorbell ring and he lazily walked towards it to open it. 

He wasn’t expecting anyone, so his heart started pounding in his chest with a hope he didn’t even know where it came from. 

“Robbe…” he said opening the door and watching his friend in front of him “what are you doing here?”

“hi, Jens,” his friend said, “I’m okay, thanks for asking…”

Jens sighed “sorry…” 

“don’t worry,” the boy said, taking off his jacket “are you alone?”

“yes…” he replied, hoping that Robbe wouldn’t ask anything else.

“How are you?” his friend demanded while sitting on his couch, glancing at the amount of trash food on the table. 

Jens shrugged “I’m starting to get used at the idea…”

“no, you’re not…” Robbe contradicted him “I’ve never seen you worse than this…”

“Thanks, man”

Robbe sighed, looking at him with his big brown eyes “do you want to call him? You two need to talk...”

“I know…” Jens considered, closing his eyes and tilting his head back, rubbing his face with his hands “but he blocked me  _ everywhere.  _ I have more chances to talk with the Queen of England than with him…”

He felt something hitting his thighs and opened his eyes, confused. 

Robbe’s phone was lying on his thighs, while his friend was looking at him with a smirk.

“he didn’t block  _ me”  _

“where’s your mother, again?” Kes asked while they were settling all the beers in the fridge “fuck, this is harder than Tetris…”

“Lourdes…” Lucas replied, raising his eyebrows and holding a laugh. 

There was a time of his life where he actually had enjoyed going to church with his mother, but now when he thought about religion, all he could relive was his mother praying out loud in the night, his neighbors calling to protest, his helplessness against all of that. 

Kes smiled at him, cursing against Lucas’ little fridge. 

“do the others know…” Lucas asked casually. 

“I don’t think so, honestly…” Kes admitted “Janna still hope to have chances with you”

“Liv and Isa saw him there, once”

“They haven’t said anything”

Lucas heard his phone ringing on the table and he swore under his breath. 

“can you take my phone?” he said to Kes.

His friend turned around, while Lucas kept fighting with the large amount of food he had to put in the very little amount of space in the fridge. 

“It’s an unknown number,” Kes said “from Belgium” 

Lucas felt his heart in his chest, preventing him from swallowing or even breath. 

He looked at Kes with terror, his eyes wide open, his mouth slightly open. The only noise in the room was the constant ringing of his phone, invading his ear.

“Maybe it’s a call center or even a fraud…” his friend considered. 

“Jens is from Belgium” he simply stated. 

“from Belgium?!” Kes exclaimed, his eyes popping out “there wasn’t a boy in the entire Netherlands, that you had to pick a guy from fucking Belgium?”

“I can’t answer…” Lucas considered “I can’t speak to him”

Kes pushed on the green button “of course you can…”

Lucas picked the phone and put it near the ear, walking outside the kitchen. He needed to be alone. 

For a moment, he heard nothing but silence and a quiet breath from the other side of the line.

“Lucas?” he heard. 

“who is it?” Lucas asked, even though he could have recognized that voice even between 8 billion people. 

He closed himself in his room, without even switching on the lights.

“I think you know it”

“what do you want?” Lucas asked, neutral. 

“what do I want?” Jens almost yelled “talking to you! You blocked me everywhere…”

“you said you wanted a break…” Lucas considered, trying to remain neutral but hearing his voice and his stupid accent for the first time in days was making him give in. It was like all the words he said to him only in his mind were desperately trying to escape from his mouth. 

“I also said that I regretted it…” Jens pointed out. 

“and what did you expect me to do, then? Forget everything and come back to you like a puppet? Waiting for your next existential crisis?”

“I’m sorry, Lucas…”

“Yeah, that’s the least you can do” Lucas spat out, angrily.

“Luc…” Jens whispered, soft like a prayer. 

“don’t call me like that”

“I miss you” Jens finally said in a breath. 

Lucas sighed, almost in a quiet, desperate whimper, and leaned his forehead on the wooden door. He closed his eyes, clenching his fist around the handle.

Stupid boy, who made him fall in love like he has never been and who made him suffer like he never had, like no one ever had. 

“I wish I don't miss you” he admitted, biting his lips afterward “but look at the bright side, at least you can always make out with your ex at a party”

And he hung up. 

Lucas heard some voices outside his room, his guests were there. 

Inviting them was the least he could do after disappearing for weeks, too busy with his new boyfriends, at first, and then too busy curling in his own pain and suffering. 

But he now he wanted to take his old life back: a life made of his friends, plans with his mother, parties and movie night. 

Lucas looked at the mirror next to the door and stared at his reflection, taking a deep breath.

“you like boys,” he said to himself “you’ve always done. And you have a big crush on an idiot from Belgium, but it will pass, sooner or later”

He took his phone from his pocket, biting his lips. 

**Unblock Jens?**

**Yes.**

**What did you want me to say? You hurt me. Badly. And I know I hurt you too, but at least I apologized, plenty of times. You kissed someone else and I had to find out about it from a damn Instagram story. And then you even said that you missed me without mentioning the little particular that not so many hours before your lips were on someone else, you didn’t say anything like I didn’t even deserve to know it.**

**It made me feel like WE didn’t mean anything to you. Like** **_I_ ** **didn’t mean anything to you.**

“he knows about Jana…” Jens whispered, shocked. 

“what?” Robbe asked, frowning “how does he know about her?”

“he said he saw an Instagram story…” Jens replied, sitting on the couch, taking his head in his hands “I should have told him… I’m an idiot”

When his phone had ringed, he took it so rapidly that Robbe didn’t almost see him doing it. 

Jens red his message, swallowing. 

“I’m going to Utrecht” he stated “tonight”

He walked towards his room, searching for his backpack. 

“what?” Robbe exclaimed, frowning, following him around his room “Jens you can’t leave now, you won’t find a train”

“There is a train in half of an hour” 

“you won’t make it” 

“what should I do, then?” Jens shout, exasperated “I fucked up everything. I messed up the only thing that made me feel myself again since my mother died, and if I do not get him back as soon as possible, or at least try, I will hate myself forever. And if I have to spend the night in a fucking station, sleeping on the floor, I will gladly do it because I can’t lose him. I simply can’t”

Robbe sighed “wait. Maybe Sander can give us a lift. He has his parent’s car…” 

Jens swallowed: the things between him and Sander were a little… difficult, to use a euphemism, but he knew that Sander was the only way to get quickly to Utrecht. And he knew that that was the only chance he had to ask sorry to him, as well. 

Twenty minutes later he was alone with Sander, in his car, waiting for Robbe to pick his things. Sander was keeping his hands on the steering wheel, his jaws clenched and his look neutral. 

“Thank you for tonight…” Jens began “I don’t know what I would have done without you…”

"everything for my boyfriend's best friend..." Sander said, neutral, his jaw clenched.

"you stopped being just my best friend's boyfriend a long ago, you know"

"that's not what you said that night" Sander pointed out, looking at Robbe's window "and I don't even know why we are talking about it, anyway. It's not that I care too much..."

Jens remained silent, looking at his hands.

“And I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for Robbe” Sander specified “and even for Lucas…”

Jens nodded, biting his lips, then he took a breath.

“listen, about Friday night…” he tried to explain. 

“Like I just said, it doesn’t matter” Sander shushed him, then he looked at him through the mirror of his car “and don’t you dare to talk about it with Robbe”

He didn’t even remember the last time his house was full of so many people: Isa, Liv, Noah, Jayden, Janna and Engel were all there, even though he hasn’t been the best friend, lately. They were all there, sat in his living room, around his table, eating chips, smoking, and drinking. For a moment, there was no Jens, no heartbreak, just his old, usual, light self with his chaotic friends. 

“all okay?” Kes asked, glancing at his phone. Lucas nodded. 

“have you made up things?”

Lucas shook his head, with a sad smile and Kes ruffled his hair.

“what are you talking about?” Isa stepped in, sipping at his beer. 

Immediately, their eyes were all on Lucas, who swallowed.

They were all looking at him, with curiosity mixed with confusion. Lucas took a deep breath, and because it didn’t work out, he took a sip of beer. 

“about the boy I like” he admitted candidly. 

When he looked at them, he didn’t really know what to expect. Shock? Hate? Disgust? 

But they kept eating the chips, drinking, waiting for him to go on. 

“Why?” Jayden asked, stuffing a fist of chips in his mouth “what happened?”

Lucas swallowed, exchanging a look with Kes who encouraged him with a smile. 

“he kissed his ex when we were taking a break, but then he texted me that he missed me, without telling me about her”

The silence that he created in his room wasn’t embarrassing, at all. It was more like  _ meditative. _

He could hear their brains work while they were loudly chewing on the chips.

The first to talk was obviously Jayden. 

“so… he kissed his ex and then reach out for you without telling you about the kiss?”

“yeah, exactly”

“what a piece of shit…” Jayden commented, lost in thought. 

“Jay…” Isa whispered. 

“what?” Jayden said shrugging “that fucker cheated on him! I have to hate him…you know, friends duties”

They all laughed, including Lucas. 

“who is this guy?” Isa asked, biting on the edge of his glass. 

“the boy that was with me when you brought me the soup…”

“I knew it,” she said, glancing at Liv, they must have talked about it with each other “you were too close to be strangers”

“he is hot, anyway” Liv suggested, while Noah smiled next to her. 

“Your boyfriend thinks exactly the same…” Lucas said, glancing at Noah.

Liv turned to him, with a fake shocked expression that was more amused than surprised. 

“you knew it?” she asked, giving him a light punch in his stomach.

Noah shrugged “I caught them kissing at the station. Perfect _ Casablanca _ style” 

“yeah, in fact, now it’s all over, so…” Lucas shrugged. 

“bullshit”

They all glanced at Janna, who had his mouth full of chips and was staring back at them like a deer surprised by the lights of a car.

“What?” she said with his mouth full. 

“bullshit?” Lucas asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“yeah” she repeated, nodding energetically “you like him and don’t try to deny it. So it’s stupid keeping ignoring him just because he kissed someone else. Okay, it’s a bad thing, but… I mean… maybe he has something to say about it. Losing someone because he betrayed some old, dusty, principle is stupid. Are you stupid, Lucas?”

After that statement, no one else had the courage to add anything else. 

Two hours later, the topic  _ Jens  _ was completely forgotten, they were listening to some music, smoking and waiting for the pizza. 

“I’m going” Isa offered when they heard the doorbell “this must be the pizza…” 

“the money are on the sill!” Lucas screamed, watching Isa approaching the front door, that was visible from the living room.

“Nothing?” Kes asked when he caught Lucas glancing at his phone again. He shook his head and Kes ruffled his hair. 

“Luc?!” he heard from Isa “Lucas?”

“what?” he asked.

“Can you come over?”

He sighed, rolling his eyes, his legs aching after being crossed on the floor all this time. 

He walked through the corridor, watching Isa standing up next to the open door, she was watching outside with an awkward look. 

When he looked out his heart stopped before his eyes could register what they were seeing. 

It was like the floor has just been put off from under his feet, and the only thing to do was falling down. He swallowed, while he was thinking he must have finished all the oxygen in his lungs. 

“hi,” Jens said, waving his hand casually. 

He had his old, gray sweatshirt on, with the hood on his head.

He was shaking while clenching, and relaxing his jaws.

“hi,” Lucas whispered. 

Jens has come there with a precise plan, he had planned his speech for the all trip, but when he found Lucas in front of him, even more beautiful than what he remembered, he forgot everything. 

He was there, after days of ghosting he was finally there in front of him, in flesh and bones, and the only thing he wanted to do was taking him by his hair and kissing him until convincing him that there was no one else for him than  _ him _ .

But there was that girl with curls between them and Jens really feared that he would pretend he didn’t know him, again. 

“I didn’t want to bother, sorry” Jens admitted and Lucas would have wanted to say something, but all he could do was staring at the dark strands of black hair escaping from the hood. 

“no, no” the girl said, quickly “you’re not bothering. We were… going away…”

She turned to the corridor with the hand next to her mouth. 

“guys, it’s time to go!” she screamed, leaving them alone while she was calling all of their friends, literally kicking them out of Lucas' house. 

Lucas couldn’t help but glance at him, secretly. Jens was staring at him, too, but not secretly like him, he was staring at him without shame, proudly, like he ever did. 

Lucas was about to say something when he saw all of his friends wearing their jackets, confused, protesting against Isa who was pushing them outside gracelessly.

“what the fuck is happening?” Kes said, stopping himself once he was on the doorstep, in front of Jens. The two boys looked at each other with inquiring looks, both trying to read the other. 

“he is not the delivery guy, right?” he asked Lucas, pointing at Jens. 

“no, he’s not” Lucas replied, while Jens was slowly shaking his head with a frozen smile, in response. 

Kes winked at Lucas, while they all stopped protesting, coordinately going out from his house, giving him encouraging looks and gestures. 

Lucas waited until his friends were disappeared before looking at Jens, noticing that he was glancing at them, too, with his neck turned. 

When their eyes met again, Lucas sighed: he was so mad at him, he had no right to be there in front of him, looking so beautiful, his eyes had never seemed so deep, his lips so inviting.

Even though he looked amazing, Lucas couldn’t deny that he seemed also vulnerable like he had never seen him: trembling in his jacket, repeatedly licking his lips, not in a seductive way, though it awakened something in Lucas, anyway. 

“I didn’t know you had guests…” Jens looked at his feet, blinking. Lucas could almost see his insecurity. The regret of someone who made hundreds of kilometers just to meet someone that could have kicked you out.

“you would have known if you only had called before coming here…” 

“Sorry, it's just... I… needed to see you” he finally let out, looking him directly in his eyes. He wanted to play above board “may I come in?”

_ Yes.  _

“it depends…” Lucas challenged him. He appreciated the effort to come to Utrecht, even though he was uninvited, but if Jens thought that was enough, he was wrong “do you have something to tell me?”

Jens licked his lips, slightly smiling at the sight of the brief smirk that flashed on Lucas' lips. 

“actually, yes. I have something to tell you” Jens began, coming one step closer to Lucas, who took one step back, preventing him to come any closer. 

The other boy sighed. 

“I see you every time I close my eyes ” Jens’ voice was broken, uncertain, breathless “and I haven’t told you about that kiss because… it didn’t matter. It was finished in three seconds because the only thing I could think about was  _ you _ , Lucas. And it’s always pretty much like that since I met you and that scared the hell out of me because you can really, really hurt me. And please don’t do it, even though I probably deserve it”

Lucas swallowed back a tear, licking his lips. He took a step back, inviting Jens to enter with a slight nod. Jens smiled and stepped in, watching Lucas closing the door. 

They stayed one in front of the other for they don’t even know how much time, trying to regain all the looks they never shared in those two weeks apart. 

It was clearly at one point that Jens didn’t intend to do anything, he wanted Lucas to take the lead. 

In one rapid movement, Lucas took Jens' face in his hands and pulled him closer, finally crushing their lips together. 

They exhaled, at the same moment, or maybe it was even a chuckle. Jens surrounded Lucas’ lower back with his arms drawing him even closer, while Lucas pulled down his hood, slipping his fingers in Jens’ hair, finding them wet and messy under his fingertips. 

They stopped for a minute, rubbing their noses together and quietly laughing. 

“Hi” Lucas whispered on his lips. 

“Hi” Jens laughed, so near that Lucas could hear the noise coming from the deep of his throat.

Lucas stood up on his toes, leaning his fingers on Jens neck and starting to unzip his jacket, hypnotized by his Adam’s Apple going quickly up and down, dying to kiss it, bite it. 

He made the jacket slide from his shoulder, feeling Jens’ blazing look on him. 

His eyes have never seemed so dark and deep, all pupils. 

When Jens bent down his head to kiss him, Lucas’ mouth was already open, aching for a contact that has been denied for too long. 

The kiss became messy, clumsy and impatient very soon, their tongues fighting for the access at their mouths, their teeth clashing like sharp knives in a passionate fight, their feet working hard to not stumble while they were reaching out for Lucas’ room. 

Once they were inside, Lucas dared to sneak his hands under Jens sweatshirt, relishing in the sensation of his warm skin and the quick groan he elicited in the boy, who raised his arms in a clear invitation. 

Lucas made it in the attempt of taking off both Jens' sweatshirt and his t-shirt, but he wasn’t prepared at the sight of his bare chest, with his dark skin covered in goosebumps; he drove his index through all the muscles and the bones he could feel at the touch, feeling Jens tensing up and holding his breath. 

His fingers reached Jens’ sternum and the boy seemed to lose his mind, lifting Lucas’ head with his hands and slamming the boy against the closed door. 

He took Lucas from the waist and made him sitting on his desk, Lucas automatically opened his legs to make room for Jens and pulling him  closer. Jens freed him from his sweater and they both panted at the sensation of their bare skins touching; Lucas closed his eyes and raised his head to leave Jens as room as possible to kiss his neck.

Without stopping the kiss, Jens proceeded to unbutton Lucas jeans, sliding a hand inside and daring to touch him through the fabric of his boxer. 

Lucas was well aware that he was the most inexpert of them, and he was trying hard to hide that, but when he felt Jens finger surrounding his erection, he couldn’t hold a loud moan. 

"ooooh" he groaned. 

He rested his head in Jens' shoulder, dying from the embarrassment. 

“Sorry…” he simply said, swallowing “I wasn’t expecting that…”

Jens chuckled, gently taking him by his hair to make him look at him “it was pretty hot…”

“I think I’m just a little too overexcited…” Lucas admitted, panting.

“I’m not so different” Jens admitted looking down “let’s slow down a bit, okay?”

Lucas nodded. 

Jens smiled and rubbed their noses together, kissing him differently from before. It was patient, aching slow, their lips lazily caressing each other’s, their heads tilting rhythmically.

Lucas finally found the courage to kiss Jens' neck, relishing at the sensation of the boy wheezing under his lips. Jens seemed to like it so much that when Lucas sank his teeth on the soft flesh of his throat, voraciously sucking it, he felt the boy tensing up and taking his hand, squeezing it while he gasped loudly. 

“Luc…” he warned him “you’re not the only one that is overexcited here…” 

“sorry…” Lucas kissed softly the violet mark he left on his neck. 

Jens chuckled, taking the other face's in his hand, looking at him “you’re insanely beautiful…” he admitted, fixing a curled strand on his forehead and Lucas kissed the hand he was still holding. 

They slowed down again, both wondering for how much time they could have resisted before getting lost again in the fury of the moment. 

Jens took Lucas by his hips, pulling him down from the desk, trying to give him the space he needed, but Lucas grabbed him by his waist making their groin touch.

They panted in each other mouth, slightly moaning. 

“There are quicker ways to kill me” Jens grunted. 

“but not so pleasing…” Lucas added, biting his lips. 

They walked back to the bed, bursting into laughs when they gracelessly fell on the mattress, Lucas below Jens.

Jens didn’t lose any other time and immediately started to kiss the base of Lucas' neck, who had to grab his pillows with his hands to ground himself at something, trying not to think about the hot mouth that was kissing his way down to his belly and towards his waistband. 

“I’ve wanted to kiss you here since the night I met you” Jens muttered with his lips under his belly button. 

Lucas held his breath when he felt Jens’ fingers dropping his pants; he was really trying to stay in the moment, grounding himself enough to not end that moment too soon, but when he felt the boy’s mouth on him he lost his mind. 

“oooh my God” at that moment, he was happy that they hadn’t done anything when Jens was there while he had the fever and his mother was upstairs. He was pretty sure his moans would have woken even the dead. 

“do you want me to stop?” 

Lucas shook his head slowly, an arm on his eyes, licking his lips.

Jens continued, circling his erection with his warm tongue, making Lucas arching his spine like a snake, biting back his moans.

“don’t hold back” Jens ordered, resolutely “I like to hear you” 

That was enough for his poor nerves. 

“stop stop stop stop stop” Lucas warned him and Jens obeyed, looking at him with an interrogative look.

“This is not supposed to end until I have seen you naked”

Jens chuckled and laid on the bed with his arms over his head, in a silent invitation. 

Lucas didn’t know anything about all of this, but he had just received once of the best blowjob in the human history, or maybe only in  _ his  _ history _ ,  _ so he could at least do what he had just seen Jens do, plus one or two things he had always wanted to do to him. 

He kissed his chest, leaving a bite every now and then, giggling at how Jens' body stiffened, his mouth shut to hold back any noises. 

“don’t hold back” he ordered, smirking “I wanna hear you”

Jens smiled, looking at the ceiling in awe “don’t stop”

He obeyed and stopped only in front of Jens' boxers, cotton boxers that could seem sexy only on him. He touched the edge of his underwear, torn between the will to make him feel good and the fear of ruining everything.

“you… you don’t have to…”

Lucas left a quick kiss on his inner thigh, making him stiffen again “I want to”

Licking his lips he definitely undressed him, freeing his aching erection from his underwear. He took his time to watch it before opening his mouth and taking all of it. 

Jens gasped loudly, sitting up and slipping his hands through Lucas’ hair “don’t stop…” he begged. 

Lucas had no intention to stop, so he continued, doing exactly what Jens did to him minutes before, careful not to hurt him with his teeth.

He didn’t know if what he was doing was something good, but Jens was clenching one fist in the sheets and the other in Lucas’ hair, arching towards his mouth with his hips following his rhythm. 

“wait” he implored, taking Lucas face in his hands “I wanna finish together…”

Lucas nodded, he couldn’t resist any further. 

They laid with their head on the pillows and Jens leaned a hand on Lucas and the other imitated him. As soon as they began stroking each other, the atmosphere became almost flaming. 

Lucas couldn’t even see clearly, his eyes blinded by the pleasure of Jens’ hand on him, this was a thing he knew, a common ground for both of them, they were panting with their mouth open, teeth to teeth, swallowing their breaths and their moans until Lucas felt a familiar sensation in the stomach and in the head, Jens following him in the insane space of a pleasure they both had never experienced. 

It took many minutes to come back at the reality, heavy breathing with their eyes closed, his face towards the ceiling.

“Luc…?”

“yeah,” the boy whispered, his eyes still closed. He turned his head towards Jens, who was laying with his arm on his forehead, his cheeks flushed and his hair a little sticky in sweat. 

Jens smiled, sighing “I’m yours,  _ only _ yours” 

Lucas smiled back at him, leaning a hand on his cheek, warm and soft “and I’m yours” he assured him “ _ completely  _ yours”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I decided to change the rating from Mature to Explicit for obvious reasons.  
> Leave a comment if you liked it and thank you for all of the support.


	11. 11 Chapter

_ I wanna wake up   
With your weight by my side   
And I wanna think that   
You look good as you rise   
And I wanna turn to you   
Turn around by your side   
And I wanna think   
But not to say _

_ Let me face   
The sound and fury   
Let me face   
Hurricanes _

_ Hurricanes-Dido _

In all his inexperience, Lucas never knew how many times you could make love in one night. 

He felt like he was learning something new kiss after kiss, gasp after gasp, moan after moan. 

Slowly, he took the courage to not only repeating the things Jens was doing to him but tried to discover what Jens liked, carefully paying attention to his breaths, his movements, the tricks that made him bit his lips, hissing. 

They fell asleep when the sky wasn’t even dark anymore, they could have seen the first ray of sun springing up from the palaces in front of his room, if they only had looked outside, but they something better to look at. 

Lucas was the first to wake up when the light hit his eyes from the window still open.

He was facing Jens, still asleep, who had his left arm on Lucas' neck and his left leg around Lucas' hips, keeping him as closest as possible. 

Lucas moved towards him, delicately running his finger around Jens' face, all that sharp lines that he liked so much. 

“what the hell are you doing?” Jens had his eyes still closed and an adorable grumpy expression on his face that made Lucas burst in laughs. 

“admiring my last conquest” the laughter in Lucas’ voice made Jens open his eyes, smiling brightly in the sunlight.

“good morning” Lucas whispered.

Jens came closer, for a quick kiss “good morning”

“you know” Lucas' fingers were now tracing Jens' chest and belly “your skin is pretty sensitive for being so dark…” his fingers hesitated on one of the violet spots on Jens' hips. 

“It may happen when someone bites you merciless…” Jens pointed out, raising an eyebrow with a smirk on his face. 

“haven’t heard you complaining” Lucas came closer, stopping at a few centimeters from his mouth. 

“haven’t said I didn’t like it” Jens took him by his nape, luring him into a fired kiss. 

“what’s wrong?” 

Lucas seemed lost in his thoughts, while they were recovering from their last session, that left them breathless. 

They were laying on their backs and Lucas was watching the ceiling with a strange look. 

It wasn’t so strange for him, falling into that dark mood without an apparent reason, losing his lightness and getting caught in his mind, but Jens couldn’t help but worry. 

When Lucas turned, though, he was smiling: a bright, sincere smile that involved also his eyes and that was the only thing Jens saw for a moment. 

Lucas shrugged. 

“nothing… It’s just… it’s all so strange to me” the boy reflected looking at the ceiling “I’ve never thought I would have found myself in a moment like this…”

“what do you mean?” Jens turned on his side, to face him. Lucas imitated him, playing with the edge of the sheets. 

“I’ve always thought that I would have never had the courage to admit that I liked boys,  _ out loud _ . I was getting used to the idea that I would have lived a quiet life alone, or maybe finding even a nice girl that I would have never properly loved, and lived happily ever after. Last year I was listening to one of my friends talking about the boys he was meeting online and I was so jealous, I desperately wanted to be that open with myself, too…”

Lucas stopped but Jens knew he hadn’t finished, yet, so he waited, playing with his hair to calming him down. 

“…and now I’m in bed with you and yesterday I was talking to my friends about you like nothing was… I think I’m just not so used to be this…light”

Lucas gave him a rapidly glance and blushed heavily, closing his eyes “I’m too soft, I know”

Jens shook his head, chuckling “come here”

They made it out of bed at a shameful hour, when they were so hungry that they couldn’t even reason clearly. 

“these croissants are amazing” Jens was a loud eater just like Isa, but it didn’t bother him that much, nothing about him did. 

“you should try her strudel” Lucas was spreading the butter and the marmalade on his croissant. 

Thank God they had the croissants his mother left before leaving. Because frankly, none of them was willing to dress up and go out and his pantry was sadly empty like often happened since he met Jens. 

“she is a baker, right?” 

Lucas nodded “she took a year off, but lately she is feeling better, so… I hope maybe she will come back to work, soon”

“and your father?” 

“he owns a car dealership. But we don’t talk too much”

“yeah, fathers…” Jens whispered and then looked down, playing with his glass of orange juice. 

“Jens… something’s wrong?” Lucas asked, coming closer. 

The boy sighed, frowning with a sad expression on his face “I told my father about you, he… he… didn’t take it very well”

“what did he do?” 

“he said  _ you don’t become a faggot in a day,  _ or something similar…” Jens muttered, avoiding Lucas’ look, so the boy stood up, kneeling next to Jens' chair, taking him by his chin to make him look at him. 

“you’re amazing and he is an idiot, don’t let him make you think otherwise, okay?”

Jens smiled and breathed out his gloom “so I am amazing?”

Lucas rolled his eyes “I may have exaggerated...you’re… decent…”

He rose, turning to go washing the dishes. 

“where do you think you’re going?” Jens took him by his wrist, pulling him back on his lap and kissing him in one smooth movement. 

Leaving Lucas was difficult like it had never been, they kept kissing even when he already had one step on the train, the mechanic voice of the train warning them. They separated only when the doors were closing among them. 

Despite the lack of sleep for the last two days, Jens didn’t felt like going home and sleep. Actually, he was damn tired, but he knew he couldn’t sleep until he had done something.

He already went to that garage once or twice, Sander and Robbe bring him and the boys there to smoke and skate in peace, without others, and Jens knew that Sander usually went there on Sunday afternoon, he was only hoping that Robbe wasn’t there, too. 

He knocked at the back door, so he didn’t need to remember the signal. And luckily for him, Sander himself came opening. 

The blond boy gave him just a rapid glance and then clenched his jaw, looking serious. He looked terrifying when he was  _ that _ serious. 

“Robbe isn’t here” he simply said, neutral, proceeding to close the door right in Jens' face, who was faster than him and managed to stop the door with his foot. 

“I know…" the boy replied "I wasn’t looking for him, but for you”

Sander licked his lips and for a moment Jens was sure he would have slammed the door in his face, again, but the boy took a step back, letting him in. 

They walked into the garage and Sander gave him a mask without saying anything. 

“what brings you to your best friend’s boyfriend?” he asked, shaking a can of paint. 

Jens sighed “I’m sorry for what I said, I didn't even mean it..."

"of course you did" Sander interrupted him, sharp, without even looking at him.

"no, I didn't" Jens replied "I was...  I was drunk and I wasn’t in myself… And then you came in and told me all the things that I didn't want to hear but that were totally true... I made a lot of messes that night, with you, with Lucas and I’m really sorry”

“it’s not that important, anyway…” Sander thought out loud. 

“it is” Jens took a step forward towards him “Sander as I said the other night, you stopped being Robbe’s boyfriend a while ago, I consider you legitimately one of my closest friends”

“pfff” the blond scoffed shaking his head. 

“oh c’mon” he insisted, frustrated “I’ve liked you even before you and Robbe were together. And you were with my ex, this must mean something…”

Sander laughed under his mask. 

“you laughed, I heard you” he pointed out. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking, I don’t laugh. Ever” 

Jens could perfectly see Sander’s cheekbones lifting and the lines near his eyes. 

“you did when I told the joke about the kid and the howls”

Sander looked at him, slowly shaking his head, but he was clearly smiling. 

“I was having mercy” 

“Yeah, of course”

Jens sat next to him, offering him his hand “peace?”

Sander took it, rolling his eyes. 

“can I give you a piece of advice, this time?” Jens dared to ask. 

“go ahead” Sander was already coming back to his graffiti. 

“Robbe likes to pretend that nothing touches him, he pretends that everything is smooth for him but he is only a really good actor” Jens started and the boy quickly looked at him, turning his neck “he is scared, Sander. And I know you don’t approve that he had talked to me about what happened but he did it only because the secret was killing him. Go to the police, Sander. He would never go without you”

“going to the police won’t make any difference”

“it will” Jens contradicted him “it will for him and for the justice itself. And maybe you won’t solve anything, it's a possibility, but at least you tried. You can’t stay silent”

“We’ll go. I promise” 

Jens spitted on his hand, offering it to him. Sander chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I’m not taking it, bro.” the blond said, scoffing.

“yeah, comprehensible” 

They both laughed, awkwardly. 

“We got back together, you know?” Jens admitted “me and Lucas”

“Yeah, I can see it,” Sander said taking off his mask “don’t mess up things again, okay?”

“it’s impossible” Jens considered, shrugging “not now that I have such a guru”

The boy snorted and came back to his painting, giggling. 

“fuck…” Lucas was out of breath, laid on his bed, laughing at the ceiling. He could feel his wet hair stuck on his forehead and his nape, while his heart was drumming achingly in his chest. 

“are you there?”

The voice was coming from his phone abandoned on his bed while he was trying to recover.

He almost forgot that there was someone on the other side of the call, lost in the languor.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here…” he said, out of breath. 

He couldn’t believe that he had let Jens convince him to do something like  _ that.  _ And most of all, he couldn’t believe that he could like it so much: it was embarrassing only at the beginning, he wasn’t very familiar with all of that, but it quickly turned out to be one of the sexiest things he has ever done. 

“you look wasted, love”

Jens seemed breathless, too. His hair was messy like the nights he spent with Lucas and Lucas was only upset that it wasn’t  _ him,  _ who had messed them.

“you don’t look any better,  _ love”  _

It wasn’t anything new:  _ love.  _ They started almost casually, during one the nocturnal making out sessions, whispering it between one kiss and the other. Lucas didn’t think it would have become a thing,  _ love _ . 

“I miss you, Jens” 

Lucas preferred using their proper names when confessing something like that, though. It made it feel more real, personal. You can call love a lot of people in your life, but there would have been only one Jens Stoeffles in his life. 

“I miss you too, Luc” 

His phone ringed, and over Jens’ face appeared a message from someone he had almost forgotten.

**Dad: What are you doing these days?**

**I’d like to see you for a coffee.**

“what’s wrong?”

Lucas sighed, closing his eyes and putting his wrist on his forehead “Mr. Van Der Hayden”

“you’re the only Mr. Van Der Hayden I know…” 

“idiot” Lucas laughed, looking at Jens with still a shadow of that smirk he had before receiving the text “my father wants to see me for a coffee”

“And…?” the boy asked. 

“… I’m ignoring him like always” 

Jens shrugged, wearing the sad smile that shadowed his face every time his mind flew distractedly to his mother. Lately, it seemed like he had lost his father, too, who barely talked at him twice in almost three weeks: at least he had something like a family, before, even if his father was never at home and he was the one who had to take care of his brother, now he was all alone. He has never felt more orphan like the last days.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful…” Lucas admitted, shaking his head.

“you don’t have to apologize for something like that, Luc” Jens would have really loved to could lean a hand through that small screen and caress his face “it’s your right to not want to talk to him if you don’t want to”

“maybe I should, after all,” Lucas thought out loud “I’m in the mood for forgiving, these days”

His father gave him an appointment in a cafè not so distant from his house, so Lucas could take the bike, listening to the playlist Jens send him. 

Music was another common ground for them, they didn’t agree in movies and books, but music was something that built a bridge between their different lives. 

Mr. Van Der Hayden, as Lucas loved to call him sometimes, was already sat on one of the tables, outside the cafe, under a canopy; theirs was the only table occupied by someone, maybe for the cold weather.

“hi, Dad” he greeted him with more embarrassment than the one someone should have with his own father. 

“son…” the man said hugging him tightly, Lucas patted him shyly on the shoulder, smiling slightly. The man took him by his shoulders, tightening his fingers around his arms “look at you, a man!” 

Lucas nodded, laughing inside his mind, he was thin as an eleven years old’s kid and not so much taller, his father could have thought of a more realistic compliment. 

“sit, sit!” the man invited him.

As soon as they sat on the table, a waiter came to take their order. Lucas’ father took a black coffee and Lucas did the same, not wanting to think about it so much.

The conversation wasn’t very fluent, at first, Lucas was afraid he was trying to convince him to go with him and his new girlfriend, but then they started talking about school, his projects, his friends, and his father seemed particularly involved in the conversation. He has never stopped him, letting him talk about the new things in his life, Lucas showed him some videos Kes took of him while skating and his father seemed very proud. 

His mother wasn’t capable of listening like that, maybe only for at most five minutes, nothing more. He felt like a son for the first time in months. 

They even shared a piece of cake.

“Carla doesn’t want me to gain weight” his father explained. 

“is nice from her” Lucas admitted "she... she seems nice"

"oh, she is an angel, believe me" the man admitted, chuckling “maybe this weekend you could finally meet…”

Lucas swallowed, licking his lips and coughing. 

He didn't have any plans for the weekend, _ yet. _ He would probably have gone to find Jens in Antwerp, he missed going there, but they hadn't talked about it. 

“do you have plans, already?” his father asked, sipping at his coffee.

“no, actually. I…” Lucas was nervously rubbing his hands together “I am probably gonna visit someone…”

"someone special?"

Lucas nodded. 

His father laughed out loud, a deep, cavernous laugh “and what were you expecting before saying it? Who is she? Is she cute? Of course, she is!”

The boy licked his lips, swallowing “dad, actually... it’s… it's not a girl. It’s a boy. I have a boyfriend”

His father raised his eyebrows, widening his eyes, remaining in that comic expression for so much time that Lucas thought he was having an ictus. 

“dad?” 

“is it a joke, Lucas?” 

Lucas looked at the wooden table, it was dark with one or two clearer spots made by some liquids that must have fallen, or maybe the rain. 

The atmosphere was suddenly changed between them and Lucas' body must have noticed it, he felt his leg tingling and get warmer all of a sudden.

“Lucas, is this a stupid joke that teenagers like to do? Are there cameras?”

For a moment he thought that maybe it could have been better if he only pretended that that was actually a joke and forgot about his father once for all. But he knew he didn't owe anything to that man.

“I’m sorry if my sexuality is a joke to you” he stated, instead. 

He rose without a word, taking his hat, Jens’ hat, actually, that he was wearing pretty much every day and proceed to leave that meeting. 

“you’re not going anywhere” his father stopped him, taking him by the collar of his jacket, near the nape. Lucas shook him off, finding the man one step away from him. 

“Are you punishing me for something?” the man asked, “is this a silly kind of rebellion?”

“not everything is about you, you know?” Lucas replied, severe. 

“I shouldn’t have let you stay with your mother” the man come even closer to him “she couldn’t take care of a child, crazy as she is, and now I see the results”

“don’t even dare to speak about her” Lucas spitted out, his blood boiling in his veins “don’t you try”

“Okay, that’s it” his father declared resolute “you’re coming with me, at my place. You just need someone who can show you what a real man is”

“and you should be  _ that _ man?” Lucas laughed out loud “while you were having fun with your girlfriend I have taken care of mum all by myself! I’m more a man than you’ll ever b…”

The noise hit him before the pain itself and then he felt an iron taste invading his mouth. He brought his hand to his bottom lip and fount it covered in blood.

“you know what, dad?” he said, licking the blood away from his lip “I’m happy you don’t live with us, anymore. I prefer living with someone  _ crazy, _ rather than a piece of shit like you”

"WHAT?" Jens almost yelled. 

"Jens..." Lucas tried to speak, seeing the face of his boyfriend covered with rage and anger.

“What did he do?!” the boy asked again, still screaming.

Lucas could see the fury on his face even in the pixeled image of his computer. 

“Jens, calm down okay?” 

“I’m not calming down for fuck sake” this time Jens was properly yelling “that piece of shit... I will kill him, fuck, I swear I’m ripping… how could...”

“Jens,” Lucas repeated, firm “It was a slap, he acted like the idiot he has always been and now I know I don’t want to be near him anymore”

“what do you mean? He did this before?” 

“no, of course not” Lucas assured him. 

“Lucas…”   
“I swear!” the other promised with his hand upon his heart. 

Lucas could still see the sharp knuckles of Jens' hand and all he wanted to do was to move his hand and covering it with his, telling him that all was okay. 

Jens sighed “how are you now?” 

Lucas shrugged “I don’t know. I’m shocked, but also… not so surprised. I don’t know what I expected from him…”

“maybe comprehension…” Jens muttered. And Lucas knew he was really understanding him.

“We don’t need them” Lucas said.

“yeah, we don’t need anyone” the other smiled “we have each other, that’s the only things that matter”

“Luc” Jens began “do you want me to come?”

“I always do” Lucas smirked, biting his lips. 

The other rolled his eyes, laughing “I mean, do you want me to come over there?”

“I wish, but my mother is at home”

“maybe…” he proposed “maybe you can come with me in mountain… I have a house there, we can spend the weekend there”

Lucas grinned, ignoring the stinging in his lips “sounds like a plan”

Lucas took the first train to Antwerp after school, he had no intention to lose an entire afternoon he could have spent with Jens. 

During the trip he rested his head on the wet window, relishing at the sensation of the warm sunlight on his face. He hadn’t slept that much, the previous night, so he closed his eyes, admiring the complex designs that he could see under his closed eyelids and quickly fell asleep.

When he got off the train, he saw a tall figure waiting for him with an amused smile, warm as the Sun that had warmed him until five minutes before. 

He walked fast to reach him, coming immediately closer for a kiss, but Jens took him by his face, keeping him distant, examining the cut on his bottom lip. 

Lucas puffed, rolling his eyes.

“Jens…”

The boy pulled him in a tight embrace before he could even finish the phrase; Lucas stiffened, at first, holding a breath in surprise but then he breathed out, hugging him back. He felt the boy’s hand on his nape, grabbing his hair, while the other hand was strongly holding him on his back as if he was afraid that someone could come and took him from him.

“hey” Lucas’ voice was low in Jens’ ear, caressing his head through the fabric of the hoodie perpetually lowered on his head, he left a soft kiss on his cheek “I’m okay, now” 

When Lucas tried to pull out, to look at him, Jens refused to leave him, burying his nose deeper in his curls.

“does it hurt?” Jens didn’t seem out of breath like Lucas, while they were walking from the bus stop to the chalet “the cut?”

“not at all” he would have wanted to be able to reassure him better, but his lungs were empty and if he had added another single word he would have fainted on the ground, dead. 

“you should go jogging, love” Jens pointed out, 

“My entire life is basically jogging: running without an aim all day until I'll die” Lucas was finally understanding while Gandalf brought a damn cane on his trip to Mordor.

Jens laughed, though, and Lucas would have gladly died from apnea to see him laugh like that. 

“I’m glad my suffering amuses you so much” 

After ten minutes of walk, they finally made it to Jens' house and Lucas felt like Forrest Gump after he had run for three years, and probably he even looked like him. 

“ _ I’m a little tired _ ” he quoted and the disappointment was real when he saw the confused expression on Jens’ face. 

“you’ve never seen Forrest Gump?!” he asked. 

Jens shook his head, chuckling. 

“you know, maybe this relationship wasn’t a good idea, after all, I can’t be emotionally invested in someone who…”

Jens shut him with a kiss that tasted like the smirk that was invading their faces. Lucas smiled on his lips and drew him closer, taking him by his neck leaving a trail of kisses on the corner of Jens’ mouth, on his cheek, on his jawline and then he took his ear between his teeth, softly nipping it and the little earring, already expecting the reaction. 

Jens hissed, narrowing him between his body and the cold wall behind his back. 

It was a new thing he learned about him, the way bits on his ears and on his earring inflamed him, making lose his mind. 

“you’re playing dirty” Jens whispered, breathless “I wanted to show you the house, before jumping on each other” 

Lucas lifted his hands in the air, giving in “you can still do it if you want”

Jens bit his lip, the indecision clear on his face, and so was the flush on his cheeks and the arousal in his eyes. He quickly licked his lips and dove in his lips, like they were water and he was on fire. 

Jens brought him to the bedroom, without leaving his lips for a second, hitting tables, walls, wrong doors and almost stumbling in their own feet. 

Finally, he opened the door of the bedroom, shoving Lucas inside and kissing him against the closed door behind them. 

“This is… the bedroom” Jens commented between kisses. 

“you see… you’re already showing me a room…” Lucas replied removing Jens hoodie. 

“There is another room for guests…” now was Jens’ turn to remove Lucas' sweater and t-shirt at the same time, without ceasing to giving him needy and messy kisses. 

“and even a little porch…” Jens continued, taking off his shoes “and a garden…”

“shut up” Lucas said, pushing him on the bed. 

Jens bounced on the box springs, smirking at Lucas while he was coming closer. 

Lucas kissed him while they crawled to the pillows, the room filled with their breaths. Jens tried to unbutton his own jeans but Lucas prevented him from, taking his hands and kissing them, touching his knuckles with the point of his tongue always without leaving Jens’ gaze.

The Dutch boy traced the other's chest with wet kisses, blowing on the wet spots, enjoying the view of his boyfriend shivering under him; he continued his descent, slowly, insanely slowly, stopping every now and then to bite the soft flesh of his abdominals, couldn’t hold a smirk when he felt Jens’ body stiffening, while he hissed, arching his back. 

“do you want to kill me?” Jens asked, seeming already breathless, struggling to keep back a moan while he talked. 

“only if you ask me to” Lucas replied, giving him another soft bite.

Jens couldn’t lie. He loved that part of Lucas.

He loved how he could be a shy, clumsy boy in one moment and then an audacious, lustful seducer, who loved to play with his weak spots, once he had discovered them.

He was more experienced than him, he knew that, and he absolutely didn’t want to influence him on anything, in the bedroom: so he held himself, grabbing the headboard, letting his lover do whatever he pleased to him. He wanted him to choose everything by himself, what to do, what to try, the speed, the intensity: and he was doing amazing until now. 

A loud gasp escaped from his mouth when the head of his hardness hit Lucas’ throat.

“did I do something wrong?”

Jens wasn’t able to talk at the moment, too eager to continue what they had started. He energetically shook his head, with his eyes shut and panted when Lucas obeyed him. 

He was too close.

“Luc, stop” 

Lucas immediately stopped with a guilty expression on his little face. 

Jens took his face and kissed him, licking his lips like they were made of sweet honey. 

“if you… if you want we can… I brought…” Jens tried to explain himself. 

Lucas smiled on his lips, nodding. 

It was reassuring, seeing Jens so embarrassed and hesitant: it made him feel less insecure. Jens was always so smooth and that repeatedly reminded him that he was the inexpert one.  Jens already had experience with sex and pleasure, with girls, b ut  _ that  _ was something new for both of them, something none of them has ever done. 

It would have probably happened the previous week, if only they have had any precaution, so they simply gave up, enjoying what they could do. 

They had talked about it a lot, though, so that helped at that moment. 

“are you sure you want to…” Jens' voice was almost a whisper, he was on his side, next to Lucas who was laying on the bed, nervous like he has never been. 

He nodded, but Jens could easily see the nervousness on his face. 

“We don’t need to do anything, Luc”

“I’m just nervous” he admitted, “but I desperately want to do it. I want you”

Jens kissed him and smiled “Stop me if something makes you uncomfortable, okay?” 

Lucas nodded, feeling shivers on his bare skin. 

Jens smiled, looking at his lips, he leaned in rubbing their noses, something they did a lot of times, in silence, in his room. 

The kiss they shared was a quick one, noisy and could almost seem even innocent, if only they weren’t naked under the sheets; their tongues found the way to intrude, deepening the kiss, adding passion, expectation. 

Lucas dared to move a hand, quickly taking Jens in his hand; the boy, though, stopped that hand and intertwined their fingers. 

“if you touch me like this it will last lesser than a minute” the admission made Lucas laugh, kissing him again. 

“then touch  _ me _ ” Lucas suggested, finding the courage somewhere in his soul among all that arousal. 

Jens gladly obeyed, leaning a hand over him, passing his finger lightly on his hardness.

Lucas panted and arched his back when Jens tightened his grip. 

“do you like it?”

He nodded, licking his lips. 

“I like watching you like this” Jens admitted. 

The boy whined at the sound of his voice, that traveled from his ear to his groin.

Jens touched his cheek with the point of his tongue “I like watching you like this… all greedy and impatient…”

Lucas nodded, whining. 

“you’re so beautiful when you’re losing control”

Jens intended to kiss him slowly, but Lucas took him by his nape, luring him a kiss that almost made him come there and then. He knew his boyfriend was ready for a step forward so he put two fingers in front of his lips, without saying anything. And nothing could prepare him at the sight of Lucas licking and sucking them. 

He took them out of his mouth and brought his hand between his legs. The boy stiffened.

“keep talking” he ordered to Jens. 

“do you like my voice, do you?” he considered proudly “you’re so responsive to me, I can’t resist”

“Please, Jens”

“what do you want?” 

“Please don’t torture me any longer and fuck me already”

Lucas knew that he would have probably regretted talking to him like that, but at that moment he had Jens in front him, managing to put a condom on and that was the sexiest thing Lucas has ever seen in his life. His concentrated expression, the frown between his eyebrows, his lips parted enough to see his tongue. How could someone think that a moment like that would ruin the atmosphere? He was literally  _ vibrating _ in anticipation. 

“are you ready?”

“I was born ready” 

They chuckled, while Jens laid over him, using his elbows for leverage. 

Lucas hissed at the discomfort and Jens silenced him with a kiss, stroking his cock to make it easier for him. He was already adjusting to it. 

“all okay?”

He nodded “and you?”

Jens breathed, his eyes half-closed “yeah…”

His voice moved something in Lucas and he lifted his waist, meeting him, making them both gasp silently. 

“try to move a bit” Lucas suggested, curious.

When the other began to move, he hissed “slow” 

He obeyed, moving over him with aching slowness, tensing up from the fatigue and the control, the jaw clenched, the hair all sweaty. 

“if you only could see how beautiful you are right now…” Lucas admitted, moaning in pleasure for the first time since he has entered in him “move a bit faster”

“I can’t” Jens was breathless “I’d come”

Lucas lifted his head enough to kiss him, biting at his bottom lip and sucking it, eliciting a loud moan from him. 

“Luc…” he warned him. 

“don’t hold back” Lucas almost ordered, swaying his hips.

Jens shifted his weight on his left elbow, using his right hand to stroke him quickly.

“Do you really think I’d leave you behind?” he asked, smirking.

Lucas smiled, relishing in the sensation. Until it overwhelmed him and he could only see blank.

“Jens I’m close”

He quickened his movement “come for me”

That was enough for him, he shut his eyes, tensing up against him and he was almost sure he had even screamed. 

With a loud groan, the other boy froze, panting over Lucas’ mouth. 

Jens rolled onto his back and when Lucas found the courage to look at him, he was already looking at him. And they burst into laughs. 

Jens was looking at Lucas eating breakfast. The boy didn't notice him, though, too concentrated to notice his boyfriend from the other side of the table.

He was perched on the chair, one leg bent near to his chest, his hair curlier than ever, still wet from the shower they had that morning. He was keeping his eyes fixed on the book he was reading, frowning every now and then, keeping it open with his left hand, while he was eating a toast with peach’s marmalade on, Jens could barely see his tiny hands covered by his oversized sweater. 

Lucas asked if he could read during breakfast: he said it was a habit he had always had. Jens replied that he didn’t mind, of course, but he didn’t imagine how much he would have  _ liked _ it. It was like watching an exotic bird in his natural habitat, he was almost afraid to make noise and wakening him up from his trance.

“I can’t concentrate if you look at me like this” Lucas’ eyes left the pages only for one second, smiling at him while chewing the rusk. 

“I can’t not stare at you if you look like this” Jens raised an eyebrow, shrugging with fake innocence.

“I bet you say that to all” Lucas sighed, turning page, not without a last keen glance at Jens. 

“you know…” Jens started, changing the topic “when I came back to Antwerp, after the party, I regretted not having looked at you more closely when I had the chance. I could have waited until you fell asleep”

Lucas grinned, biting his lips “I haven’t slept all night”

“really? And what did you do all that time?”

The boy sighed, blushing “I may have looked at you sleeping…”

Jens smiled incredulously, widening his eyes “really?”

The other covered his face with a hand, embarrassed “yeah and I felt like a creep”

Jens stood up and walked to the other side of the round table on where they were sitting, he knelt right in front of Lucas, looking him from below. Lucas leaned down, meeting him halfway, forehead against forehead. 

“and what were you thinking while you were watching me?” he asked, one millimeter from his mouth, his warm breath going directly in Lucas’ mouth.

“you know very well…”

“I do not, actually” Jens whispered, shaking his head, making their noses touch. 

Lucas licked his lip, inhaling the clean scent of Jens, closing his eyes.

“look at me” Jens muttered in the soft, slow kiss he was giving to Lucas. He opened his eyes and Jens noticed how they were languid. 

“what were you thinking?” he repeated. 

“I wanted to kiss you, desperately” he finally admitted, forcing the other's mouth open with his tongue, savoring his palate, exactly like he wanted to do that night “… as if you didn’t want to do the same” 

“you’re totally right, love” he confessed with a lower voice that came directly from his dry throat, smirking “come with me” 

“where are we going?”

Jens didn’t reply, dragging him by his hand to a closed-door, turning to look at him with an amused smile. 

“what?” Lucas asked, confused. 

The other boy opened the door and pulled him inside a dark ambient. 

Lucas couldn’t see anything for a bit, but he smelled the scent of dust and humidity until Jens switched on the light and Lucas laughed. 

They were standing in a nasty cupboard full of green bottles and jars of only God knew what. 

“oh, I understand…” Lucas raised an eyebrow, surrounding Jens’ neck with his arms, in a loose embrace “this is the moment you kill me with a chainsaw. I haven’t recognized you without the mask”

Jens grinned, tucking his hands under Lucas’ sweater. He grabbed his hips and lifted him from the ground, pressing him against the wall, the other reacted enveloping his waist with his legs to keep himself steady. 

Lucas passed his lips from Jens’ chin to the tip of his nose, desperate to taste him, continuing to kiss him on his cheek, then his jaw, leaving one or two bites on his soft skin, then his ear, softly nipping his earlobe, licking his earring, relishing when he heard the soft groan the boy made. 

Jens let him go, kissing him one more time before kneeling in front of him, unbuttoning his pants, lowering his briefs, and taking him in his mouth in one impatient movement. 

Lucas closed his eyes and tilted his head back, moaning with a smile, grabbing his boyfriend’s dark hair to suggest him a specific rhythm that was making his skin crawl in pleasure. Jens moved away for a second, eliciting a whine from his eager boyfriend and took him by his hips, turning him around so he was facing the white wall, where he put his open palms.

“what are you…oooh” he breathed out, biting his lips, while Jens was lazily lingering the wet end of his tongue where Lucas would have never thought someone would. 

“Jesus…” he could only say, opening his mouth at the spasmodic search of air, his head towards the ceiling ecstatic. 

Jens loved the way Lucas moaned: he wasn’t a screamer, but his moans were loud enough for  _ him  _ to hear, he was the only one who could hear him whimper in pleasure. 

“don’t make me come like this…” the boy stated, breathless. 

The other boy stood up, kissing his nape. He picked a condom from his pocket, opening it with his teeth. Lucas was watching him with his mouth open, almost drooling

“what?” Jens asked, smirking. 

“so hot” 

Jens chuckled and kissed him “can I…?”

“ _ please”  _ the other implored him, whining. 

The boy pushed inside him with a sigh, closing his eyes while relishing the sensation of being inside him and the way the boy has become so confident, in barely one day. Lucas trusted him, he could see it and that was allowing both of them in trying new things every time they made love.

“We should have done this since the first time we met” Jens whispered in Lucas’ ear. 

He was thrusting inside of him strongly, knowing that if it wasn’t too much for Lucas, he would have told him, they already discussed it a lot. 

Lucas hummed loudly, while the other boy moved one hand on his erection, quickly stroking it, slipping the nose in the strands of hair on his nape.

“I should have fucked you like this that night” 

Jens knew the effect of his voice on Lucas, especially if whispered almost inaudibly in his ear. The boy tilted his head back, resting it on his boyfriend’s collarbone, pulling him closer with his hand behind his neck, meeting his thrust with his hip. The only sounds were Jens’ voice and the clinking of the bottles on the shelf. 

“you like my voice, don’t you?”

The other just nodded, turning his neck for a kiss: in that position, they could only made their lips touch, pulling out their tongues, desperate for a touch. 

Lucas was close, Jens could perfectly tell it, so he increased the energy of his thrust and his strokes while they both groaned, swallowing their moans, mouth to mouth. They came together, in the same moment and Lucas felt his legs weak and his head floating, the room spinning quickly around him. 

When they were both recovering, Lucas lazily turned around, tucking his head in Jens's shoulder, breathless and tired. He had to cling on his shoulder, to keep himself steady, Jens helped him, taking him by the little of his back, chuckling. 

“Jens?”

“hmmm?”

Lucas stayed in the same position, with his eyes closed, and he quietly whispered “I love you”

Jens felt like he has just been pulled to the ground by his feet while floating. He clearly remembered the last time he said  _ I love you:  _ he discovered that his girlfriend had cheated on him at a party with an idiot. 

But Lucas wasn’t Jana. 

“I love you too, Lucas”

They wanted to go out and take a walk, they really wanted to, but the thing is that it was raining outside and they were half-naked in bed, cuddling and laughing.

Jens asked Lucas to read out loud the book he was reading during breakfast,  _ High Fidelity _ . Lucas kept reading until he felt Jens breath heavier on his neck, snoring a bit; he chuckled at the sight of his boyfriend peacefully asleep and couldn’t resist kissing his forehead covered in dark hairs. 

After dinner, they sat in front of the fireplace, on the ground, Jens with his back rested on the couch and Lucas with the back on his chest, so tight that he could feel his heartbeat. 

“Luc…?”

“hmm?”

“I just realized I don’t know anything about your past relationships” 

Lucas frowned, lifting his head, meeting his eyes “you’re my first, you know…”

“Yeah, I’m your first boyfriend, but… have you ever liked someone, before me?”

The boy swallowed, shrugging. 

“you did… I should have imagined” Jens sighed, while he felt a vise tightening around his stomach  “what happened?”

“Nothing, really” Lucas admitted, leaning his head on his chest, taking his hand when he heard how fast his heart was drumming “he wasn’t interested in boys and it was becoming awful. That sentiment made me do things I’m ashamed of, I hurt people I really care about and I was feeling like shit… a not so happy time of my life” 

“and then?”

Lucas smiled, slowly tracing the lines on Jens’ palm “and then I went to a party and a hot stranger literally burned my skin…”

He raised his head to look at Jens, who was now sadly smiling “I know that you’ve been hurt badly, time ago” Lucas took him by his chin to make him look at him “but this is another story. This I promise to you”

When they woke up, in the middle of the night, they were in the same position in which they fell asleep, on the ground, hugged even tighter since the fire was out. It took a long time to notice that a phone was ringing. 

“It’s your phone” Jens muttered, still half asleep “who could call at three o’clock?”

Lucas searched for his phone with his hand, finding it under the couch.

“It's my dad. He made five calls…” he commented, his heart pounding in his chest ad his stomach clenching  “I'm calling him back” 

Lucas waited with his phone next to his ear, while Jens was dressing quickly, switching the lights. 

“Lucas…”

“dad? Is everything okay?” 

“no, it's not Lucas. Nothing is okay when you or your mother involved! I’ve called you five fucking times” his father shouted. 

“I was sleeping” Lucas replied. 

Jens came closer to hear what his father was saying “what happened?”

“come here, soon” the man stated, neutral “you’re mother made another mess. She is at the hospital”

And he hung, leaving the two boys looking at each other in the darkness of the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for updating so late. I hope you liked it anyway, let me know!


	12. 12 chapter

_ I will carry all your names  _

_ and I will carry all your shame _

_ Johnny Boy-Twenty One Pilots _

Lucas couldn’t even kiss him goodbye. 

There was only one train to Utrecht and he had to literally  _ jump  _ on it to not lose it. When he turned back to look at Jens, the doors were closing between them and he remained with his hands on the glass, a sad smile on his face, mouthing  _ I’m sorry.  _

Jens blew him a kiss and mimed a phone with his hand,  _ call me.  _ Lucas nodded, staring at him until the train left and he became too little and too far away. 

His feet found their way to the psychiatric ward by themselves, he didn’t even need to think. 

He found his father in the waiting room, a woman was resting her head on his shoulder, she had long and straight black hair, and was dressed as someone who has had to dress up quickly: a sweatshirt with a pair of leggings and sneakers at her feet. 

His father turned, as he had heard the steps on the pavement. 

Lucas was breathless, his hair messy, his pink sweater all wrinkled, and the signs of Jens’ fingers that were pinching on the rough fabric of the sweater. 

“Lucas,” his father said, standing up and coming next to him “where the fuck have you been?”

“it doesn’t matter” the boy quickly answered, glancing over the man’s shoulder with impatience “where is she? What happened? Why is she here? Why are  _ you  _ here?”

“she is here because that’s where she should be!” the man shouted, his face red “someone should have sent her here years before”

“don’t say that again…” Lucas warned him, sharp. 

“I say what I want, kid, she broke into my house, tonight!” 

Lucas widened his eyes, surprised, and shocked “she did what?”

“yeah, she broke into my house and she didn’t want to leave. We had to call the police and they called an ambulance to bring her here” 

“fuck…” Lucas whispered, sitting on a wooden chair and passing his hands through his hair. 

“where the fuck were you? Carla was terribly scared! Your mother almost assaulted her!”

“Viktor…” the woman with dark hair that was next to his father, and that Lucas assumed should have been the famous Carla, approached them, calmly “Viktor, stop, he is already scared enough…”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas said to that woman “I should have never…”

“it’s not your fault,” she said, shaking his head, with a kind smile. 

“ _ not his fault? _ ” the man quoted, in an angrier tone “he left her alone, she shouldn’t be left alone”

“I already said I’m sorry” Lucas intervened, with tears in his eyes. 

“I don’t give a fuck of your apologies, kid. If you can’t control her at least buy a muzzle and put that freak in a cage”

“Viktor!” Clara whispered, harsh. 

Lucas stood up, facing him, the rage was blinding his sight “what did you say?”

“what are you going to do?” the man said, giggling, mocking him “hit me? It takes a man to hit a m…”

Lucas couldn’t tell what he felt first, the anger in his stomach, his father’s groan, Clara’s scream, or his knuckles stinging. 

“enough!” Clara firmly said, putting herself between them, keeping them apart with her arms wide open. 

His father brought a hand on his bleeding nose, looking at Lucas like he was trash. 

“you’re just like her” he spitted. 

“thank God I’m not like you. Go away” Lucas ordered, glancing at the doors “and leave us in peace” 

Then he glanced at Clara “I’m really sorry for what happened. It will never happen again, you have my word”

His father giggled “your word…”

“shut up” the woman silenced him, “I think you’ve said enough, tonight” and then she turned to Lucas “it doesn’t matter, really. Take care of your mother, okay?” 

Lucas nodded, watching the couple leave. 

Then he leaned on the wall, slowly falling to the ground, sobbing silently. 

“excuse me? Excuse me?” 

Lucas jumped at the touch on his shoulder, quickly turning his head, realizing again where he was and why. In front of him, there was his mother’s psychiatrist, the hospital must have called her. 

He was still sat on the floor, realizing he fell asleep with his head between his knees. 

“Sorry, I… I fell asleep” 

“it doesn’t matter…” the doctor said with a kind smile “are you okay?”

Lucas stood up, nodding “how about my mother? What happened to her?” 

The doctor sighed “follow me”

She brought him in her office, a small room with her certifications on the walls “your mother broke into your father’s house… I don’t know what were her intentions but they called the police and an ambulance. She is fine now, but she resisted the paramedics and dislocated her wrist”

“what?”

“it’s nothing to worry about, they will remove the cast in two weeks… but there’s more” the doctor prepared him, serious, “until now, your mother has only had hypo-maniac episodes, but this time is different. This is a proper manic episode and I believe we should change her diagnosis in First Type Bipolar Disorder. She needs intensive psychiatric care, we’re currently working on changing her therapy”

“Can I see her?” Lucas asked. 

The doctor nodded. 

“Lucas, this is a huge work for a teenager, do you have an adult who could help you?” 

The boy nodded.

“fine,” she said, smiling “in case you need someone to talk to, I leave you this number…” she told him while writing a number on a piece of paper “it’s a psychologist, you can call her whenever you want if the situation would become too… overwhelming”

Lucas nodded, taking the piece of paper. 

“I’ll bring you to your mother” 

His mother was in a single room at the hospital, for precaution. The room was dark except for a little light near the bed, on the nightstand. Lucas had to come nearer to the bed to properly see her. 

When he saw her, he almost fell on his knees, gripped by the guilt. 

She seemed another person, thinner than when he had left for Antwerp two days before, she probably hasn’t eaten for days. 

She had a cast on her left wrist and a scratch on his cheekbone and he could only blame himself for that. 

He left her, he ran to his boyfriend when he had the chance, without even check if she was okay, he hasn’t considered either for a second that she could have been in danger, without him. Maybe if he only had checked on her, if he only had thought one second about her instead about himself, she would have been safe and sound at home, still whole. 

He has been reckless, careless, and even a little fool _. _

Everything seemed silly, at that moment: the trip, the chalet, the idea of a weekend out of town when he was the only one taking care of his mother. 

He came closer and caressed her curly hair, sighing at the sight of that red scratch on her light skin “what did they do to you?” he whispered, with a broken voice “what did  _ we _ do to you?” 

His father didn’t seem surprised when he saw his son walking through the door, even though Jens had told him that he would have been out until Sunday. 

Since their last fight, that evening, they haven’t talked so much: the man started even to take care of Anton, picking him up from school, taking him to the football training. Jens thought he would have been happy about that, but he was only…  _ empty _ . Taking care of Anton was a weight, but he liked his brother, he liked spending time with him and now he was alone. 

He waited for more than twelve hours in his room for a text that never came.

On Sunday afternoon his mental stability was on the verge of a breakdown, so he took his jacket and joined the boys at the skate park. 

He found them sat on the grass, enjoying the warm afternoon smoking and laughing with each other, Jens saw Moyo shoving Aaron and they all giggled, while Aaron was frowning. 

Robbe was laid with his head on Sander’s legs. 

Moyo was the first who noticed him, widening his eyes, surprised. 

“what are you doing here?” he asked chuckling “weren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?”

Jens sighed, shrugging, while he sat with his legs crossed. 

“I was... but then Lucas had to go back to Utrecht… family issues” he didn’t want to share a lot of details about Lucas and his family. 

“is all okay, now?” Sander asked and Jens read in his green eyes that he knew. Somehow he knew. 

The boy cleared his throat “actually, I haven’t heard from him since he left, so I don’t know what is happening right now. And I don’t know any of his friends… I would personally go to Utrecht if I hadn’t already lost a lot of days of school”

In the previous hours, Jens had visited Kes’ profile he didn’t even know how many times, tempted to follow him or write to ask him if he had heard something from Lucas. But he didn’t want to cross any boundary so he decided to wait: even if the wait was almost unbearable. 

“that guy has definitely something against technology…” Moyo commented, raising his eyebrows. 

When Moyo and Aaron went away, he didn’t wait a second before interrogating Sander.

“you knew it, right?” 

Sander nodded, with a sad smile “we talked about it the day we met him”

Robbe frowned, looking at both of them “know what?”

Sander glanced at Jens, nodding. If he couldn’t trust even Robbe, his life was meaningless. 

“Lucas’ mother is bipolar…” Jens sighed. 

“really? So what do you think might have happened?” Robbe tightened his shoulders, playing with his watch. 

“I don’t know” Jens admitted, puffing “I only know that I’m going insane. He had received a call from his father that night and he is a complete asshole, I don’t like the idea that he could be with him alone and he doesn’t reply at the phone and I’m worried” 

“did he block you again?” Sander asked.

“no” Jens nodded quickly, he didn’t even know what to think about that. The idea that he was deliberately avoiding his calls was one of the more comfortable, compared to the others where his father was preventing him to call him, or that his father could be generally involved in all of that. 

He and Sander shared a quick look “what should I do?”

“I don’t know, honestly… wait until Friday, if he hasn’t texted you, yet, go to Utrecht… in the meantime, keep texting him, if it makes you handle better the wait” 

  
  


**J: I went skating, today. I did the trick you taught me on our first date. I mean the trick with the skate, not the kiss, obviously.**

**J: watched Forrest Gump, we should give up on anything and go running for three years like him. Maybe growing a beard like that would be cool, but I don’t think neither of us will make it.**

**J: Today we studied The Peace of Utrecht. Ironic, right? It wasn’t like I could take you out of my mind, anyways**

**J: Lucas, honestly I feel like a stalker. Talking to you without a reply is making me going insane, please if you get these messages, text me back, even for telling me that you hate me and you don’t want to see me anymore, but at least let me know that you’re safe.**

**I miss you.**

**I love you.**

He was really trying to not think about him, but everything seemed to remind him of those blue eyes, or that little mole right above his lips, or the little birthmark on his shoulder. 

Taking a shower was the most difficult challenge: not only because of the really good memories about that but mostly because he had to look at the signs of Lucas’ fingers, lips, teeth all over his body. He had to force himself to not relive the sensation of those bites, or even better, the soft kiss that usually came after. 

He checked his phone: nothing. 

He threw that ridiculous device out of the bed, with the risk of breaking the glass, and laid on the bed, with his eyes closed. 

His heart was pounding in his chest, while his breath became shorter and shorter. 

It was only Wednesday, he had to wait at least two days until going personally to Utrecht and go find that boy. 

He buried his face in the pillow, screaming in frustration into the soft fabric. 

“Jens?” 

He heard his father’s voice outside the door, he was pretty sure he was at work, didn’t think he was there, too. 

“it’s all okay” he muttered “go away”

“can I come in?” the man asked “there’s something I want to tell you”

Jens sighed, his father has ignored him for the past weeks, pretending he wasn’t there but now the boy was curious about what the man could have wanted. Even though his tone promised nothing good.

“come in” he said. 

He heard the door opening and saw the light from the living room brightening his room for a second before his father closed the door and switched on the light on his desk. 

“are you sure you’re feeling well?” the man asked “it doesn’t seem like it, honestly”

Jens nodded, sitting on his bed, while his father was still near the door “what do you want?” 

“there’s not an easy way to tell it so I’ll keep it brief” the man began, looking at his shoes “I’m sorry… for what I told you”

Jens blinked a few times, confused “what?”

The man sighed, shutting his eyes like it was the most difficult thing he has done in his life. Jens couldn’t remember one time when he heard him apologize “what I said… it’s… It’s unforgivable. I shouldn’t have said something like that and I’m really…  _ really _ sorry about it”

“o-okay…” Jens stuttered a little embarrassed “It doesn’t matter, anyway…” 

“it does, instead” his father contradicted him “I… I spoke without even knowing what I was saying and I regretted instantly…I’m so sorry about it. I want you to know that you can be whatever you want in this house”

Jens found the courage to look at him, biting the inside of his cheek “and what made you change your idea?”

His father shrugged, slightly smiling in a gesture that reminded Jens of himself “I’m a man of science. I made researches…”

“about what?” the boy asked, scoffing. 

“about the LGBT community…” the man replied shrugging again. 

“you really did researches?” 

“and I read a lot about history and I even watched some really good movies… you should watch them, too”

Jens scoffed, imagining his father googling around.

“and why did you avoid me all these days, then?” he asked, shaking his head “you even went to grandma’s house without even telling me…”

“I was… afraid”

“afraid?” Jens quoted, widening his eyes. 

The man nodded, looking at the floor “after I told you those things, after I called you like that,” he began “the way you looked at me, I knew I hurt you and I’ve hated it. I was ashamed of myself” 

He stopped for a second.

“I’ve disappointed you and God knows I’ve disappointed your mother. She would kill me...would  _ have  _ killed me, if she had been there” Jens’ heart stopped after he heard about her, and he knew that his father was feeling the same “I couldn’t find the courage to talk to you and apologize… I was afraid of the look you gave me that day” he admitted, swallowing “I’m not good with words”

“Yeah, me neither…” Jens sighed, biting his lips. 

“the apple doesn't fall far from the tree” his father pointed out, smiling “listen, why don’t you invite your boyfriend for dinner one of these days? I would like to meet him. I promise I won’t cook” he tried to joke. 

Jens giggled, raising his eyebrows in a sad expression. 

“ouch,” his father hissed “sore point?” 

“it’s complicated” the boy cut short.

“are you okay?” his father came closer and sat with his son on the bed “like  _ really  _ okay?”

Jens shook his head slowly, looking at him, biting the inside of his cheek.

“do you want to talk about it?” his father asked.

The boy shook his head, he felt he had talked about it enough.

The man sighed, ruffling his son’s hair “I know exactly what you need” he began, standing up “I’m going to take Anton from football training, and then we’ll buy as much pizza as we can and we’ll watch  _ Jurassic Park  _ all together... What do you think?”

“sounds good” Jens admitted, nodding. 

“Nothing fixes a broken heart like some historically inaccurate prehistoric animals” the man assured him “believe me, I’m a cardiologist”

“you’ll never get tired of that joke, don’t you?” Jens commented, holding a laugh. 

“only when it’ll become less funny. In other words, no,  _ never” _

_ I miss you. _

_ I love you. _

Lucas couldn’t help but reading those texts again and again, holding back the desire to reply. 

_ I miss you, too.  _

_ I love you, too.  _

He desperately wanted to say.

Thinking about Jens all alone, worried about him, desperate to know where he was, was more painful than missing him itself. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to hear from him, those messages were a blessing for his aching heart. But he couldn’t ignore that the situation with his mother had worsened a lot, since her episode: he had never seen her that bad, even when his father left them. He had to take care of her, at that moment, it was his first priority. And it was damn challenging. 

He needed to make up his mind, decide what he wanted to do with Jens, with his life, with his mother, with everything; he didn’t feel like texting him that he loved him just for leaving him the next day because he couldn’t keep up with everything.

When he came back from the hospital, the morning after her mother’s hospitalization, to take a shower and clean clothes, his breath stopped at the sight of his living room and for a moment he really hoped that they had been robbed. 

It was empty. His house was empty. 

All their furniture was gone and the walls and the floor were filled with paper, all written by hand by his mother. 

He swore under his lips and took the jacket, riding his bike to the church. 

He found the priest in his office, he hadn’t been there since his first communion. 

“Yes?” the man asked, looking at him through his half-moon glasses. 

“Hello,” he said, coming in “I’m Lucas, Danielle’s son…”

“oh hi, Lucas!” the man declared, standing up and hugging him “how are you? You were so little when I last saw you…”

“I’m fine, thank you” Lucas cut short, not wanting to prolong the conversation “I’m here because I found my house empty, when I came back home, today, and I was wondering if my mother had brought here our stuff…”

The man smiled widely “oh yeah, you’re mother is a very generous woman, Lucas, you should be so proud of her” 

“I am. But the thing is that she wasn’t very aware of herself when she did it and now we don’t have anything at home, so I was thinking if we can have them back” 

“I am afraid this isn’t possible, Lucas” the priest sadly sighed “we’re opening a hostel for friars in pilgrimage and we’re using the things your mother generously donated us for that”

“Maybe I haven't explained myself” Lucas repeated, slowly “my house is empty,  _ completely _ empty… _ ” _

_ “ _ as I said, your mother is very generous” 

“my mother didn’t even know what she was doing” Lucas replied, clenching his jaw “and you know that”

“what are you trying to imply?” the man asked, offended. 

“that you took advantage of the situation, which is shameful. So here’s the thing: you give me back my stuff  _ or  _ I’m going to the police right now, you know that what you did is a crime, right?”

“also leaving your mother alone for three days, if she is so sick as you say”

“what I did is despicable and I’ve already regretted it, but what  _ you  _ did it’s illegal” Lucas pointed out “so where is my stuff?”

When his mother shifted into a depressive mood, it became even worse: she didn’t want to eat, drink, or sleep. He could hear her crying all night in her room, knowing that he couldn’t do anything, waking up at every hour and going upstairs to check on her every time he wasn’t hearing anything from her, terrified at the idea of leaving her alone.

He had to go to school, though, and those were the most difficult hours of the day. He kept watching the clock, anxious, wishing that the time could go faster; after school, he didn’t even have time to talk to the others, quickly running at home.

Two days after that awful conversation with the priest, they finally got back their furniture: he hadn’t even had time to put all of them in place, too heavy for him and he too tired for doing it, so he did his best to place at least the couch and the table where he usually did homework, leaving the house in an unintelligible mess made of boxes. 

He took his phone from the table, opening Jens’ profile on Whatsapp. He hadn’t heard anything from him for three days, maybe he simply got tired of that stupid game, maybe that was his last text, his farewell. It sounded like it, actually. 

_ I miss you.  _

_ I love you.  _

He had his phone in his hand when it started ringing and he felt his stomach twist and his heart climbing to his throat. 

**I’m outside your house. I’m not leaving until you talk to me.**

Lucas switched off the TV, that was on just not to be in silence all day and went to open the door. 

Jens was right out there.

They sighed at the same time. 

“I thought you were dead until I saw you through the window…” Jens stated sharply glancing at the window, his eyes slightly squinting, his lips tightly shut. All his body was tense up, from his jaws to his legs.

“sorry…” Lucas weakly whispered, knowing that it wasn’t enough, though it was all he could do. 

“I don’t need an apology, Lucas… I need an explanation” Jens stated, sharp. 

Lucas glanced at their feet, in silence.

“Lucas” Jens called him and he didn’t move from where he was, he didn’t even lift his head, sniffing “have you an idea of how worried I was? You ran away because you’re mother was at the hospital, you said you would have called me but you haven’t. You avoided all my calls, I didn’t even know if you were safe, what happened, if you’re mother was fine...”

“she is  _ not  _ fine, Jens” Lucas interrupted him, suddenly lifting his face, watching him directly in his dark eyes “I’m not, either” he added, pointing at himself with an open hand “Nothing is” “She broke into my father’s house and he had to call the police. They had to bring her to the hospital and she dislocated her wrist, opposing resistance. My father blamed me for what happened and honestly, as much as I hate him, he is not so far from the truth. He told me to lock her in a cage and we fought in the middle of the corridor of the hospital”

“Luc, I didn’t know…” Jens stuttered, embarrassed, trying to move forward, but Lucas stepped back, filling the space between them with his forearm. 

“oh, you think that’s all? I wish it was” he shouted almost hysterically “when I came back home I found out that she gave  _ all  _ our belongings to the church! And I had to threaten the priest to have them back… and that…” he stopped himself, closing his eyes and taking a breath to calm down “ _ he  _ didn’t even give me back everything but I can’t go there and do that again because I’ve already humiliated myself enough. And my mother doesn’t want to eat or sleep and I can’t, either, because I have to check on her every hour or else I’m gonna panic because all this shit could have been avoided if I only…”

Jens took a step forward and caught him in his arms, holding him tightly, Lucas tried to fight that touch but Jens didn’t let him go, so finally he gave up, closing his hands on Jens’ hoodie.

Jens buried Lucas’ head in his shoulder, cupping his hand on his nape and cradling him, his lips against his ear. 

Lucas noticed he was crying only when he saw the watery spots on Jens’ gray hoodie and he felt the sobs shaking his chest, hurting his back.

“shhh” Jens softly whispered in his ear, caressing his hair, gently kissing his head “everything’s okay”

Lucas couldn’t control the spasms in his body, uncontrollably sobbing against Jens’ body, who kept rocking him and caressing the back of his head with his thumb, tightening the embrace at every violent sob. 

“I’m so tired” Lucas whispered inaudibly on his chest, grasping the fabric of the hoodie in his hand.

The boy kissed him again, on his forehead, this time “I know, love, I know” he said “let’s get inside” 

Jens brought him to the couch, slowly, with little steps, and they sat next to each other. 

“come here” Jens whispered, bringing him close and closing him in another tight embrace. That position permitted them to be even closer than before, there wasn’t an inch of their skin that wasn’t connected to the other. 

“sorry” Lucas managed to say, between the sobs. 

Jens lifted Lucas’ head, looking him in the eyes and caressing his cheek, slowly shaking his head, softly smiling, silently telling him that he didn’t need to apologize. Then he took his hand, all wrapped in a white band and he kissed it. 

“you can let go, now” Jens assured. 

And Lucas started sobbing again. 

Lucas opened his eyes when the Sun was already high, his room brightened by the light of the day; he was curled up in his bed, not remembering when or  _ how  _ he got there. But he clearly remembered Jens’ arms around him, on the couch, he remembered the whispers in his ear.

_ It’s all okay.  _

_ I am here. _

He repeated that all night, softly, right in his ear. 

He remembered his body heavily shaking, his chest aching from the violent sobs, almost going in pieces. And he remembered Jens’ arms being the only thing preventing him to do it. 

He was now laying over the sheets but he had a blanket on and a well known black jacket covering his body. Jens was still there. 

Rubbing his eyes, feeling a little confused but definitely rested, he opened the door of his room, stopping immediately when he saw his living room. 

It was like being transported to a week before, when his mother hadn’t already given away all their belongings. Everything was in place, their furniture, the things that were in there, everything. 

The room seemed a little different, maybe because Jens couldn’t remember perfectly how it was before, but he must have spent the entire morning, or even the night, reordering his house.

With his eyes barely open, he walked to the kitchen, following the good smell. 

Jens was there, behind the stove, cooking something on a pan. 

“Jens…” Lucas muttered. 

The boy lifted his gaze upon him, smiling “good morning”

“g-good morning” Lucas stuttered in confusion, it felt like he hasn’t awakened yet “what…?”

“are you hungry?” he asked “I made toast with ham and cheese. They were the only thing I found in the fridge…”

Lucas looked at the clock, panicking “it’s noon, already? Fuck I had to…”

Jens opened the microwave and took a plate with a toast on it, giving it to Lucas. 

“I made it also for her”

Lucas nodded, lifting the corners of his mouth in a brief smile. 

When he came back, Jens was still in the kitchen, with a cup of coffee in one hand, eating a toast with the other. 

“How is she?” he asked him. 

Lucas sighed, shrugging “in one or two days she will be better. And then worse again. Forever”

Jens looked at him with a sad smile, then he glanced at his hand, coming closer to him “let me see this hand”

He took Lucas’ hand in his, and the boy stiffened, tensing up. 

“does it hurt?” Jens asked, worried “maybe it’s broken”

Lucas quickly shook his head “no, it doesn’t hurt. And I can open it and close it without problems”

The other nodded, untying the band wrapped in a clumsy way “who did this bandage?”

“I did it” Lucas admitted, looking at his hand in his, swallowing as that were their first touch “I had to do it with the left”

Jens sighed, looking at the bruise on his knuckles, biting his lips, clenching his jaw. 

“we…” he needed to clear his throat, blinking “we need to disinfect it, so I can change the bandage” 

Lucas nodded “I bought a first aid kit after I’ve been sick, it should be… ehm…” 

“right there” Jens said pointing at the kitchen cabinet right upon the stoves. 

“yeah…” Lucas breathed out, almost smiling “I forgot that now you know this house better than me”

He took the kit and gave it to Jens. 

The boy put a little bit of disinfectant on cotton wool, pressing it on Lucas’ knuckles, while he hissed. 

“sorry” Jens muttered “it stings, I know”

“it’s nothing” Lucas muttered, while Jens was covering his hand with a new bandage, closing it properly, with two hands and caressing Lucas’ fingers. 

Lucas closed his eyes, relishing that touch. 

“thank you… you… you didn’t have to” he stuttered. 

“of course I had, Lucas” Jens candidly admitted “because that’s what you do when you love someone, you help him”

Lucas lowered his gaze on their hands, still intertwined on the table. The boy in front of him had spent Friday night in his house, cleaning the mess that his mother made, making food for them, fighting  _ his  _ battles. He has lived Lucas’ life for a night. 

But that life was sinking down and he couldn’t bring Jens with him. He couldn’t accept that, he should have been at a party, messing up with someone, not closed in his prison. He couldn’t take Jens’ youth just because he had lost his.

He looked at that amazing boy he had in front of him,  _ his  _ boy, with his hair all messy and the same old hoodie that he always wore: when Lucas imagined him, he imagined it with that gray hoodie, that made stand out his dark eyes. 

Lucas stood up, Jens doing the same. 

He was really  _ that  _ tall, he thought, remembering Kes’ words; he took his sharp face in his hands and pulled him closer to his face, breathing his smell; he usually smelled like cotton and mint, sometimes like weed and beer, with a pinch of tobacco.

Lucas had all intentions to go slowly with him, if that should have been their last kiss, he wanted to record everything, it would have been useful in a whole future without him, without his bad taste in movies, his grumpy mood in the morning, his laughs in bed, his sandwiches made of everything he could find around him. 

He smiled at him, standing up on his toes to reach his face; Jens was looking at him with impatience, immobile, waiting. 

Lucas sighed and kissed his chin, barely touching it, just lingering with his lips on his skin, lazily drawing his sharp contours with them: the smooth skin, the high cheekbones, his pointed nose. 

When he finally lifted his gaze upon him, his eyes were closed, relaxed, and pacific, just enjoying the attentions of the boy. 

“look at me” Lucas whispered softly. 

He wanted to see him, look at him, living every single last moment they were sharing. 

Jens obeyed, blinking and looking at him. Lucas smiled and couldn’t resist further. 

The kiss was deep and passionate, as Jens was asking silently, but also slowly and careful, as Lucas needed. 

Lucas passed his tongue on his palate, on the other’s tongue, fighting to obtain as space as he could, feeling his pointy teeth, biting his fleshy lips as he moved away. All without leaving his gaze. 

He needed to taste everything he could, everything he wanted to remember, and everything he always wanted to know about him.

Lucas stopped the kiss, closing his eyes and relishing the sensation of their bodies close.

“no” Jens simply stated shaking his head against his, suddenly aware of what Lucas was doing “I already had a kiss like this, I know what it means”

He was too keen to not understand. Lucas put a hand on his arm, caressing it. 

“Jens…” he tried to begin, coming closer to kiss him again, but the other moved away. 

“no way” Jens insisted, continuing to shake his head even quicker “no fucking way”

Lucas cupped his face in his hands, stopping it, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

“it’s the  _ only _ way” he whispered, posing his forehead against his “I can’t...”

“you can” the other replied, holding him close with his harm on the small of his back, being that close was making even harder to let him go “we can”

“how?” Lucas asked. 

“we’ll find a way, together” 

Lucas smiled sadly, fixing a tuft on his forehead, looking at him with a mixture of sadness and tenderness.

“My life is damn complicated, Jens” Lucas began, caressing his forehead with his fingertips “I can’t leave my mother here and come to you every weekend. Don’t you get it?”

“I can come here” 

Lucas sighed “my mother doesn’t even know that I have a boyfriend” 

“tell her” 

Lucas sighed, rolling his eyes and taking a step back “I can’t and you know this”

“why?” Jens insisted “because she is religious?”

“she is not just  _ religious _ ” Lucas pointed out “she gave all our belongings to the church! And filled our walls with passages of the Bible all handwritten by her! Knowing that I have a boyfriend would kill her, I can’t do it”

“what’s your plan, then? Living a fake life forever? Letting go of someone you love and forget about your happiness?”

Lucas didn’t reply, looking at the floor, biting his lips “it’s just that I’m not…”

“what?”

The boy lifted his head, looking at the ceiling and shutting his eyes “please…” he begged “please don’t make me say it…  _ please” _

“come on” Jens challenged him, with a nod “say it”

Lucas swallowed, looking at him with a firm look “I’m not ready to completely disrupt my life for a boy I met at seventeen and I’ve known for barely three months and that doesn’t even live in my country”

Jens took a step back, unsteadily, like Lucas would have just shot him in his chest. And maybe it would have been even less painful.

“bullshit” he whispered, “you said that you loved me only a week ago…”

“it was a particular situation…” Lucas lied, avoiding his gaze. Sweating under his sweater. 

“why? Because I was fucking you?” Jens put an accent on the word  _ fucking,  _ with an angry tone he has never heard in him.

“don’t make things even harder, please” Lucas whispered. 

“oh,  _ I’ _ m making things harder? You put up all of this, you are throwing away everything for  _ nothing”  _ Jens accused him. 

He couldn’t understand, of course he couldn’t. When they first met, Lucas thought that they were similar, lonely boys with a too heavy weight on their shoulders, Jens with his brother, he with his mother. But theirs were whole different stories, whole different lives. 

“I’m not expecting you to understand” Lucas admitted, sincere. 

Jens’ brother was little, but he would have never broken in someone’s house, or given their stuff to the church, or filled his wall with Bible passages.

“why?” Jens asked, offended “because I don’t have a mother?”

_ No.  _

_ No no no no no.  _

“I-I didn’t mean that” Lucas stuttered, too late. 

Jens took a step back, looking at him shocked and devastated “yeah, but it’s what you said”

The boy turned around, giving him his back and leaving the kitchen, Lucas followed him to his room, where the boy was putting on his jacket, the jacket he had used to cover him that night. 

“wait, Jens, listen…” 

“I think I’ve listened enough, Lucas” Jens admitted, leaving his room and opening the door of his house “goodbye”

Lucas thought about going out and stopping him: he had never wanted this, hurting him, making him suffer like that, but maybe, for as painful as it was, that was the only way to convince him to let him go.

He ran at the window, watching Jens walk away until he disappeared between the palaces and became indistinguishable from the other strangers in the street. 


	13. 13 chapter

_ I have these thoughts, so often I ought   
To replace that slot with what I once bought   
'Cause somebody stole my car radio   
And now I just sit in silence _

Car Radio-Twenty One Pilots

Jens lazily dragged his feet over the doorstep, hoping that his father and his brother were outside, so he could have been alone and break everything he could find in his way. 

But they were there, obviously, watching a football match on the couch, his father with a bottle of beer and Andrew with a coke. 

“Hey!” his father greeted him with a big smile, turning his torso “so? How did it go?” 

His father knew where he had been all that time, Jens told him where he was going, and his father was pretty sure that everything would have gone very well. He couldn’t be more wrong. 

Jens sighed, simply shaking his head and walking in his room, heavily letting his body falling on the bed, with his face buried in pillows, his fingers achingly closing on the sheets. 

He heard a knock at the door and he didn’t need to ask who it was. 

“enter,” he simply said, turning on his side but without sitting, he was too tired. 

His father appeared on the door, his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt, his face worried and sad. 

“was it so bad?” the man asked, coming inside and sitting on the chair of his desk. 

Jens nodded, covering his eyes with his hands open, pulling his lips inside, biting them. 

“Is there something I can do?” 

“like what?” Jens asked ironically.

“I don’t know… killing him?” he suggested.

Jens laughed at the propose, a brief, quiet laugh that seemed so strange in his chest, at that moment. 

He felt the bed lowering and creak under his father’s weight.

“losing someone is one of the most painful things that can happen. Believe me, I know that” his father began, quickly pinching at his nose “but the only thing I can say is… it’ll pass, with time and a little effort you’ll get over it. You’ll meet someone and all of this will be only a memory”

“and in the meantime what should I do?” 

The man shrugged “it may sound rude, but… suffer. When something bad happens, you  _ have  _ to suffer, if you don’t suffer now, you’ll do it later”

Jens scoffed “where did you hear that?”

“your mother…” 

His heart stopped at those two words, he cleared his throat. 

“how… how was she?” he dared to ask “sometimes I feel like I have never known her”

His father giggled, looking at the ceiling with a sad smile “no one has ever known her… she was so many things that it could have taken a hundred years to discover all her layers” 

Jens remained in silence, waiting for him to continue. He had the feeling that his father needed that conversation even more than him. 

“There are a lot of funny things that I could tell you about her” he admitted, with a distracted smile on his mouth “for example that she was a terrible singer, the worst I’ve ever heard, or that she had a real good memory, she could remember everything she had seen or heard almost forever, very useful in med school; or that she was a  _ huge  _ fan of science-fiction”

“what?” Jens asked, sitting on the bed “really?”

His father nodded, giggling “she brought me to a lot of convention about sci-fi and she read a ton of books about it all the time, I think they should be in the bookcase. Sometimes she said that she couldn’t go to bed yet, because she had to do a lot of work but I’m absolutely sure that she was simply reading on the couch until five o’clock”

Jens chuckled, remembering all the nights he spent playing video games until the sun has risen. 

“she was keen and gentle but she also liked loneliness. A lot. Sometimes she seemed absent, far from the reality, lost in her thought and I knew that I had to let her in peace, that she would have come to me with a sharp opinion that would have changed my vision of life. She was that kind of person”

“and most of all” his father continued “she loved you and your brother. After you were born she used to stay entire hours watching you sleep”

Jens felt a hot tear trying to escape from his eyes and he sniffed to catch it back, too late for his father not noticing it. 

“Hey…” the man said, caressing his head “you can cry, you know?”

Jens burst into laughs. And then into tears, leaning his forehead on his father’s shoulder. The man put his hands on his son's nape, softly rubbing his thumb through his hair.

“I miss her, too” the man admitted “I’ve tried to hide it from the truth for so much time. Don’t do the same”

Lucas felt a soft hand on his hair, caressing his forehead and a presence sitting on his bed. 

“Lucas?” his mother whispered softly “Luc?”

He quickly sat on the bed, looking around in panic, breathless and covered in cold sweat. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” the woman said, caressing his arms “it’s just me, it’s all okay”

Lucas breathed out, sighing and passing a hand in his hair, he smelled the good smell of food before seeing the big plate on his drawer. There were eggs and bacon with a toast and a glass of orange juice. 

“What time is it?” he asked, frowning, his windows shut down couldn’t let him guess the hour. 

“five o’clock in the afternoon” the woman, replied, taking off a tuft of hair from his hair “I brought you something to eat. You haven’t eaten for days, you’ve slept all afternoon”

“I’m not hungry...” the boy muttered, laying back on the back, covering himself to the ears with the heavy blankets. 

His mother sighed, touching his forehead “Luc is there something wrong? You seem very strange lately”

“I’m just tired, the school has been stressful, these days” 

“I don’t think this is the truth, honestly” her tone wasn’t inquisitive, as if she was trying to spot a lie, it was a simple statement “you can talk to me, whenever you want”

He tightened his fist under the sheets, struggling to hold back the tears.

_ No, I can’t.  _

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he has had to choose between his mother and his love, that he couldn’t have both, that he has had to give up on him. 

“mum, I’m really tired” he repeated turning around, giving her his back so she couldn’t have seen his tears “can you switch off the lights?”

His house had never seemed so boring in all his life. 

There wasn’t anything capable of catching his attention for more than five minutes without plunging in that terrible sensation of absence. Neither his video games nor the TV. 

He asked Robbe if he had wanted to do something, but he was with Sander and Jens knew that those two needed a little time alone, without them always intruding.

It has already happened, he already had felt his absence, wondering about what he was doing at that moment, asking himself if he was missing him, too. 

But now it all seemed so… _ definitive: _ they hadn’t had just a fight. They had broken up. 

Lucas deleted his soft spot and stepped on him without mercy; like he hadn’t come to Utrecht only to see how he was. 

In Lucas' defense, he had never asked anything. Jens did everything, Lucas just wanted to be left alone. 

He stopped in front of the giant bookcase they had at home, he had never properly looked at it, he had always passed by, simply ignoring it. 

There were a lot of books about medicine, obviously, with two doctors at home, but looking closely he noticed a shelf full of littler books, novels, all similar, maybe they belonged to the same collection. Jens quickly read the titles. 

_ The Dispossessed.  _

_ 2001: A Space Odyssey. _

_ The Martian Chronicles.  _

His mother's books. 

He chose the book that seemed more consumed,  _ The Left Hand of The Darkness,  _ thinking that maybe it could be the book that she has read the most, her favorite. He took it to his room, laying on the bed with his back laid on the headboard. 

Jens started by browsing the entire book, page after page, only trying to feel an energy, a connection with it, with  _ her _ . The pages were yellowed and really really thin, with dark spots and dog-ear on several pages, but what caught his eyes the most were a lot of little drawings and writing at the side of the pages. 

He smiled at the neat calligraphy on the book, so different from his, but they did the  _ f  _ in the exact same way. Like he had inherited it without even knowing. 

_ She _ did all that signs, all that dog-ears, and all those underlinings, to reread her favorite book more easily, to simply opening it and finding immediately her favorite parts; and at that moment he could almost see her, picturing her in his minds: her dark hair, her deep eyes, her pointy nose. It was like having a shadow of her, sat on the couch at three a.m, reading in front of the fireplace with a cup of steaming tea. She  _ was _ there, in all that phrases underlined and rewritten, in all those comments, in all the drawings she used to make the novel more real for her.

In the middle of the book, he found an old photo, a faded Polaroid, and his heart stopped. 

_ First time on the skateboard.  _

He was little, maybe at most seven years old: he clearly remembered that day, it was the last day of school and their parents had just bought him his first skateboard. 

He begged continuously until they brought him to the skate park to practice and they had to stay there for the entire afternoon until he was able to do one meter without falling heavily on the ground. 

He sighed, smiling at the realization. It wasn’t true that he hadn’t a mother: he had her, he would always have her. 

Lucas swore, fighting against the chain of his bike that apparently didn’t want to collaborate with him. 

“Woah” he heard behind him “what did she do to you?”

He looked back just to find Kes, already kneeling, helping him with the chain, unlocking it in one second, smiling at him. 

_ “hi… _ ” Lucas muttered, clearing his voice “sorry, I’m a little nervous lately”

“ _ a little…”  _ Kes mocked him, raising his eyebrows “ _ lately...” _

Lucas sighed, shrugging “sorry…”

Kes shook his head, slowly, leaning a hand on his head and ruffling his hair “you don’t have to apologize. I’m your friend, I want you to throw your problems at me, instead of keeping them all to yourself”

Lucas nodded. 

“so… what’s wrong?” Kes asked “this can’t be all about your mother, I can tell”

The other boy sighed “I broke up with Jens… definitely” 

Kes frowned “what? Why?” 

Lucas lifted his gaze, blinking “because… It’s complicated”

His friend rolled the eyes, losing his patience “nothing is simple when it’s about the two of you”

The boy giggled a little, biting his cheek “it’s not his fault, he is…”  _ perfect,  _ he wanted to say “it’s about me. My life is complicated, Kes. I have to take care of my mother, she has only me and this doesn’t bother me that much in itself, but… I can’t do both: be there for her and going to Belgium every time I need to see him, especially if you consider the little detail that my mother is hyper-religious and we are two boys. I love him too much to drag him into this mess” 

Kes inhaled, widening his eyes in confusion “okay, I give you that, this situation is damn complicated”

“But…?” Lucas anticipated him. 

“but… maybe Slenderman would like to be dragged in your life. Have you ever considered that? Maybe he loves you  _ that _ much and it’s stupid that you two are missing each other at hundreds of kilometers of distance for nothing while you could be happy together, instead” 

Lucas giggled, covering his face with his hands, letting go of a frustrated groan. 

“seriously, Luc…,” his friend said, taking off Lucas' hand from his face “I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t want, but maybe if you love him as much as you say, you should consider fixing your mess for him, not to exclude him from it regardless” 

Lucas bit his cheeks, he looked at his friend, sadly smiling at him and shrugging. 

Kes smiled back, giving him a soft slap on his face and hugging him tightly. It felt so different than that time when they were dancing, when Lucas panicked at the mere contact between their bodies, afraid that his body could betray him and showing how much and in which way he was liking it. 

At that moment, in that bike parking, he hugged him back, holding him close without fear, asking himself if he had ever really liked someone before Jens: if he has even really lived before their eyes met at that party. 

Lucas waited until Kes was gone, before rummaging in his backpack until he has found what he was looking for. 

He composed the number on his phone and waited, with the device near his ear. 

“Hello?” he heard through a mechanic voice. 

“ehm, good morning” he muttered, scratching his head “I’m Lucas Van Der Haijden. My mother’s psychiatrist gave me your number…”

“oh, sure. She told me about you” the doctor told him, with a kind voice “tell me everything, Lucas”

“yes… ehm…” he stuttered, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath “I would like to make an appointment, if possible”

“sure, Lucas” the woman replied “just let me consult my agenda… you’re lucky. What about coming now?”

“you… you mean right now?” 

“Yeah. Is it okay for you?” 

Twenty minutes later, he was in the waiting room, pretending to read some newspaper and hearing his heartbeats in his ear. 

The door opened and he saw an elegant woman in a gray suit, with a red shawl on. 

“hi, Lucas,” she said, with a bright smile “come in” she added, with a nod. 

Her studio seemed little and comfy, there wasn’t a sofa, as he had guessed, but two leather armchairs one in front of the other. 

“sit” she proposed, Lucas sat tight, with his hands on his legs, quickly rubbing his knees. 

“so…” the psychologist said, calm “how are you?”

Lucas nodded, licking his dry lips and feeling a little overwhelmed “ehm… fine?” 

The woman gave him a gentle smile “you don’t have to worry, Lucas. I’m here to help, not judging. You can relax”

He nodded “sorry, it’s the first time I talk to… a professional”

She smiled again “you don’t have to apologize here, stay calm and relaxed. So, how are you?” 

He took a breath “not fine... bad, actually” 

“I-I can’t sleep, lately... and I can’t eat, either, or concentrate” he added, swallowing.

She nodded, serious “something happened?” 

“yes, actually” he admitted, crossing his legs, his ankle on his knee “about a dozen days ago my mother had a manic episode when I was out of town with…” he inhaled, closing his eyes “with my boyfriend. This is the thing that started everything, I guess” 

“it can happen” she stated, shrugging a little “you can’t be with her every moment…”

“I know but… I don’t know, I feel guilty for what happened, maybe if I have been with her I could have helped her”

“Yeah, maybe you could have absolutely helped her if you only were there” she agreed “but that doesn’t mean that what happened it’s your fault” 

Lucas swallowed “it’s exactly what I feel, though. That it's my fault… and now I can’t be outside for more than a few hours without… without panicking for what may happen to my mother without me”

“she has bipolar disorder, right?” 

He nodded. 

“it’s a tough disease, but it doesn’t make life impossible… there are medicine, therapy… you don’t have to be there every time”

“but if she has a manic episode and I’m not there?” he asked. 

“Lucas you can’t take charge of every bad possibility in your life or in your mother’s life…” she pointed out, with a firm but patient voice “imagine this: you are sick, let’s say a fever, or a bad flu and your mother can’t be there for you because she is at work or with friends and she didn’t know that you were sick. Would you blame her like you’re doing with yourself now?”

Lucas thought about it, biting his cheek, frowning at the floor. Then he looked at the doctor and shook his head, slowly. 

She smiled “see? The things we blame ourselves for don’t seem so bad when we imagine others doing them…” 

Lucas sighed, smiling. 

“what does your boyfriend think about all of this?”

Lucas sighed again, shaking his head and biting his cheek harder. 

He told her everything, from the beginning, actually surprised by the amount of things that had happened between them in so little time. 

The woman sighed, crossing her legs “you haven’t chosen between him and your mother… you’ve chosen between your mother and  _ yourself,  _ Lucas. Which I don’t think it’s been a wise move” 

“w-why?” Lucas stuttered, shocked by something that seemed so obvious now. 

“you sacrificed your happiness to take care of your mother and it’s really kind of you. But you have to think about yourself, also”

“but wouldn’t that be… selfish?” he dared to ask “my father left us when we needed him most, I’m not doing the same”

“there is a lot of space between total abnegation and total egoism, Lucas,” the woman said “you can take care of your mother without giving up on this boy or on your life” 

“my mother can’t know about us” he whispered, clearing his throat “she is very religious”

The woman shrugged, unimpressed “let me explain something to you, Lucas…” she began “when you help someone, it’s necessary a certain level of connection: when this connection is established, each one accepts the other, without judging. But if this connection doesn’t happen, there is no help: it’s exploitation and you shouldn’t accept that, from  _ anyone _ ” 

“what should I do, then?” he asked, confused. 

“I think you should begin from trying to be honest with your mother, otherwise it is pretty impossible to establish that connection and you will explode in a few years. You need to take care of yourself and your happiness, also. Do you understand it?” 

Lucas nodded, with a sad grimace on his face. He knew what he wanted and he knew what he had to do, he always did. 

When he opened the door of his house, the first thing he noticed was the sweet smell of honey and chocolate and then he saw his mother standing in the middle of the living room, with her apron on and a tray full of crepes and different creams. The table was full of any dessert he liked, french toasts, croissants, strudels.

“Hi” she greeted him, smiling widely “I hope you’re hungry”

He gave a quick look at her, it was too soon for another episode, but who could know? 

She must have understood what he was thinking, because she rolled her eyes, leaving the tray on the table. 

“I’m fine, Lucas. I swear” she said, firmly, keeping smiling, then she came closer “but you aren’t. I know there’s something wrong going on, I can tell it. And if you don’t want to talk to me it’s fine, I’ll accept it, but you can’t prevent me from helping you feel a little better. So I made up the most generic help I could think about” 

“diabetes?” he asked, chuckling. 

She smiled, shrugging “in my experience, everything gets sweeter once you put egg and sugar on it”

“thank you,” he said, nodding, scratching his nape and biting his cheek “but… actually… you’re right… I have something to tell you” 

His mother took off the apron, calmly “you can tell me anything” she assured. 

“maybe it’s better if we sit” he suggested, pointing at the couch.

They both sat, Lucas breathing heavily, reading in his mind the speech he had made while he was coming home from the psychologist. He was taking time, playing with his hands, his legs quickly jumping up and down. 

“Luc…?” she asked.

“there’s not an easy way to tell you” he admitted, closing his eyes and clearing his throat “but… I…”

He swallowed, taking a deep breath “I’m in love with someone… a boy… we’ve been together for months and I didn’t know how to tell you, but now I’ve hurt him and I’ve let him go and I miss him so much that I can’t even breath and I’m sorry…” he had to stop, breathless. He found himself in a tight embrace before he could even finish, or explain better, a hand rubbing his back. 

“I’m more sorry you were afraid to talk to me” his mother whispered, tightening the embrace even more. 

She took his son’s shoulder, keeping him away to look at him “are you all right?” she asked. 

“I don’t know…” he admitted, daring to look at her. She seemed calm and even chill, which was making him even more nervous “please, say something”

She shrugged, shaking her head in a casual gesture “this doesn’t change a thing, to me. You’re the same boy that has entered that door five minutes ago. You will always be”

He looked at her, she was smiling, a hand still leaned on his back. She didn’t seem even surprised by the thing.

“aren’t you mad?” he dared to ask “isn’t this a problem, to you?” 

She shook her head, a tear coming down her cheek, she swept it away and sniffled “my only problem is that you were afraid of me, of being honest in your own house. I’m sorry about that”

“I wasn’t afraid of you, but… I don’t know, with God and all of that…” 

“my love for God is great” she admitted, caressing his hair “but you’re my son, Lucas. My love for you is…” she stopped, looking up and sweeping a tear “my love for you is something completely different, I can’t even explain it. There is nothing in this world that can rival”

Lucas looked closely at her, when an insight hit his mind. 

“you knew it, right?” he asked her “you already knew it?”

She nodded, giving him a brief smile “my clever son…” she admitted, then she sighed “don’t get mad, but… your father called me, yelling that I ruined his son and things like that” 

He shook his head, closing his eyes, getting mad, actually “I cannot believe it” 

“you were already left…” she began, looking at the floor “and I was already having an episode and he called me, saying those things about you and when he told me that he had hit you and that he wanted to take you away… I… I saw red and I did something stupid, I know”

“mum…” he said coming closer and hugging her.

She was protecting him, she had always been protecting him.

“he has to pass over my dead body before leaning another hand on you” she admitted, sniffling and Lucas couldn’t help but laugh. 

She swept away the last tears on her face, “so… tell me about this boy. Does he treat you right?”

He giggled, nervously “he is... perfect" he admitted "he was always there for me when I needed him"

She nodded, a bright smile on her face "And who is he? Do I know him?"

"no, you don’t know him” he admitted “I met him at a party, he is from Belgium” 

“Belgium?!” she exclaimed, widening her eyes “wow… does he speak French?” 

“ehm… I have no idea, actually” 

“you should ask him” she suggested “it’s so charming” 

“it doesn’t matter, anymore” he admitted, shrugging, while the usual lump invaded his chest and his throat,  “I ruined everything...  I said terrible things, I would never forgive me, if I was him” 

She sighed, fixing his hair on his forehead “and that’s why you should apologize. If he is hurt by your words maybe he should know that you’re sorry”

“I’ll think about it” he admitted. 

She smiled “and now, let’s eat. Before it gets cold”

“ground control to Jens” 

Jens fell back on the earth, shaking his head and looking at Robbe, who was looking at him with a worried look “are you listening?”

Jens blinked a couple of times, clearing his throat, nodding “yeah, sorry”

“so… are you in?” Robbe asked.

He had no idea of what his friend was talking about, he felt like he had been stuck in his own head for the last few hours.

“ehm… maybe I wasn’t properly listening” he admitted, sighing “sorry” 

Robbe chuckled “Sander has proposed to go to a party in his school, it’s for raising money for… I don’t even remember what, honestly” 

“It must mean a lot to you, then” Jens mocked him, playing with the wheel of his skateboard “I don’t know. I don’t really feel like going, but maybe doing something will help me”

“We can always do something by ourselves…” Robbe suggested, shrugging, “playing video games until we don’t feel our hands anymore”

Jens chuckled “I appreciate the effort, but I would never let you ditch Sander’s party”

He heard Robbe sigh “how… how’s it going?” 

Jens shrugged with a casual expression on his face, his lips curved downwards “never been worst, honestly. I miss him, I miss everything”

“maybe you can call him, you know, listening to what he has to say”

Jens looked at him, raising an eyebrow, shaking his head “I don’t give a fuck about what he has to say. He said too much, already. I don’t need to hear anything else” 

“mum?” Lucas yelled while he was pushing the door with his back, the hands full of heavy shopping bags “can you help me?” 

“wait, I’ll help you” a voice muttered behind him. 

He quickly turned around, dropping the bags “Aunt Louise?” he asked, frowning. 

“hi, Lucas,” the woman said, opening her arms and hugging him “look at you! You’re a man, now”

“yeah,” he giggled, scratching his head “thank you… Why are you… It’s not that I don’t like having you here, I’m just surprised”

“Hey!” his mother greeted him, appearing from the kitchen, taking the bags on the floor “look who’s here!”

He really liked his aunt, she was kind and nice, but he could tell there’s was something going on with them. 

“you know what?” his aunt said, rubbing her hands, “I think I’ll go putting the grocery away” 

Lucas waited until she had disappeared, before looking at his mother with a confused look “what’s going on, here?”

The woman smiled, taking an envelope and giving it to him. 

He quickly opened it, ripping the paper and revealing a train ticket for Antwerp. 

“mum…” he sighed, looking at her with a harsh look. 

“The train leaves in an hour, so you’ll better hurry up” she interrupted him, firmly.

“Thanks for the thought but I’m not going. You need me here” he gave up, leaving the envelope on the sill. 

“I don’t need anyone, Lucas” the woman insisted “I’ve called aunt Louise just for not worrying you until you’re away, so you can go and have fun” 

Lucas shook his head, resolute “we’ve already talked about it. Even if he forgives me, which is pretty unlikely, I can’t go to Belgium every week” 

“yes, you can” his mother took him by his shoulder, facing him “listen, Lucas… I appreciate what you’re doing for me, the way you take care of me and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become, really really proud. But I’m not staying still, looking at you throwing away your life for me. We’ll make everything work, I promise. So, now take your things…” she said taking a backpack that he hadn’t even noticed “… and go to apologize to that boy. And don’t come back until you’ve done it”

Lucas swallowed “and what if he doesn’t want me anymore?” he asked, his voice weak and insecure.

The woman sighed, taking his face in her hands “at least you’ve tried. And at least he’ll know that you’re sorry for what you did. He deserves to know that you’re sorry and that you don’t think the things you’ve said” 

Lucas nodded, diving into her arms, holding her tight “thank you, mum” 

She left a kiss on his head, sniffling “hurry up. Before it’s too late”

He nodded again, taking the backpack and hugging her again. 

“honey, I love you but if you don’t move I’ll kick you out, I swear”

He laughed, fixing the backpack on his shoulder and going towards the door. 

“Lucas?”

“yeah?”

The woman gave him a little smile and gave him a yellow beanie, _ his _ yellow beanie “cover yourself, I heard Antwerp is really cold” 

The party was a giant hole in the water. 

Jens still didn’t know what they were raising money for, he gave ten euros to Sander, hoping he wasn’t financing something illegal, even though there were so few people that probably they could barely finance a dinner out. 

Sander’s university was breathtaking, though, in a school like that, even he would be happy to go to. He sighed, thinking that Lucas would love being there; before meeting him, Jens has never put attention on the things around him, the beauty of the places he visited, the art hidden in casual spots in the city. He distractedly asked himself if he would have noticed the beauty of that place if it wasn’t Lucas. 

He gave another sip to his drink, a watered gin-tonic with more ice than gin and that was almost over. 

“I’ve never seen you more upset at a party” a voice muttered behind him and he chuckled when he turned around “and sometimes you’re grumpier than Grumble”

“Jana…” he muttered “I didn’t know you were here” 

She shrugged “Sander told me about the party and I was like  _ wow, sexy artists! _ But it’s pretty disappointing” 

Jens laughed, nodding “it’s heartwarming the way everyone cares so much about the fundraising” 

“I didn’t even know it was a fundraising…” she admitted “I’m here for sexy artists and good alcohol”

“two lacking things…” he pointed out, looking at his empty glass. 

“all okay with your boyfriend?” she asked, with a curious look “we haven’t talked about it, since last time” 

He shrugged, sighing “it’s over. Definitely…”

“fuck, Jens, I’m sorry,” she said, disappointed “I would have never asked if I had known…”

He shook his head, biting his lips “it’s nothing, I’m getting used to it. You know…” he began, suddenly “I’ve never thanked you for having helped me at the party. Not many exes would have done the same”

She giggled “remember when we broke up and I said that I still cared about you and I wanted your happiness?”

He nodded, frowning.

“I meant it” she simply stated, shrugging and making him burst into laughs. Jana offered him his hand “best friends forever?”

He took her hand, shaking it firmly “best friends forever”

They remained in silence for a few seconds, before Jens added: 

“actually… Robbe is my best friend forever, but if he dies, the place is yours” 

She dramatically put a hand on his heart “I can’t believe I’ve come before Moyo, for once” 

“ouch,” he admitted, smiling “that was a low blow. It’s not fair” 

“what can I say…  _ fuck _ ” she whispered, before getting serious. 

“everything right?” he asked. 

She took him by his shoulders and turned him around. 

Lucas in front of him. 

He was wearing his yellow beanie and his cheeks and his nose seemed flushed and irritated by the cold. He was looking at him without saying or doing anything, like Jens, actually, both standing still, immobile, staring at each other like they weren’t in a crowded room full of his friends.

They must have noticed them, because Sander shouted to everyone. 

“guys, did I show you the Auditorium? It’s amazing” he proposed “someone wanna come?”

In one minute they were all outside the room, even those who didn’t know who Lucas and Jens were and were literally dragged outside the hall by Sander and the others. 

They remained alone in an empty room with tons of words between them, for the umpteenth time. 

Jens couldn’t help but gave a look at Lucas’ hand, he wasn’t wearing the bandage anymore, but his knuckles were still a bit scratched. 

“hi,” the boy whispered, raising his hand. 

“what are you doing here?” Jens asked, sharp.

Lucas swallowed, biting his lips “I… I was missing Antwerp’s station and when I got there I thought _H_ _ey!_ _ I could go find Jens…” _

“and who told you I was here?” 

Lucas shrugged casually “Sander’s Instagram…”

Jens puffed, slowly shaking his head “at least someone saw it…” he commented, without adding anything else. 

The silence fell back between them, while the neon lights kept transforming their facial features and Jens was trying hard to not think about how Lucas looked good under those blue lights. 

“Jens, I…” Lucas began, clearing his throat and swallowing the lump in his chest “I owe you some apologies and some explanations…”

“what do you have to explain?” Jens interrupted him harshly, frowning his eyebrows “you explained yourself so well, last time we met”

“bullshit” Lucas stated, resolute “all bullshit”

That hall was their battlefield, at that moment: Jens didn’t want to hear him, he didn’t want to be that weak and forgive someone who broke his heart without thinking twice, he wanted to be strong and firm; Lucas, on the other hand, had no intentions to let him go, he went there to explain himself and he would.

“Which part?” Jens provoked him, clenching his jaw “you said a lot of things” 

“everything” Lucas admitted, trying to come closer and Jens stepped back to keep the distance “I wasn’t in myself back then, I was having a terrible time, I thought that you didn’t deserve to be dragged in my messy life and I did and said something stupid and I’m truly sorry”

“what is the truth, then?” Jens asked, lifting his face, hiding behind his usual mask of pride. 

“that I love you” at those words, something broke into Jens, Lucas could tell it. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple going quickly up and down, and took another step back “I love you more than anyone and you made my life better in ways I cannot even explain”

“strange…” Jens bitterly stated, “I’m not fucking you, this time…”

“I’ve wanted to tell you since the time you came to my house when I had the fever” Lucas swore, closing his eyes. 

“and why did you tell me those things the past week?” 

Lucas sighed, shutting his eyes, tired “I was trying to push you away...”

“congratulations, then” Jens spitted out, harsh “you made it” 

“Jens, please, forget what I told you that time…” Lucas begged. 

“I wish I could” Jens replied, quickly “but you said it and, most of all, you said those things because you knew that they would have hurt me, you chose your words on purpose. Do you understand how fucked up that is?”

Lucas was fighting to hold back the tears, blinking and breathing heavily “I’m sorry…”

“Yeah, me too” Jens admitted, almost as desperate as him. He wished he was different, less proud, less strict, but he was like this. He knew himself enough to know it. 

“have you an idea of how much hard has been for me to start another relationship after my last break up? Of course you know, because that night you told me that  _ this”  _ he said pointing at each other “ _ this _ was different. But here you are, apologizing for having broken my heart, just like Jana did. I know myself… I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, sorry…”

Lucas cleared his throat, looking at the point of his shoes, biting the inside of his cheek “so this is it?” he asked, trying to ignore the thunderous noise in his chest. 

Jens nodded, sad “this is it…”

Lucas swallowed “well…” he started, taking off his beanie and putting it on one of the white couch in the hall “goodbye, then”

Jens retracted his lips, looking away so he didn't had to watch him disappear over the door. 

He remained alone in that hall for less than a minute, when his friends came back with a shocked look on their faces, even the strangers he didn’t know the name of. 

“what the fuck…” Moyo commented, frowning at Jens who sat on the couch, near his beanie.

He took it in the hands, slowly caressing the fabric. 

“Why did you do that?” Robbe asked. 

“Some things simply can’t be fixed…” Jens replied, without looking at them, sniffling and clearing his throat “I can’t forgive him for what he did…”

“of course you can’t” a voice in the crowd muttered “you’re an idiot”

Everybody turned towards Jana, that took a step forward.

Jens quickly looked at her, rolling his eyes “don’t you, too, please. I made my decision”

“yes, an easy, comforting decision that will make you safe for the rest of your life but at what cost?” Jana almost yelled at him “he hurt you, okay… so? Are you gonna hide from everyone and everything that hurt you? You’re gonna end in a hermitage in the woods, alone and maybe something could hurt even there! By dint of running away, you’re damaging yourself, Jens; and that’s a pity because you deserve better than this…”

“what are you suggesting, then?” he asked. 

“you can stay here and live your lonely life forever…” she said “or you can be a fucking adult and go find that boy…”

Jens looked at the beanie in his hands, it didn’t seem his anymore, he was too used to seeing it on Lucas. He remembered holding his breath the first time he saw him with it, in that narrow cupboard, it was so odd to see this stranger wearing something his.

He loved lowering it on his eyes to mock him and then kiss him right after. 

Lucas was wearing that hat the day he came to Antwerp for the first time when they had the first kiss, or that weekend, while he was reading  _ High Fidelity _ for him and Jens fell asleep just from hearing his soft and calm voice. 

“so…?” Jana asked. 

“fuck…” Jens muttered, standing up and running away.

He had just the time to put his jacket on, before throwing himself out of the building, in that cold late winter night. Lucas wasn’t there, as he realized. He took his phone, quickly typing his number on the phone, not thinking about the fact that he knew his number by heart, swearing under his breath when he heard the answering machine. 

He started walking quickly around the building, hoping that Lucas wasn’t far already, keeping calling him. 

He was almost breathless when he found him, walking alone slowly, hunched, with his hands in the pockets of his jeans jacket, kicking a can of coke. 

“Lucas!” he shouted “Lucas!”

Lucas immediately stopped, turning around with a confused look, frowning. 

Jens ran towards him, stopping at a few steps from him. 

“Jens…” Lucas whispered, his hair was wet and he was shaking under the cold drizzle “what…?”

The other bent his back, breathing heavily, posing his hands on his knees, breathless. 

“you… you forgot this” he admitted, giving Lucas his hat. Lucas didn’t move, keeping his hands in his pocket, shaking his head. 

“I didn’t forget it, it’s yours” he explained, looking at the wet road under their feet, sniffling “I gave it back to you”

Jens sighed, looking at the piece of clothing in his hands. Swallowing, he took a few steps forward, coming closer. Lucas stepped back, quickly, not as he was mad, but almost as he was afraid of that closeness.

“stay still” Jens whispered softly, taking the beanie and putting it on his head, his hair was wet and cold, his skin frozen under his fingers; he fixed the hat on his head, careful to cover his little ears “I like it on you better” 

Lucas hadn’t been watching him the whole time, stiffening under his touch, keeping his gaze on the wet floor. 

“look at me…” Jens whispered, quietly. 

It seemed like the boy hadn’t heard him at all, his eyes were glued on the floor: he sniffled, pinching his nose with his knuckles. 

Jens swallowed, licking his dry lip “Luc…” he began, taking his chin between his fingers but the boy opposed that touch, not wanting to be seen.

“Lucas” he tried again, simply putting a finger under his chin, without forcing him “please…”

The boy lifted his gaze, without meeting his eyes, simply looking at the night sky, sniffling again. Jens could see the tears in his light blue eyes and he felt his heart squeezing achingly. 

Lucas blinked, sniffling again and two solitary tears fell on his cheeks and he quickly moved his hands to swept the away, almost angrily.

“can I say something?” Jens asked, with the softest tone he could find. 

Lucas bit his lips, shutting his eyes while other tears followed the first ones. With his eyes still closed he quickly shook his head, shutting them even more. 

Jens chuckled, fixing a tuft of hair on his forehead, caressing his cheekbone “no?” 

Lucas shook his head again and he felt his body stiffening even more “I don’t want to hear…” he whispered with a weak voice. 

“why?” Jens asked, softly touching his temples with his fingertips. 

“if you want to say that it’s over, don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear it” he explained with his eyes still closed. 

Jens pulled him nearer, leaning his forehead against his, sweeping a tear on the corner of his mouth, posing a soft kiss right between his eyes “I think we’ve hurt each other enough for a lifetime” he admitted, drawing imaginary circles with his thumbs on his cheeks “we should try something new: like, I don’t know… _ talk _ , maybe? Trusting each other? Don’t push the other away at the first problem? We can try that, don’t you think?” 

Lucas nodded “sounds good”

“Yeah, sounds good” Jens admitted, chuckling, moving away enough to look better at him “can you look at me now?”

Lucas shook his head, his eyes were open but he was looking at the floor, again. 

“I’d really like to kiss you but I can’t if you’re not looking at me” 

Lucas cleared his throat, struggling to lift his gaze as if it was heavy; at last, their eyes met and Jens couldn’t help but smile when he was able to see his bright blue eyes again. He swallowed, coming closer slowly like that was their first kiss, taking his time, meeting his lips with aching patience.

The kiss was needy, but also slow and soft, they knew they had a lot of time ahead of them. 

When Jens opened his eyes, Lucas was smiling and he couldn’t help but smile back, finally seeing again the Lucas he fell in love with. 

He fixed the same tuft of hair that kept slipping out from the beanie “you’re so beautiful when you smile”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, we are almost at the end, I cannot believe it I've really done this!  
> Let me know if you liked it, see you next week for the last time <3


End file.
